Raw and Fierce

I met one of my best friends a little over nine years ago.  Our paths intersected because she had breast cancer. I will never forget the day we first spoke. It was early evening and she called me at home -around the same time as the predictable tele-marketers would start their dinner time barrage.   I had no idea who she was at the time, but I was relieved that she didn't want to clean my ducts. Turns out, my soon-to-be friend  was a "cheer mom". Her daughter was the new, talented athlete that started training at Sam's cheer gym.
After exchanging some polite formalities, the words she spoke were so direct and unvarnished that they still sting a little.  "I have Breast Cancer. If Julia is going to stay on the team, I will need help getting her to practice."  I felt the air leave my lungs and a surge of adrenaline race through my veins. Of course I could help! The courage to speak such a frightening truth with that level of candor was remarkable to me. I KNOW I would have bubble wrapped my story. I would have struggled with asking a stranger for help - because I wanted to be "that mom", who needed nothing. Getting help was like giving in...until I  heard this woman speak! She sounded like a warrior. She commanded respect and not pity. She dispelled any myth I had about seeming weak if you ask for something. Little did I know, that our four minute phone call, would cause a magnitude 8 paradigm shift that proved critical to my emotional survival almost a decade later.
 I believe everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Nothing validates my theory more than my own experience with Breast Cancer. Almost 10 years after this friend came into my world because of that horrid disease, I found myself leaning on her experience,  relying on her to have my back , and modeling her "raw" warrior-like attitude! My typical "don't let anyone into my darkness" mindset was reframed because I watched her redefine "darkness" -  and that brought tremendous relief during challenging times. I'm sure our purpose in each others' story is still unfolding, but I know it transcends carpools. Our families quickly became friends. We traveled together,  raised our families together, said goodbye and "welcome home" . Today we even work together! This friendship must be part of some master plan because the people we bring into each others' lives, the experiences we share and the dramatically different lights we shine on common situations make us stronger, better people. I tore a page out of her playbook. I asked  for help. I faced the demons head on and spoke directly  to those I knew could make a difference.  These new skills serve me well, and I strongly recommend them, but,  today I am not reflecting on the importance of "telling it like it is" or "asking for help" when faced with adversity -  I am writing about the value of paying attention to every relationship at every intersection of  your personal journey. 


People impact and inspire in the most unexpected and powerful ways.  Sometimes the connection takes decades to understand, and other times it's blatantly obvious.  My dear friend came into my life while the very chapter I'm now "shamelessly plagiarizing" was being created in her reality! I can't accept  that it's a coincidence - so I started to take inventory of all the people who've parachuted into my life over the years, from the hockey families who would share stories in the stands early Sunday morning to kid's teachers, neighbours, work colleagues or the person in the next seat  on a long flight.  Sure enough, I noticed an interesting pattern;  my life's path is peppered with interactions that either foreshadow or lean on my highest highs or lowest lows. We met a family through hockey whose son sustained a life threatening head injury many years after Mark survived his traumatic brain injury and battled his way back to health. Mark's story became a lifeline of hope  during their dark and terrifying time. Our dear friends' daughter was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes 20 years after our oldest son began his journey with the condition, and we were able to calm the fears that parents naturally have. Common experiences are pretty typical when you've  lived in the same, tight knit community for decades, but being able to hear and appreciate  subtle life lessons, years before you need them is where magic and mystery live. Since my breast cancer experience, I have modified a few things in my world, but no change has been  more profound than starting to pay closer attention to the people and their stories.  I ask more engaging questions assuming everyone crosses my path for a reason. I don't try and connect the dots - I just let the puzzle pieces fall - and I organize them as the picture takes shape. I also try and add value - believing that some day, my journey might mirror someone else's - and my little nuggets could have life changing meaning. The more I explore my crazy notion, the more examples come to mind. Hundreds in fact! It's almost as though the universe creates a magnetic pull that causes the right combination of people to cross paths at some point in life's journey. Even if the connection seems innocuous - a casual chat on the plane or in the waiting room -  sitting beside a friend of a friend at a football game, these exchanges seem to have purpose. Whether you need each other now or ten years from now, the people and the experiences they share are profoundly relevant.  My mini epiphany has caused me to adjust three things: the way I listen - even during the most random encounters. The way I share - knowing my words can also make a difference some day, and the way I edit my "circle".


"Ahhhh my circle" - I feel peace in just imagining it. That group of family members and friends that can always be counted on - to have my back, to tell me the truth, to never judge - to laugh with, cry with, be candid around - and unconditionally love. We have had enough bumps in our road to know who "our circle" is.  There are exactly 22 people in it,  After major life events, I tend to take stock of my circle and gently carve out some space. I have, over my 52 years tried to distance myself from people who feel toxic or energy-zapping because their attitudes cast a negative shadow on my path. However, over the last few months, as I become more deliberate in my awareness of the way we support each other in this life,  and of how healthy and uplifting it is to be both a source of positive energy and a consumer of it,   I realize that my vow to carve some relationships out and cast them away might be counterintuitive.  What if these people also have lessons to teach? What if I have something to offer that might recalibrate their roadmap? Sounds like a selfish virtue of getting "filled up" through recognizing someone else's pain, but there's no question that toxic people are sad, lonely, broken - and that helping in some way is good for the spirit.  This sounds so basic and obvious for a grown up, but it isn't. Relationships are messy. People are complicated. Sometimes their negative spirit seeps into our world and we just want to bail.  Some people drain us completely, and we come away from conversations feeling empty.  I don't want to be sucked into the vortex of someone else's storm! Now what?
 My epiphany as this breast cancer journey unfolds is that our strength to fight any physical and emotional battle is fueled not only by the resolve and determination hardwired into our female spirit, but also by the energy of people in our inner circle. "Our people". Max out the power of that circle. Be deliberate about who's in it and let them fill you up every day. Do what you can do to shine your positive light and love on as many of your people as you can. That power will often give you the ability to hear, guide and, most important, learn from the folks outside the circle who struggle to escape their negative story.
I realize that I am blessed to  have my people! The trusted few who know me at my most vulnerable A circle of dear friends and family members whose value in my world needs no path to discovery - it is apparent every single day. They give me the strength to reconcile the other relationships. I have started to understand that I can't expect every "friendship" to reach the standard of "my people". I can't expect every conversation to bring profound wisdom, laughter, joy or love.  But what I have started to discover is that life lessons can be buried in the shadows of every encounter. That even Eyore can bring something to the party. Maybe I can be a source of sunshine, Maybe I can be reminded that my life is pretty good.  I have not mastered my ability to understand the purpose each character in my story brings. I have just started to realize that every character does play a purposeful role and if I skim over some of them, I might be missing out on pretty important lessons, so,  I listen, I share and I know that only a handful will ever reach the standards of  "my people" - so my expectations no longer cloud my ability to engage. In the past - you were either "in" or "out". Today, there's a little extra effort expended.  It's not easy some days, so I think back to that phone call  almost 10 years ago, That woman. Raw, fierce and full of lessons that I had no idea even existed - let alone ones that would become ingrained in my daily life! What if I missed out on that  opportunity to add to "my people circle"  in such an awe inspiring way?  And what if  there's another encounter some day that has the same potential? Life's too precious to miss out - so I've started to tune in to every frequency on the dial - sometimes I'm disappointed, but often times, I find a buried puzzle piece that I'd like to add to my collection, believing that sometime it will create the picture I need to see in the moment I need to see it - maybe in another 10 years!

Unwritten

Life is a journey - so the cliché goes. There are mountains to climb and forks in the road, but one step at a time, we travel along our path. I thought about the "journey" and decided that my analogy is different. Maybe it's my passion for literature, or my respect for the power of the  "written voice", but I see life as a storybook. Perhaps a novel, that captures our heart, takes us on an epic adventure, terrifies and then calms us. Characters come and go in perfect cadence as the chapters unfold, and the loose ends weave together. Everyone has a purpose. Every experience fits into the storyline eventually. When I read great pieces of fiction, I try to understand how symbols, people and events from early chapters find relevance later on. Typically, I get it wrong. It's only when I stop overthinking, and trust that everything will make sense eventually, that I thoroughly appreciate the brilliance of the piece.


My life's story prompts similar reactions: Why this turn of events? How does this fit with chapter 2004? Do these main characters have a deeper purpose? What should I learn this time that I missed earlier? How many chapters are left to figure it all out? 


My instinct and experience tell me to stop analyzing, Enjoy the story, trust that it will all make sense.  My rational brain can't help but ask "what if I am missing something? What if I am supposed to contribute to a brilliant plot twist? What if these moments are invitations to write a new ending? I am not just the spectator and the "reader" - I am co-author at minimum, and while I can't go back and re-write earlier chapters, I can  influence what's next - at least a little. Damn!  It's hard to collaborate with the universe!  Am I foreshadowing a new chapter  by making certain choices? Am I responding to storylines or are they responding to me? Maybe there's a little bit of both going on. Law of attraction meets pure fate.




I remember one of my girlfriends saying - The universe only gives you what you can handle. As those words washed over me, I felt somewhat offended. My life was golden. I remember thinking "I have five amazing kids, a great husband, healthy loving  parents, a career that I love, good friends, nice house,...crap! I guess I'm weak. I guess I can't handle very much. I sure wasn't dealt the hand that some people have to face! But hold on!  I didn't consider my husband's life threatening accident and subsequent traumatic brain injury as the universe testing my metal. For 10 years, we hunkered down as a family and fought for his successful recovery. I didn't even factor in our struggles with juvenile diabetes or childhood epilepsy or premature birth complications!  I escaped a bad relationship as a young woman,, spent my fair share of time in a court house and had a few financial setbacks along the way. Looking back over fifty two years,  I see now that  my "rainbows and unicorns"  cloak  was so convincing that even I forgot the magnitude of our challenges. I didn't deny, or avoid them. I went into "stealth" mode and dealt with personal matters privately, retaining my shield of optimism for the outside world. I wrote my story through the lens of positivity,  making a compelling case that things were always ok. Looking back, no  matter what curveball a new chapter had in store,  I would edit the flavor - casting light on some of the darker moments,  being true to the theme that my life is rosy. Today, I see that the universe has been testing my strength all along, and has allowed me to develop a powerful voice in my "story". 


What if,  the scene where I took offense to "the universe only gives you what you can handle"  statement was foreshadowing this next chapter? What if the universe responded with "oh ya - try this".  What if  it's time to peel back the layers, remove the "Pollyanna"  filters and admit that life sucks sometimes! A radically different point of view for a person who has spent her entire life focused on silver linings. A person who can't ask for help because she's invested so much time convincing the world that everything is awesome! A person who couldn't say the word cancer for days after diagnosis and who wouldn't even acknowledge the need to recover after surgery.


Looks like my crazy co-author has issued a challenge: change your voice, get real and in doing that, you will come to experience the honest beauty of family and friendship. Through a more vulnerable lens you can see the pure goodness of people in your life,  and appreciate the subtle richness of each moment.  So I will. In fact, I have already started. My next blog will be devoted to the emotional and physical Breast Cancer roller coaster, with a view to helping other women find their strength and voice. Raw, fierce and powerful - we prepare for a chapter that has yet to be written.