I used to hear people say that the journey is more important than the destination and figured they ought to pick a more exciting destination! There was a time, not all that long ago, when I was all about the final goal...nose to the grindstone and get there! No stopping to smell any roses! My forty-something experience hosts a new attitude; maybe it's one of more patience . Or, more likely, my desire to enjoy the ride may simply be a matter of not having the drive to race to the finish line with as much vigor...Either way, the journey is looking pretty good. I'm starting to see the virtue in Miley's song: "It's the climb".
And climb we do! Our calendar is peppered with "milestones" ...there may be 4 or 5 of them a year...and between each of these "ultimate destinations" are 360 journey days. Life becomes richer when each step along the way is cherished with the same appreciation afforded the "main event". I've learned an important lesson in trekking through this life - take time to appreciate the incidentals that make each adventure real: it's all the little things that define the experience and that give credence and legitimacy to the celebration at the summit!
The events of the past week and the simple joys, laughs and challenges that paved the road to a beautiful wedding celebration in Barrie prove that the pleasure is in the journey and that the celebration is even sweeter when every moment is cherished along the way. The plan was for a simple wedding reception for my brother-in-law and his new bride; 20 or so people, in my mother-in-law's back yard...Wait, make that 30, no maybe 40 - oops, let's go with 50 - for a pig roast and luau - or, how about a traditional beef roast - wait - let's move it to my sister-in-law's yard...yeah - and we'll have it catered....or we can make all the food - but we'll need to rent tables...and chairs! Let's rent 4 rectangular - no - 5...make that 7 rounds! Let's get dishes, glasses, napkins and cutlery too - and up that order three times...Welcome to June - and - in mountaineering terms - base camp!
The party needed to be on a Friday - to accommodate the bride and groom's travel plans. So we would plan to get there Wednesday, and spend Thursday and Friday shopping, cooking and setting up. Sounds logical...and in normal circumstances it would be a simple "climb" - but simple isn't our style - so let's shake things up a little - throw in a graduation party (Wednesday night), Birth of puppies (4:00 am Thursday morning), a Lifesaving course that my nephew had to take all weekend long, coordinating the pick up of family from the airport as they started to trickle into town, and the threat of the LCBO going on strike!!! Now let's check the oxygen supply at 10,000 feet!
On pure adrenaline, we powered through the Wednesday night grad formalities and Samantha rekindled her close friendship with her cousin, leaving the grad party so they could spend time together at home. Then, as silence washed over the house (except for the din of Mario Kart engines racing in the family room) - Harley decided now would be a great time to give birth! On zero sleep, we were mid wives by night, delivering 4 puppies - and caterers by day - loading an unprecedented three baskets full of food at Costco - and buying everything needed for spectacular centerpieces...(except tethers to hold the damn vases down in the wind)...
Autopilot kicked in for this part of the journey...making cheese platters, veggie trays, salmon rolls, dips, salads of every kind, desserts...and as the tables, counters and every possible kitchen surface overflowed with wedding food, it became obvious that storage would be a huge issue...So, in keeping with the wedding tradition - to include something borrowed - we were on the phone borrowing a fridge! Mark and the boys literally trekked down the street and hoisted a neighbours fridge right out of their basement - door came off, and before long a full fridge was sitting in the garage - another good laugh and problem solved...As more family started to arrive, more adventures were in the making - by late Thursday night - we were ready for sleep - but Mario Kart racers would hear nothing of it...woohoo
Excitement mounted in proportion to exhaustion as the climb intensified...Friday was here - and the sun was shining! Boys were going kayaking and we were going to set up the yard, the roasts, the flower arrangements and anything else that needed setting up! Ice - check, beer and wine - check, tables, chairs, dishes...still waiting....No stress...the bride and groom were relaxing down the street at my in-law's home...we had made up enough food trays to hold them all up over there for a month...and last guest, sister Janet's flight from Regina was delayed...oh the climb!
By 3:00 the truck had arrived and unloaded all the tables, chairs and rental supplies. The party was scheduled to start at 6:00...Loads of time! All hands were on deck to set up tables - but how many men would it take to get the table clothes to stay on the tables and not blow around? FOUR with giant staple guns! They went to town on the cloths - ingeniously stapling fabric to wood...this he-man moment was followed by the tying and staking of the roasts, several grunts and a few beers...ah the climb!
The dozens of roses, arranged among baby's breath in pretty pink water and tall vases were the biggest challenge. The wind would pick up and send them soaring across the linen - threatening to spit red food coloured water all over the 50 carefully rolled yellow napkins the girls had assembled for cutlery! We debated what to do with them...and finally added a few extra marbles and hoped for the best as we sat guests and advised them to look out for flying vases when the wind picked up...of course, I reminded myself to stop and smell the roses every once in a while.
Toasts, bits of marriage advise, music, dance and lots of wine followed. The food was great, music sweet and company even sweeter. The summit came with the cutting of the beautiful, custom designed wedding cake...everyone was full, dry and happy - life was good!
We partied and celebrated until daybreak...then, the bride and groom opened wedding gifts on the patio - in the mid-morning sun. My daughter caught the bouquet, we all saw them off - and as the airport shuttle pulled out of the driveway - we closed another chapter - checked another milestone off the calendar and reflected on the success of the event.
Today, from a 40-something vantage point - I can say for sure that my fondest memories all took shape behind the scenes - off the beaten path - as the sun was rising, or setting...in the bustling pre-party kitchen, or the laundry-room turned delivery room...in the aisles of Costco or in the Dollarama glasswear section. There is no question that the event was a huge success - but the journey was overflowing with goodness - not to be under rated by tired bones or a sleepy brain - because that's when you know the climb was really great!!!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Ahhh The Weekend
I LOVE the weekend! OK - I guess that's not a radical statement- we all love the weekend for the most part...but I REALLY find joy in the idea of Saturday - it's not just the day - but the mood of Saturday...It actually feels different - because there's time to feel; it smells different, because there's a chance to stop and smell - the wonderful fresh brewed coffee, the freshly cut grass, the bounce sheets in the dryer - and it takes on it's own attitude and pace.
Being the first one up on a Monday morning is no fun. It's dark and lonely. Being the first one up on a Saturday morning is magic! The house is quiet, the coffee tastes better, the birds sing louder and the idea of catching up is inviting instead of chaotic. That's probably because I'm catching up on all the stuff I love - reading news and blogs, being with friends and family...Saturday means shopping - and I love shopping...Saturday means watching at least one of my kids play at least one sport - and I love watching my kids in their sports...Saturday means we will either have friends or family over - or we will go out visiting - and I love socializing...(plus there's always wine on Saturday night visits).
In addition to catching up on the fun stuff, my favourite thing about the weekend is that time works for me instead of against me...There are no meeting reminders popping up on my screen, no harried phone calls to deal with or urgent decisions to be made - beyond what colour nail polish to paint my toe nails with - or what flavour wine goes best with rib eye! Who should sleep over? Who gets the car? Really important stuff!
Eventually Saturday DOES get busy - as soon as the rest of the family starts padding into the kitchen, breaking the silence, drowning out the birds and upsetting the calm. But the weekend flurry of activity is different from Monday chaos... It involves a similar level of focus and intensity to what's needed throughout the week...but channeled toward different priorities: cheering in the stands or on the sidelines, racing from arena to field to gym to mall... creative cooking, power shopping and precious moments of solitude. It's RE-creation instead of recreation...the pace is rejuvenating rather than exhausting.
There's nothing like watching your daughter play football in the noon day sun - or seeing your son speed down the ice to score a breakaway goal...Cheerleading, lacrosse, dinner club and power walks - all part of the reason why weekends rock...they are the gathering place for the memories, the milestones, the simple things that make all of the weekday craziness worth it!
Being the first one up on a Monday morning is no fun. It's dark and lonely. Being the first one up on a Saturday morning is magic! The house is quiet, the coffee tastes better, the birds sing louder and the idea of catching up is inviting instead of chaotic. That's probably because I'm catching up on all the stuff I love - reading news and blogs, being with friends and family...Saturday means shopping - and I love shopping...Saturday means watching at least one of my kids play at least one sport - and I love watching my kids in their sports...Saturday means we will either have friends or family over - or we will go out visiting - and I love socializing...(plus there's always wine on Saturday night visits).
In addition to catching up on the fun stuff, my favourite thing about the weekend is that time works for me instead of against me...There are no meeting reminders popping up on my screen, no harried phone calls to deal with or urgent decisions to be made - beyond what colour nail polish to paint my toe nails with - or what flavour wine goes best with rib eye! Who should sleep over? Who gets the car? Really important stuff!
Eventually Saturday DOES get busy - as soon as the rest of the family starts padding into the kitchen, breaking the silence, drowning out the birds and upsetting the calm. But the weekend flurry of activity is different from Monday chaos... It involves a similar level of focus and intensity to what's needed throughout the week...but channeled toward different priorities: cheering in the stands or on the sidelines, racing from arena to field to gym to mall... creative cooking, power shopping and precious moments of solitude. It's RE-creation instead of recreation...the pace is rejuvenating rather than exhausting.
There's nothing like watching your daughter play football in the noon day sun - or seeing your son speed down the ice to score a breakaway goal...Cheerleading, lacrosse, dinner club and power walks - all part of the reason why weekends rock...they are the gathering place for the memories, the milestones, the simple things that make all of the weekday craziness worth it!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
It's not Fair!!!
Three words get on my nerves like no others. "It's not fair"...I hear this whiny lament from both adults and kids. Typically, someone got something MORE than someone else - a better opportunity, a bigger privilege, a different reward!
Fair and equal are not the same! It's tough to accept but a real fact of life when you're raising more than one kid or managing more than one person. Does the complainer really want to be treated exactly the same as everybody else? I suppose that society pressures us to be sure everyone is treated the same... and political correctness screams out for equality - but everyone's not treated equally, because everyone is NOT the same! That's why some people get cut from teams. That's why there's only one first place trophy. We're not all equally capable, equally talented, equally "entitled" - so it's NOT FAIR to treat ALL people as though they are!
Sure, fundamental human rights issues have to be rooted in equality...and the whole gender thing carries some weight when it comes to the equality debate...back in the 80's I firmly believed men and women were equal...but I like to think I've evolved. Women are far superior at many things and men are better than us at a few too...equal? I guess for entitlements to pay and rights...but not with lifting bodies out of burning buildings...or...being maternal and intuitive...- it is what it is!
Equality in my family means equal access to the universals - we love equally, and support equally with all of the essentials (and then some), but I treat my kids differently - each one. Do they get equal privileges - nope...equal opportunities - not even...are they held to the same standard and given the same consequences? For the non-negotiables - yes... there are some rules of engagement that are one-size-fits all. Outside of that, each kid is his or her own person with unique talents and gifts - needs and responses to encouragement and punishment...What works with one is off side with the other...so why would I bother trying to treat them all the same? Simply to appear fair??? If I paint them all with the same brush I lose so much of their individualism that I start expecting them all to be the same...now that's NOT fair.
I hope my kids and the folks I work with every day understand that their uniqueness should never be compromised for the sake of "fair", because when fair takes over - true talents can get diluted in the sea of correctness...My kid who is really great at math understands that when HE gets a 75% in it - he will be given a harder time than his brother who gets a 60 in math. Why is THAT fair? Because their math aptitudes are NOT equal.
I hope that they all understand that the guy with the "C" on his hockey jersey earned it and gets more privileges - than the rookie...I hope they understand that treating everyone the same may mean losing sight of the individual talents, strengths and passions that can only be nurtured through differentiation. Giving everyone the same reward - so there are no "hurt" feeling" - making sure there are no "winners" to preserve the dignity of losers, giving everyone the same privileges (not rights - that's different) - all under the banner of fair, is - to me - the single most unfair thing a parent or a manager or an organization can do.
We fought for equality, secured equality and now we should evolve into a new era - where equality is "a given" and the uniqueness of every person, and between the genders, is what's celebrated and preserved...
Fair and equal are not the same! It's tough to accept but a real fact of life when you're raising more than one kid or managing more than one person. Does the complainer really want to be treated exactly the same as everybody else? I suppose that society pressures us to be sure everyone is treated the same... and political correctness screams out for equality - but everyone's not treated equally, because everyone is NOT the same! That's why some people get cut from teams. That's why there's only one first place trophy. We're not all equally capable, equally talented, equally "entitled" - so it's NOT FAIR to treat ALL people as though they are!
Sure, fundamental human rights issues have to be rooted in equality...and the whole gender thing carries some weight when it comes to the equality debate...back in the 80's I firmly believed men and women were equal...but I like to think I've evolved. Women are far superior at many things and men are better than us at a few too...equal? I guess for entitlements to pay and rights...but not with lifting bodies out of burning buildings...or...being maternal and intuitive...- it is what it is!
Equality in my family means equal access to the universals - we love equally, and support equally with all of the essentials (and then some), but I treat my kids differently - each one. Do they get equal privileges - nope...equal opportunities - not even...are they held to the same standard and given the same consequences? For the non-negotiables - yes... there are some rules of engagement that are one-size-fits all. Outside of that, each kid is his or her own person with unique talents and gifts - needs and responses to encouragement and punishment...What works with one is off side with the other...so why would I bother trying to treat them all the same? Simply to appear fair??? If I paint them all with the same brush I lose so much of their individualism that I start expecting them all to be the same...now that's NOT fair.
I hope my kids and the folks I work with every day understand that their uniqueness should never be compromised for the sake of "fair", because when fair takes over - true talents can get diluted in the sea of correctness...My kid who is really great at math understands that when HE gets a 75% in it - he will be given a harder time than his brother who gets a 60 in math. Why is THAT fair? Because their math aptitudes are NOT equal.
I hope that they all understand that the guy with the "C" on his hockey jersey earned it and gets more privileges - than the rookie...I hope they understand that treating everyone the same may mean losing sight of the individual talents, strengths and passions that can only be nurtured through differentiation. Giving everyone the same reward - so there are no "hurt" feeling" - making sure there are no "winners" to preserve the dignity of losers, giving everyone the same privileges (not rights - that's different) - all under the banner of fair, is - to me - the single most unfair thing a parent or a manager or an organization can do.
We fought for equality, secured equality and now we should evolve into a new era - where equality is "a given" and the uniqueness of every person, and between the genders, is what's celebrated and preserved...
Monday, May 18, 2009
Conversation Around the Dinner Table
We had friends over for dinner the other night and Michelle asked my husband Mark if he felt like a "changed person" after his near fatal accident...He answered in his logical "Mark" way...speaking of memory challenges and physical stuff - while I journeyed back to December 6th 2004 and the moment when the very definition of "change" changed for me...
It was a typical Monday. I saw all 5 kids off to school and settled in to my project: Building a "change management" workshop for a client in St. Louis that I was scheduled to see December 15th - how ironic was that? Mark had left for a training seminar in Toronto much earlier that morning...By mid day, I had transitioned from course development to party planning - as the date for our annual Christmas event was getting near...Because my travel plans were tight, I had every minute scheduled - and realized, if I was going to have a manicure this holiday season, it would have to be that afternoon...
I made the appointment to coincide with my casserole baking...5:00 PM - kids would be home and settled, with a jump on homework. There was no hockey or gymnastics that evening - shocking! It was clearly the only chance to polish up for the holiday season! The uneventful afternoon allowed for maximum productivity, and by the time the buses pulled up to the house, I was feeling quite accomplished. My kids and a few of their buddies poured into the kitchen right on cue. They snacked, started homework, and agreed to watch the Mac and Cheese casserole while I darted out to the nail salon. Things were smooth...Then I came home...
Zach said that he got a call from my husband's administrative assistant while I was out. I thought that was odd...after all, she knew where he was! She didn't leave a message with him...and, shortly after her call was a long distance ring that he didn't answer - he had always been taught to ignore strange numbers if parents are out...Nice move....yet all very unusual. I had an unsettled feeling in my gut even before I checked the message from that long distance caller. Instinct was right. It was the voice of a nurse - from a hospital just outside of Toronto...There had been an accident - I'd better call back! Unsettled turned to wanting to vomit!!!
The phone conversation was a blur - "Medically induced Coma", "Life Threatening Head Injury", "Collapsed Lung...", crap! If I wanted to see my husband again, I'd better make a move and get to Toronto within the next few hours. The one emergency room was in the process of transporting him to a more capable head injury unit in a downtown Toronto hospital - amidst the ice and snow - how would I ever make it there?
With the help of my teen aged boys, and at the suggestion of my sister-in-law who lives near Toronto, I booked a flight on-line. Mark's sister, brother-in-law , other brother and parents lived in the Toronto area and went to the hospital right away. I called on my family to take over my household and another one of Mark's sisters flew with me to Toronto...Thank God for family - they descended on the home and hospital with unbelievable determination and strength.
Joan and I took a 10:00 pm flight. We could have been flying to Australia - because that's how long it seemed to take...
And here's where real "change" started to happen - unknown to me at the time.
There was a profound shift in priorities! I used to spend flights planning. Allowing my thoughts to leap around - like a monkey swinging from tree to tree. But there was none of that. There was nothing but NOW! I didn't dare let myself think the unthinkable "what if", I didn't allow my mind to journey into tomorrow - or next week. For the whole flight, I focused on the "now"..."is he breathing RIGHT now?"...
Suddenly - projects due tomorrow, the trip to St. Louis, the Christmas planning were off the radar...My mind didn't wander towards dinner menus, hockey games or laundry...every ounce of my energy and focus was on being totally present.
And it wasn't even deliberate...There was simply no space left in my brain to process another single thought! It took everything to simply breathe and walk off the plane...And in being totally present, there was a weird and unfamiliar peacefulness. There wasn't the brain chatter that I was so used to - the "noise" of daily planning, anticipating, worrying and wondering that is like background "elevator music" playing in my head all day long. The magnitude of this event seemed to take up all of my mental resources so that all the other preoccupations turned off - leaving just the present - pure and simple - breathing, walking, navigating through an airport...
At the hospital, the "now" expanded to include a deep appreciation for all of the people helping and showing support. The people who surface as those who really matter in your life. But to think about tomorrow - and the daily functioning of a family, home and business was impossible! So I didn't...I surrendered to the present. Didn't care where the car was...what the bank folks thought when Mark hadn't shown up for his training meeting...what the hockey team would do sans manager at the upcoming tournament...didn't CARE...what a CHANGE!
Mark survived...and as we took baby steps back into the familiarities of daily life, the background noise started up again - and I began allowing myself to plan, worry, and anticipate again...but with a new-found gift...the ability to surrender to the present!
So...back to the original question: Did things change? What changed most profoundly for me was not my relationship with Mark, or my new business arrangements...the most dramatic change was in being able to see "context" in a new way. I always allowed clutter in my brain. Like static on a radio when the station isn't quite tuned in...It was like a dull chatter about things that aren't all that important...But after the accident, I experienced clarity - like I had finally tuned the radio to the actual channel - and got rid of the fuzziness...I got back home from Toronto and re-prioritized my life. The party didn't happen and the world was still turning. The hockey team went to the tourney and had their event without me - and they were fine...the gymnastics club went without a program for their Christmas meet - and every parent and athlete still found their way. CONTEXT to me means, prioritizing "stuff" based on the big picture...the people who will be impacted over the long haul.
So - getting a manicure by Christmas could have been considered important - in the context of daily life before...But, in the context of urgency and survival - it fell right off the radar...Doesn't mean I'll never have another manicure. It simply means that I prioritize on an entirely different plane - it's not up there with MRIs, EEGs and 42 staples in the skull...What kind of hors doeuvres to serve, what colour the programs should be, and do we have enough wine glasses - same deal....All important on some "superficial level", the only level I had ever really known...but in my new CONTEXT - I understood that these things are not deal breakers. I've hosted so many stress-free parties since...all lovely - and all focused on meaningful relationships way more than matching napkins...and I LOVE THAT!
So...I suppose I could say that my ah-ha moment was when I learned we humans are pretty remarkable. I learned that the human brain and it's layers of built in survival mechanisms reach far beyond the "fight or flight" reflex and include an extraordinary ability to shut down areas that "drain the battery", leaving on only those that are needed to function on a primal level...It's like the Blackberry as it runs down it's battery - it doesn't go from full functionality to dead...it slowly shuts down secondary applications, leaving you with basic phone service - and preserving the other applications for after it's recharged. I was running on "energy saver" mode for several days in the St. Michael's Hospital ICU unit - but my thoughts were unbelievably clear, and I was fully present. I didn't think about home, work, anything or even anyone outside of that room...and, despite the horror of the situation, it was liberating to focus on one sole goal, with no other distraction.
Now, when things seem overwhelming, I take myself back to that moment and try to find that peaceful presence - where all of the busy-ness in the brain goes still...it's a real change for me.
So - as I was sorting out these thoughts to share with Michelle, Mark - in his classic way explained what hadn't changed.... He's always felt gratitude. He's always given 100%, and he sees this setback, not as an invitation to finally discover the "joys" of life, smell the roses, or stop sweating the small stuff...he sees it as an affirmation that he was doing it right all along!
Our dinner chats aren't always this intense...most often we talk about shoes, recipes and Grey's Anatomy!!!!
It was a typical Monday. I saw all 5 kids off to school and settled in to my project: Building a "change management" workshop for a client in St. Louis that I was scheduled to see December 15th - how ironic was that? Mark had left for a training seminar in Toronto much earlier that morning...By mid day, I had transitioned from course development to party planning - as the date for our annual Christmas event was getting near...Because my travel plans were tight, I had every minute scheduled - and realized, if I was going to have a manicure this holiday season, it would have to be that afternoon...
I made the appointment to coincide with my casserole baking...5:00 PM - kids would be home and settled, with a jump on homework. There was no hockey or gymnastics that evening - shocking! It was clearly the only chance to polish up for the holiday season! The uneventful afternoon allowed for maximum productivity, and by the time the buses pulled up to the house, I was feeling quite accomplished. My kids and a few of their buddies poured into the kitchen right on cue. They snacked, started homework, and agreed to watch the Mac and Cheese casserole while I darted out to the nail salon. Things were smooth...Then I came home...
Zach said that he got a call from my husband's administrative assistant while I was out. I thought that was odd...after all, she knew where he was! She didn't leave a message with him...and, shortly after her call was a long distance ring that he didn't answer - he had always been taught to ignore strange numbers if parents are out...Nice move....yet all very unusual. I had an unsettled feeling in my gut even before I checked the message from that long distance caller. Instinct was right. It was the voice of a nurse - from a hospital just outside of Toronto...There had been an accident - I'd better call back! Unsettled turned to wanting to vomit!!!
The phone conversation was a blur - "Medically induced Coma", "Life Threatening Head Injury", "Collapsed Lung...", crap! If I wanted to see my husband again, I'd better make a move and get to Toronto within the next few hours. The one emergency room was in the process of transporting him to a more capable head injury unit in a downtown Toronto hospital - amidst the ice and snow - how would I ever make it there?
With the help of my teen aged boys, and at the suggestion of my sister-in-law who lives near Toronto, I booked a flight on-line. Mark's sister, brother-in-law , other brother and parents lived in the Toronto area and went to the hospital right away. I called on my family to take over my household and another one of Mark's sisters flew with me to Toronto...Thank God for family - they descended on the home and hospital with unbelievable determination and strength.
Joan and I took a 10:00 pm flight. We could have been flying to Australia - because that's how long it seemed to take...
And here's where real "change" started to happen - unknown to me at the time.
There was a profound shift in priorities! I used to spend flights planning. Allowing my thoughts to leap around - like a monkey swinging from tree to tree. But there was none of that. There was nothing but NOW! I didn't dare let myself think the unthinkable "what if", I didn't allow my mind to journey into tomorrow - or next week. For the whole flight, I focused on the "now"..."is he breathing RIGHT now?"...
Suddenly - projects due tomorrow, the trip to St. Louis, the Christmas planning were off the radar...My mind didn't wander towards dinner menus, hockey games or laundry...every ounce of my energy and focus was on being totally present.
And it wasn't even deliberate...There was simply no space left in my brain to process another single thought! It took everything to simply breathe and walk off the plane...And in being totally present, there was a weird and unfamiliar peacefulness. There wasn't the brain chatter that I was so used to - the "noise" of daily planning, anticipating, worrying and wondering that is like background "elevator music" playing in my head all day long. The magnitude of this event seemed to take up all of my mental resources so that all the other preoccupations turned off - leaving just the present - pure and simple - breathing, walking, navigating through an airport...
At the hospital, the "now" expanded to include a deep appreciation for all of the people helping and showing support. The people who surface as those who really matter in your life. But to think about tomorrow - and the daily functioning of a family, home and business was impossible! So I didn't...I surrendered to the present. Didn't care where the car was...what the bank folks thought when Mark hadn't shown up for his training meeting...what the hockey team would do sans manager at the upcoming tournament...didn't CARE...what a CHANGE!
Mark survived...and as we took baby steps back into the familiarities of daily life, the background noise started up again - and I began allowing myself to plan, worry, and anticipate again...but with a new-found gift...the ability to surrender to the present!
So...back to the original question: Did things change? What changed most profoundly for me was not my relationship with Mark, or my new business arrangements...the most dramatic change was in being able to see "context" in a new way. I always allowed clutter in my brain. Like static on a radio when the station isn't quite tuned in...It was like a dull chatter about things that aren't all that important...But after the accident, I experienced clarity - like I had finally tuned the radio to the actual channel - and got rid of the fuzziness...I got back home from Toronto and re-prioritized my life. The party didn't happen and the world was still turning. The hockey team went to the tourney and had their event without me - and they were fine...the gymnastics club went without a program for their Christmas meet - and every parent and athlete still found their way. CONTEXT to me means, prioritizing "stuff" based on the big picture...the people who will be impacted over the long haul.
So - getting a manicure by Christmas could have been considered important - in the context of daily life before...But, in the context of urgency and survival - it fell right off the radar...Doesn't mean I'll never have another manicure. It simply means that I prioritize on an entirely different plane - it's not up there with MRIs, EEGs and 42 staples in the skull...What kind of hors doeuvres to serve, what colour the programs should be, and do we have enough wine glasses - same deal....All important on some "superficial level", the only level I had ever really known...but in my new CONTEXT - I understood that these things are not deal breakers. I've hosted so many stress-free parties since...all lovely - and all focused on meaningful relationships way more than matching napkins...and I LOVE THAT!
So...I suppose I could say that my ah-ha moment was when I learned we humans are pretty remarkable. I learned that the human brain and it's layers of built in survival mechanisms reach far beyond the "fight or flight" reflex and include an extraordinary ability to shut down areas that "drain the battery", leaving on only those that are needed to function on a primal level...It's like the Blackberry as it runs down it's battery - it doesn't go from full functionality to dead...it slowly shuts down secondary applications, leaving you with basic phone service - and preserving the other applications for after it's recharged. I was running on "energy saver" mode for several days in the St. Michael's Hospital ICU unit - but my thoughts were unbelievably clear, and I was fully present. I didn't think about home, work, anything or even anyone outside of that room...and, despite the horror of the situation, it was liberating to focus on one sole goal, with no other distraction.
Now, when things seem overwhelming, I take myself back to that moment and try to find that peaceful presence - where all of the busy-ness in the brain goes still...it's a real change for me.
So - as I was sorting out these thoughts to share with Michelle, Mark - in his classic way explained what hadn't changed.... He's always felt gratitude. He's always given 100%, and he sees this setback, not as an invitation to finally discover the "joys" of life, smell the roses, or stop sweating the small stuff...he sees it as an affirmation that he was doing it right all along!
Our dinner chats aren't always this intense...most often we talk about shoes, recipes and Grey's Anatomy!!!!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Busting Tradition!
I've always been a fan of rituals...If that's even the right name for those moments of celebration and gratitude, punctuated with a tradition of some sort. As kids get older, and our family evolves into the next stage of being a "family", a few of the traditions need an overhaul...and as a mom, that's a tough pill to swallow...I miss building gingerbread houses and colouring Easter Eggs...Making Valentines Cookies and Carving Jack O Lanterns!
As we get older, the bunny hops right out of the Easter scene, the Red Suit is retired at Christmas, and the Hallmark events like Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Valentine's Day and even Halloween start screaming out for a new way to acknowledge the moment! The faster pace of a teenager-fueled life means that we need to get creative with the very traditions that once defined the moment for our family! It's been an interesting journey for me as I reconcile with letting go of some childhood rituals and decide on my "non negotiables" going forward!
For example, while Peter Rabbit is "out" - he was replaced with an elaborate treasure hunt involving 400 plastic, colour-coded eggs and a lovely brunch. These were the non-negotiables - for every age category - including all the parents! While Santa has stopped coming down the chimney, Santa Breakfast and Sleighrides are a distant, fond memory - abundant traditions have taken over, including an annual friends and family holiday party and reveillon - the non-negotiables!
This year, Samantha and I were in Atlanta for US Nationals on Valentine's day and in Toronto for Canadian Nationals on Mother's day, so...I made a conscious decision to call for a re-do! Who said the dates for these celebrations are written in stone anyway? I decided that celebrating "people" - like a valentine, a mother, a father...should not be relagated to one day a year anyway! I decided that, while acknowledging the anniversary of someone's birth or wedding is nice, actually CELEBRATING that person or that marriage can and should be a regular occurance...I came to the conclusion that, while some rituals are sacred, forming a piece of the family's foundation, by defining their identity through the traditions they hold dear - others are more superficial...the birthday cake, song and balloons - yep - should be on the birthday - but the gathering of friends and family to celebrate that person - should not be limited to a 24 hour window. Mothers, Fathers and people we love should be acknowledged every day...not once a year - on an arbitrary date - determined by the greeting card companies!
Yesterday, my mother and I spent the day together...shopping, having lunch, hanging out, catching up..there were no crowds and line ups at the restaurant and no pressure to make things picture perfect. It was the best non-Mothers day ever! No-one was let down because the surprize breakfast in bed wasn't a surprize...or the toast burned...no pressure to get the right card or make the best home made trinket!!! I'll always treasure those adorable gifts - but what I really treasured this year was the authenticity of the day - a week after the Hallmark date - and a real, non-commercial celebration of mother/daughter...mother/son bonds...where we spend time together because we genuinely want to, and call to truly hear one another's voice - not because the date on the calendar reminds us that we should!!!
This year was a real turning point for me. I'll always value traditions, I'll always maintain my non-negotiables...but have a very real desire today to link the rituals I engage in with a genuine appreciation of the purpose...not just a Martha-Stewart-like "make it perfect" because the magazines and mall signage hold us accountable to those events - so we better measure up!!! I like this new attitude...no stress because Josh's birthday dinner was in May, Mother's Day lunch was a week late, and Valentine's day saw us a thousand miles apart! This year, we celebrated with a genuine appreciation of each other and by abandonning our commitment to the date, we renewed our commitment to the purpose!!!
As we get older, the bunny hops right out of the Easter scene, the Red Suit is retired at Christmas, and the Hallmark events like Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Valentine's Day and even Halloween start screaming out for a new way to acknowledge the moment! The faster pace of a teenager-fueled life means that we need to get creative with the very traditions that once defined the moment for our family! It's been an interesting journey for me as I reconcile with letting go of some childhood rituals and decide on my "non negotiables" going forward!
For example, while Peter Rabbit is "out" - he was replaced with an elaborate treasure hunt involving 400 plastic, colour-coded eggs and a lovely brunch. These were the non-negotiables - for every age category - including all the parents! While Santa has stopped coming down the chimney, Santa Breakfast and Sleighrides are a distant, fond memory - abundant traditions have taken over, including an annual friends and family holiday party and reveillon - the non-negotiables!
This year, Samantha and I were in Atlanta for US Nationals on Valentine's day and in Toronto for Canadian Nationals on Mother's day, so...I made a conscious decision to call for a re-do! Who said the dates for these celebrations are written in stone anyway? I decided that celebrating "people" - like a valentine, a mother, a father...should not be relagated to one day a year anyway! I decided that, while acknowledging the anniversary of someone's birth or wedding is nice, actually CELEBRATING that person or that marriage can and should be a regular occurance...I came to the conclusion that, while some rituals are sacred, forming a piece of the family's foundation, by defining their identity through the traditions they hold dear - others are more superficial...the birthday cake, song and balloons - yep - should be on the birthday - but the gathering of friends and family to celebrate that person - should not be limited to a 24 hour window. Mothers, Fathers and people we love should be acknowledged every day...not once a year - on an arbitrary date - determined by the greeting card companies!
Yesterday, my mother and I spent the day together...shopping, having lunch, hanging out, catching up..there were no crowds and line ups at the restaurant and no pressure to make things picture perfect. It was the best non-Mothers day ever! No-one was let down because the surprize breakfast in bed wasn't a surprize...or the toast burned...no pressure to get the right card or make the best home made trinket!!! I'll always treasure those adorable gifts - but what I really treasured this year was the authenticity of the day - a week after the Hallmark date - and a real, non-commercial celebration of mother/daughter...mother/son bonds...where we spend time together because we genuinely want to, and call to truly hear one another's voice - not because the date on the calendar reminds us that we should!!!
This year was a real turning point for me. I'll always value traditions, I'll always maintain my non-negotiables...but have a very real desire today to link the rituals I engage in with a genuine appreciation of the purpose...not just a Martha-Stewart-like "make it perfect" because the magazines and mall signage hold us accountable to those events - so we better measure up!!! I like this new attitude...no stress because Josh's birthday dinner was in May, Mother's Day lunch was a week late, and Valentine's day saw us a thousand miles apart! This year, we celebrated with a genuine appreciation of each other and by abandonning our commitment to the date, we renewed our commitment to the purpose!!!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Taking One For The Team
I had the ultimate mom retreat this weekend, with 10,000 of my not-so-closest friends - and a couple of very good ones! Appropriate timing as it was mother's day weekend...not so appropriate in that neither my mother, my husband or 3/5ths of my children were with me! I didn't say it was the ultimate mother's day - just a really cool opportunity to do some hard core mommy-watching, solve every parenting issue in the world over a bottle of wine - and genuinely count my blessings!
I'm sure that, by the end of Saturday night, my friends and I could have written a way better version of the Psych 101 book that students pay far too much money for in first year university - and ours would have been a much more entertaining read, with a forgiving Merlot as our editor !!!
The event was the National Championships for All Star Cheerleading. An unlikely venue for psychoanalysis - but some of those crazed cheer moms were ideal subjects! Those living vicariously and wishing it were them shaking the groove thing (honey, your a 40 something year old woman, lose the 4" heals and cropped shirt!) ...others cracking under the pressure of Nationals and creating drama to rival the Sopranos! One by one, we watched as events unfolded and brought out the absolute best and worst in the cheer moms of Canada...but at the end of the day - our girls, our team, our moms rose above the raging hormones and raw emotions that can consume such an intense environment - and simply enjoyed the ride!
Granted, the ride was no horse and buggy....it was a high-speed, terrifying roller coaster with all of the gut wrenching highs and lows! The sickening anticipation as the train clicks up an endless and steep hill...(will they fall...will they stick) the heart-in-the-throat thrills as it soars down 90 degrees (they're doing it!!!!) to "thank God it's over" emotions...that last until ya line up and do it all again the very next day!
But what was really cool about our experience this weekend was the way the girls undermined drama rather than exploiting it...God knows they had legitimate cause for "excuses"- cause for ladies to freak out, cause to melt down...from the head coach sitting in the ICU on a ventilator in Ottawa - as the team busses pulled out to the venue in Toronto, only to have him appear at the hotel door during the Saturday evening team meeting (Tears flowed and shreaks could be heard throughout the building when he turned up)...to tumblers with broken fingers and sprained necks...to "I lost my skirt...I lost my shoes, I lost my tumbling"!!! There were girls with the flu, mono and nervous jitters...so why no drama??
That's what we moms explored...nooo we weren't ONLY there to cheer on the cheerleaders, we were there to figure this stuff out!!! And we did. Our team is coached by a few people who get it! And by that I dont JUST mean cheerleading - of coarse they are among the best choreographers and cheer coaches in the country - but they also get what makes a team work! They keep the girls togther - bonded - united...away from crazy cheer moms, parents with boundless enthusiasm and advice - and they make these young ladies accountable to each other! They ride the bus together to all competitions - near or 22 hours far...They keep them together for meals - they have team sleep overs - they make these girls stretch the boundaries of a sports team - and create a sisterhood - where all of their hopes and fears are shared and accepted...There's no animousity if someone forgets something...they ALL go back to get it! If someone gets a tumbling block - they ALL band together to get her through it...and that connection is the antedote to drama! We're all in this together - we'll get through it together - not by freaking in the halls, running to mom or storming off - but by drawing from the bond these coaches forged all season long! When things are rough - the girls turn inward to each other. They've grown so committed to NOT letting each other down - they can overcome any obstacle! One girl literally swallowed vomit and carried on with a dance during their performance while another fought through her block and nailed an awesome tumbling line...Broken limbs, sprained neck, and even an escape from ICU were proof that the strength in the positive message of unity and accountabilty moves mountains! The genuine desire to come through at all cost and to OWN every minute is the most powerful lesson a club can offer - and yet, it seems to be the one most clubs leave out...When other teams fail - the spiral of blame starts - "the base dropped me, the coach messed up..." In our world - that's simply unacceptable. Our girls "bring it" when it counts - they do whatever it takes, they pour 100% in and refuse to let each other down...
My hat goes off to anyone who teaches my daughter this critical life lesson - that many folks in business and in sports are still trying to grasp! No matter how much hardware we brought home on mother's day - there is no better gift than knowing my daughter gets the whole dedication and accountabilty thing.
So we watched other team's drama unfold around us as the competetion heated up...and we marvelled at the composure that accountability brought to ours. By the end of the weekend - we had three National Champion Banners, and a group of ladies who were heading home even closer than they were when those busses pulled out of Ottawa 2 days before - They arrived at the largest competion in the country ...and they left it all on the floor - for each other, for their coaches and because they decided for themselves that failure was not an option...we can write about it - but can we bottle it up and sell it??? That's a discussion for another competition weekend.
I'm sure that, by the end of Saturday night, my friends and I could have written a way better version of the Psych 101 book that students pay far too much money for in first year university - and ours would have been a much more entertaining read, with a forgiving Merlot as our editor !!!
The event was the National Championships for All Star Cheerleading. An unlikely venue for psychoanalysis - but some of those crazed cheer moms were ideal subjects! Those living vicariously and wishing it were them shaking the groove thing (honey, your a 40 something year old woman, lose the 4" heals and cropped shirt!) ...others cracking under the pressure of Nationals and creating drama to rival the Sopranos! One by one, we watched as events unfolded and brought out the absolute best and worst in the cheer moms of Canada...but at the end of the day - our girls, our team, our moms rose above the raging hormones and raw emotions that can consume such an intense environment - and simply enjoyed the ride!
Granted, the ride was no horse and buggy....it was a high-speed, terrifying roller coaster with all of the gut wrenching highs and lows! The sickening anticipation as the train clicks up an endless and steep hill...(will they fall...will they stick) the heart-in-the-throat thrills as it soars down 90 degrees (they're doing it!!!!) to "thank God it's over" emotions...that last until ya line up and do it all again the very next day!
But what was really cool about our experience this weekend was the way the girls undermined drama rather than exploiting it...God knows they had legitimate cause for "excuses"- cause for ladies to freak out, cause to melt down...from the head coach sitting in the ICU on a ventilator in Ottawa - as the team busses pulled out to the venue in Toronto, only to have him appear at the hotel door during the Saturday evening team meeting (Tears flowed and shreaks could be heard throughout the building when he turned up)...to tumblers with broken fingers and sprained necks...to "I lost my skirt...I lost my shoes, I lost my tumbling"!!! There were girls with the flu, mono and nervous jitters...so why no drama??
That's what we moms explored...nooo we weren't ONLY there to cheer on the cheerleaders, we were there to figure this stuff out!!! And we did. Our team is coached by a few people who get it! And by that I dont JUST mean cheerleading - of coarse they are among the best choreographers and cheer coaches in the country - but they also get what makes a team work! They keep the girls togther - bonded - united...away from crazy cheer moms, parents with boundless enthusiasm and advice - and they make these young ladies accountable to each other! They ride the bus together to all competitions - near or 22 hours far...They keep them together for meals - they have team sleep overs - they make these girls stretch the boundaries of a sports team - and create a sisterhood - where all of their hopes and fears are shared and accepted...There's no animousity if someone forgets something...they ALL go back to get it! If someone gets a tumbling block - they ALL band together to get her through it...and that connection is the antedote to drama! We're all in this together - we'll get through it together - not by freaking in the halls, running to mom or storming off - but by drawing from the bond these coaches forged all season long! When things are rough - the girls turn inward to each other. They've grown so committed to NOT letting each other down - they can overcome any obstacle! One girl literally swallowed vomit and carried on with a dance during their performance while another fought through her block and nailed an awesome tumbling line...Broken limbs, sprained neck, and even an escape from ICU were proof that the strength in the positive message of unity and accountabilty moves mountains! The genuine desire to come through at all cost and to OWN every minute is the most powerful lesson a club can offer - and yet, it seems to be the one most clubs leave out...When other teams fail - the spiral of blame starts - "the base dropped me, the coach messed up..." In our world - that's simply unacceptable. Our girls "bring it" when it counts - they do whatever it takes, they pour 100% in and refuse to let each other down...
My hat goes off to anyone who teaches my daughter this critical life lesson - that many folks in business and in sports are still trying to grasp! No matter how much hardware we brought home on mother's day - there is no better gift than knowing my daughter gets the whole dedication and accountabilty thing.
So we watched other team's drama unfold around us as the competetion heated up...and we marvelled at the composure that accountability brought to ours. By the end of the weekend - we had three National Champion Banners, and a group of ladies who were heading home even closer than they were when those busses pulled out of Ottawa 2 days before - They arrived at the largest competion in the country ...and they left it all on the floor - for each other, for their coaches and because they decided for themselves that failure was not an option...we can write about it - but can we bottle it up and sell it??? That's a discussion for another competition weekend.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Busy is Good
Did you ever get into that classic conversation about the "over-scheduled child"? It starts with an innocent comment, typically from a caring relative or concerned neighbor -usually after they watched some news piece about stressed out kids - or after an inadvertent and miscalculated statement on mom's part about being too busy to do whatever they've been invited to do! Before long, the debate heats up, and mom leverages the perils of childhood obesity, video game addictions, couch potato syndrome to explain the busyness...from there, the conversation takes a nosedive . Over the years, I've engaged in such precarious banter - justifying all the reasons why my kids are just so darned booked! I've wrestled with the myriad of opinions about my hectic schedule - and finally settled into a rhythm of responses...that cover all the angles. If ever the subject rears its ugly (or mildly unattractive) face - steal shamelessly from my arsenal!
1) Doing nothing is not an option! From the time they were old enough to walk...no...breathe on their own, my kids were lovingly informed that they got to do things...Not had to do things...but were privileged enough to have the health, resources and support to be able to...So, from mom and tot swimming to baby tumbling - it became a standard...doing nothing was out of the question.
2) All you need to know in business you can learn from being on a sports team...Forget the expensive MBA programs, and even the dream of a sports scholarship...the real education...the stuff that shapes an entrepreneurial brain, takes place on the bench, in the locker room, on the fields and ice rinks of the amateur sports world...cool basics like "there's no "I" in team"...(but there is in WIN!). And do what you love...where there's passion, there's talent. Too many people in business get hung up on fixing their weaknesses - so they spend all of their time focusing on what they're bad at...hoping to get a little bit better (Oh - you suck at math...better take more math to improve...DOESN'T WORK - You'll not only continue to suck at it, you'll grow to hate it too). It's way smarter to take your lead from the world of sports - where athletes are placed where their greatest talents lie...and they rise to a level of excellence rooted in passion rather than to a level of mediocrity rooted in dread...Hey, you don't see Sydney Crosby playing between the pipes because, well, he's NOT a very good goalie and could use some practice...Sports teams get the whole strengths-based concept...and kids start learning how their role and their contributions matter - from PeeWee on...They also learn that when they are passionate about something, they can manage the pain and sacrifice that goes with it. Stressed out kids? Only if the stuff you've got them doing is stuff they hate. If they love it - they're not stressed - they're busy...welcome to the real world - we're all busy...
3) There's a direct relationship between boredom and trouble in the teen years...Busy is the antidote to basement dwelling or joining the ranks of mall rats - kids just want to belong! I'd much rather they wear team colours than gang colours - and that their number is on a team jersey and not on a mug shot!
4) There is a return on your investment! Sure you have to drive them around at 6:00 in the morning, write a lot of cheques, and forfiet any semblance of a weekend but the payoff is huge!
I'm writing this on the eve of Nationals weekend, where my daughter and her Cheerleading team will be competing for back to back National Champion titles...Oh and by the way...the overscheduled thing...small price to pay when you see all of the hard work pay off at a world class event that the under-scheduled kid would give anything to experience...if only they were told from the start..."doing nothing is not an option"!
1) Doing nothing is not an option! From the time they were old enough to walk...no...breathe on their own, my kids were lovingly informed that they got to do things...Not had to do things...but were privileged enough to have the health, resources and support to be able to...So, from mom and tot swimming to baby tumbling - it became a standard...doing nothing was out of the question.
2) All you need to know in business you can learn from being on a sports team...Forget the expensive MBA programs, and even the dream of a sports scholarship...the real education...the stuff that shapes an entrepreneurial brain, takes place on the bench, in the locker room, on the fields and ice rinks of the amateur sports world...cool basics like "there's no "I" in team"...(but there is in WIN!). And do what you love...where there's passion, there's talent. Too many people in business get hung up on fixing their weaknesses - so they spend all of their time focusing on what they're bad at...hoping to get a little bit better (Oh - you suck at math...better take more math to improve...DOESN'T WORK - You'll not only continue to suck at it, you'll grow to hate it too). It's way smarter to take your lead from the world of sports - where athletes are placed where their greatest talents lie...and they rise to a level of excellence rooted in passion rather than to a level of mediocrity rooted in dread...Hey, you don't see Sydney Crosby playing between the pipes because, well, he's NOT a very good goalie and could use some practice...Sports teams get the whole strengths-based concept...and kids start learning how their role and their contributions matter - from PeeWee on...They also learn that when they are passionate about something, they can manage the pain and sacrifice that goes with it. Stressed out kids? Only if the stuff you've got them doing is stuff they hate. If they love it - they're not stressed - they're busy...welcome to the real world - we're all busy...
3) There's a direct relationship between boredom and trouble in the teen years...Busy is the antidote to basement dwelling or joining the ranks of mall rats - kids just want to belong! I'd much rather they wear team colours than gang colours - and that their number is on a team jersey and not on a mug shot!
4) There is a return on your investment! Sure you have to drive them around at 6:00 in the morning, write a lot of cheques, and forfiet any semblance of a weekend but the payoff is huge!
I'm writing this on the eve of Nationals weekend, where my daughter and her Cheerleading team will be competing for back to back National Champion titles...Oh and by the way...the overscheduled thing...small price to pay when you see all of the hard work pay off at a world class event that the under-scheduled kid would give anything to experience...if only they were told from the start..."doing nothing is not an option"!
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