Have you ever paid attention to the "inner workings" of a great team? There's always a core group of players who have a mastery over the game. They execute every move with technical perfection, they "get" the strategy, they read their opponents, and they consistently finish the job with predictable precision. They have the smarts and the muscle memory - and I call them the "head" players.
Then, there are those high energy wild cards, who go out there in an almost-reckless abandon - determined to use their grit, instinct and sheer determination to either win big or mess up bigger. These are the players who throw that hail Mary pass as the whistle blows - or score that overtime goal because they took a risk and tried something a little different. They are not the consistent, strategic, by-the-book players - they are the ones that are willing to lay it all on the line to follow their gut instinct. I call them the "heart" players.
I believe that every successful team - in sports, in business AND in marriage needs both head and heart players. No question - our home team has it's share of both... I am that heart player and Mark would be the consistent, reliable, strategic, methodical and deliberate head player. He reads every situation, maps out a game plan - and usually scores! I, on the other hand, rely heavily on passion and instinct - making decisions based on what feels right - living in the moment with more "Hail Mary" passes on record than I care to remember! Success is sweet, and the incomplete pass is...expected.
We recently made a few big decisions, that brought our "playing styles" to light in a big way... Good friends invited us on a cruise. 24 hours after we talked about it, we booked it...well, "we" being our friends and I. Mark would have preferred researching, comparing, studying and waiting for all stars to align. He likes time to strategize, analyze and internalize... while I just FINALIZE! The "head player" wants everything to make sense - while the "heart player" says, "who cares whether it's the very best option...it will be the funnest option because our friends will be there, and we have lots of reasons to celebrate!" My instinct says - this will be GOOD..."Hail Mary Pass" at its finest!
We recently bought a car...and all I can say is - thank goodness the head player dominated that field! Mark followed the car-buying playbook to a "t" and executed. I was thrilled with the results - especially because we ended up with the same car I had picked out in June...A few weeks before the car and the cruise decisions, our son decided to take a semester away from university study to pursue his banking interests and finish some on-line courses. I was entirely supportive, knowing in my heart that we had given him the foundation to make smart choices and knowing that - as in any recognized and respected co-op program, taking a few months away from classroom theory to put skills into practice is a good thing...Enter - "head player", firing up the debate over how things are supposed to be! Once upon a time, the playbook clearly said that after high school, you go to university, then get a job. That's the proper order and the right way...My alternative point of view was the equivalent of that annoying player digging in the corner, hoping to turn sheer determination into a goal on the scoreboard...I have no idea if I earned a point on this one - but what I DO know is that our son heard both voices on a level playing field and understands how important his decisions are to us...that's gotta be a win on some level.
I'm glad that our kids are being raised on a well balanced team. I'm glad Mark's sense is tempered by my sensibility and that my occasional "jump right in" tendency is offset my Mark's impeccable planning. I'm glad that our team can have a pretty solid play book, that allows for a bit of creativity, flexibility and the occasional crazy pass when we should have punted! I'm especially glad when Mark doesn't call me out when I'm offside or when I fumble - because, between the misses, this team executes some spectacular plays.
Time will tell whether our most recent decisions will bring home a win...but either way, the experience will help take our game to the next level!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The Up's and Down's of Middle Age!
I recently turned 45. Maybe it was the high altitude and thin mountain air that caused me to celebrate that milestone with euphoric bliss. Surrounded by family and by the Three Sisters Peaks, I blew out my candles and graciously embraced "middle age"...Actually, it may even be pushing the envelope to assume that 45 is the half way point, but I'm an optimist by nature.
Soon after my Banff Birthday, I came home and fell back into the daily routine of work, school and sundry "stuff" - HOLY CRAP - I'M 45! This is no longer as quaint and charming as it was in my Rocky Mountain zen-like state. Someone or something made off with a whole decade - I swear I was just 29! After all, 45 is the age where "hot" isn't used in reference to me, but instead - what happens to me as I spontaneously break out in an uncontrollable sweat. 45 is when the "mid-life crisis" translates into a hot little sports car - and that's not the only thing that goes from 0 to 150 in seconds - try the bathroom scale! 45 is when you can legitimately say to your kids "I have socks older than you." 45 is when you have to stop referring to the extra 25 and a half pounds as "baby baggage" - my baby is 13 today - it's lack -of-gym-itis!!!
The other day at work someone even referred to the "R" word - that NEVER happens! I was asked how long until I retire - COME ON NOW!!! 45 is a pivotal age. Sandwiched between growing yet needy teens and aging, yet highly independent and healthy parents. Managing a mind that says "yes you can", and a body that says "don't you DARE". Thinking you're way too young for some stuff - like, let's say a vacation in St. Pete's...but way too old for other stuff - like skinny jeans, bikinis, backpacking through Europe, and a few downtown clubs where everyone looks like they're out way past curfew. It's an age of discovery but with fewer joyful discoveries..."I can't stay up that late and function the next morning" is one example.
Recently, I've been making a few discoveries and decisions that are definitely age related...things that never would have occurred to me a few years ago...or even a few short months ago! I'm holding things at arm's length to read them, and increasing the font on my computer...I even use that magnifying thingy at the pharmacy to read the labels! I've started spending a dollar for every year of my life on a jar of moisturizer - Noxema doesn't cut it anymore...I've found creative ways to craft a scarf around my neck when the wrinkles seem noticeable, and I pick up a box of haircolour at each drugstore visit (just in case the pesky roots grow out ahead of schedule).
Then there's the cool stuff that comes with being "middle aged"...All of those successful "suits" that used to intimidate the hell out of you 15 years ago are retired and replaced by young, hip, creative geniuses who report to you - and make you feel kind of young, hip and creative - or at least refreshed by their enthusiasm and boundless energy. You can speak from the heart - and genuinely express your opinion without reservation...because your opinion carries with it a little bit of experience! At 45, I can take a road trip without toting diaper bags, bottles, car seat, high chair, pack and play, and 20 changes of clothes "in case"...I can plan a spontaneous "date" for two without a week's worth of orchestration.
As a woman of 45, living in these post-feminist times, I suppose acceptance rather than shock, followed by terror - would be the "mature woman" approach to aging gracefully. Women today have a much longer life expectancy and are much more vital in their twilight years. 45 is the new 35! Aging graciously has never been a desire of mine, but these "times" embrace and revere the mature women, so why not jump on the bandwagon and grab some R-E-S-P-E-C-T ( I'm defining "mature" loosely as those of us who buy the "mature woman" vitamins and skin cream).
These "times" are flexible, lenient and forgiving (like my new jeans)- Today, society embraces the single mom, the professional career woman, the cougar, the blended family and every configuration of parental units imaginable. The traditional pressures of being married by a certain age, starting a family, yada, yada...have dissolved into the pages of history - only to be revived by the "feministas" (feminist Divas) who have a bone to pick with any institution that supports traditional roles. I went through a touch of feminism fever - it passed like a bad flu bug, out of my system in plenty of time to be a stay at home mom for several years, raise some cool kids, grow a career and a strong marriage.
Maybe being 45 isn't as traumatic as all that! Maybe I should re-evaluate, and be grateful for all of the blessings and insights these 45 years have delivered. Maybe, I should focus on how old I feel rather than how many calendar years have passed! Some days - that would mean 107, but on others, in fact the majority of them, I feel at least 10 years younger on the inside...and as I ramp up the walking, get to the gym and keep on with the expensive "mature skin" face cream, there's just no telling what the future will hold.
Soon after my Banff Birthday, I came home and fell back into the daily routine of work, school and sundry "stuff" - HOLY CRAP - I'M 45! This is no longer as quaint and charming as it was in my Rocky Mountain zen-like state. Someone or something made off with a whole decade - I swear I was just 29! After all, 45 is the age where "hot" isn't used in reference to me, but instead - what happens to me as I spontaneously break out in an uncontrollable sweat. 45 is when the "mid-life crisis" translates into a hot little sports car - and that's not the only thing that goes from 0 to 150 in seconds - try the bathroom scale! 45 is when you can legitimately say to your kids "I have socks older than you." 45 is when you have to stop referring to the extra 25 and a half pounds as "baby baggage" - my baby is 13 today - it's lack -of-gym-itis!!!
The other day at work someone even referred to the "R" word - that NEVER happens! I was asked how long until I retire - COME ON NOW!!! 45 is a pivotal age. Sandwiched between growing yet needy teens and aging, yet highly independent and healthy parents. Managing a mind that says "yes you can", and a body that says "don't you DARE". Thinking you're way too young for some stuff - like, let's say a vacation in St. Pete's...but way too old for other stuff - like skinny jeans, bikinis, backpacking through Europe, and a few downtown clubs where everyone looks like they're out way past curfew. It's an age of discovery but with fewer joyful discoveries..."I can't stay up that late and function the next morning" is one example.
Recently, I've been making a few discoveries and decisions that are definitely age related...things that never would have occurred to me a few years ago...or even a few short months ago! I'm holding things at arm's length to read them, and increasing the font on my computer...I even use that magnifying thingy at the pharmacy to read the labels! I've started spending a dollar for every year of my life on a jar of moisturizer - Noxema doesn't cut it anymore...I've found creative ways to craft a scarf around my neck when the wrinkles seem noticeable, and I pick up a box of haircolour at each drugstore visit (just in case the pesky roots grow out ahead of schedule).
Then there's the cool stuff that comes with being "middle aged"...All of those successful "suits" that used to intimidate the hell out of you 15 years ago are retired and replaced by young, hip, creative geniuses who report to you - and make you feel kind of young, hip and creative - or at least refreshed by their enthusiasm and boundless energy. You can speak from the heart - and genuinely express your opinion without reservation...because your opinion carries with it a little bit of experience! At 45, I can take a road trip without toting diaper bags, bottles, car seat, high chair, pack and play, and 20 changes of clothes "in case"...I can plan a spontaneous "date" for two without a week's worth of orchestration.
As a woman of 45, living in these post-feminist times, I suppose acceptance rather than shock, followed by terror - would be the "mature woman" approach to aging gracefully. Women today have a much longer life expectancy and are much more vital in their twilight years. 45 is the new 35! Aging graciously has never been a desire of mine, but these "times" embrace and revere the mature women, so why not jump on the bandwagon and grab some R-E-S-P-E-C-T ( I'm defining "mature" loosely as those of us who buy the "mature woman" vitamins and skin cream).
These "times" are flexible, lenient and forgiving (like my new jeans)- Today, society embraces the single mom, the professional career woman, the cougar, the blended family and every configuration of parental units imaginable. The traditional pressures of being married by a certain age, starting a family, yada, yada...have dissolved into the pages of history - only to be revived by the "feministas" (feminist Divas) who have a bone to pick with any institution that supports traditional roles. I went through a touch of feminism fever - it passed like a bad flu bug, out of my system in plenty of time to be a stay at home mom for several years, raise some cool kids, grow a career and a strong marriage.
Maybe being 45 isn't as traumatic as all that! Maybe I should re-evaluate, and be grateful for all of the blessings and insights these 45 years have delivered. Maybe, I should focus on how old I feel rather than how many calendar years have passed! Some days - that would mean 107, but on others, in fact the majority of them, I feel at least 10 years younger on the inside...and as I ramp up the walking, get to the gym and keep on with the expensive "mature skin" face cream, there's just no telling what the future will hold.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
You Just Can't Plan That...
The last few weeks were among my favourites of the year! They saw hours of planning and preparation that involved excessive shopping and loads of hype! Checking details on-line, making calls and visualizing every moment until an image of perfection formed in my mind. Sounds a little like my annual quest for the Norman Rockwell Christmas experience. But, it's August and I was dreaming of the ultimate family vacation!!! As my family gets older, and the grown boys graciously bow out of summer holiday travel in favour of work, hockey and girlfriends - I treasure with even deeper gratitude, the fragility of secluded family time. Carving out a mere 10 days from the 365 seems easy in the grand scheme of things, but in our reality, earmarking 10 days for fun and frolic is pushing the envelope! That's why, when I steal precious time away from the busy lives we've each designed here in Orleans, moments DO take on that magical flavour of Christmastime - when the world seems to stop because we've decided to call a "time out" and enjoy each other.
When I sit back and look over all of the "magical" journeys this family has taken, whether it's Christmas morning, March break or summer vacation, there is one element of consistency among them: Stress-filled anticipation, combined with planning each detail to the most granular level! I would picture the Martha Stewart holiday gathering (I own every one of her holiday books), the traditional Christmas morning and a vacation lifted right out of the pages in my glossy travel brochures. I'd spend hours working through checklists, making up itineraries, writing lists and more lists...sparing no detail. But the funniest, MOST consistent and reliable attribute of every single holiday is that, no matter how well planned it was, the fondest and most cherished memories were created through moments that simply can't be planned.
I'm talking about ringing Sydney Crosby's doorbell in Dartmouth, Tyler winning a ping pong tournament in Dominican, and being crowned "king Arthur" of the resort, and having cousins turn up unexpectedly in Orlando to ride the Hulk with us!. The spontaneous laughs, the laid back attitudes, the extra time to play a game of cards or eye spy...Meeting new people and getting re-connected with old friends and dear family - those are the unscripted pieces of a great vacation. I'm happy to say that this year's trip boasted its own unscripted moments!
As expected, I wrote lists, made copies of my itineraries, double checked my bookings, packed extra of everything - and set out for another "perfect" experience. I anticipated 10 days of natural beauty in the mountains and precious family time in the prairies. What I didn't expect was the power of the Rockies! Breathtaking majesty that captures the spirit and affects an inner sense of relaxation that no spa in the universe can replicate! I also couldn't have planned all of the fun we had with Tyler, Cameron and Samantha as they discovered the wildlife, the glacial lakes, the hot springs and the mountain village of Banff.
Conversations seemed richer, games we played, music we shared and even the night time silence seemed sacred. Every minute was cherished with genuine enjoyment - and what I loved most was that we didn't have to rely on amusement rides or commercial interventions to dictate our "fun quotient"! Hikes, drives and downtown strolls gave us plenty of thrills with the pure and unexpected magnificence of our surroundings. We'd pop into Starbucks for an afternoon frappacino and talk about everything from outer space to ice fields! Time seemed to stand still...but only temporarily! Five days after checking in to our mountain paradise, we were off to phase two of the journey:A family wedding in Saskatchewan. We were rested, revitalized, even manicured!
Again - every detail was planned for this leg of the trip: Wedding gifts, shoes, suits, ties and dresses - all wrapped in dry cleaner plastic and stowed in a special "wedding suitcase" that was treated like the holy grail. We left the Calgary foothills and landed in the middle of a scene from Corner Gas! This Saskatchewan setting cried out for the making of memories. It was the Hallmark of both "unexpected" and extreme - a natural launching point for new holiday experiences - none more important than a celebration of marriage. The first of 27 grandchildren walked down the aisle - and you don't often get a chance to plan a vacation around such a monumental event, especially not in the heartland of the prairies.
As with anything in nature, subtle characteristics are amplified when superimposed against a contrasting backdrop. The landscape seemed even flatter when experienced immediately after a complete Rocky Mountain immersion! Twenty one people under one roof seemed like a large crowd in contrast to our little cocoon of five. The big prairie sky was bigger and the endless grain fields seemed eerily ominous as they stretched, uninterrupted, to the horizon. Both landscape and lifestyle were dramatically different from anything we knew, yet we still managed to uncover a few universals and breed some familiarity through music and dance moves, tumbling and long walks, cold beer and a good game of pool; water skiing and BBQs!
This trip was a journey through the country, the mind and the spirit. It was an education not only about glaciers and grain elevators, but about priorities and family values. It was a reminder that despite dramatically different surroundings, vastly different lifestyles, tastes and opinions - family bonds always lead us to a common ground; a higher ground! When you are part of a huge family - that's probably one of the greatest unplanned takeaways you could hope for. Each one of my kids found their own way to uncover common interests with their cousins, and in a very short time they grew lifelong relationships based on similarities. Differences, though dramatic, became inconsequential. Whether on the dance floor, in a game of Risk, in the swimming pool, or at the lake, common interests were punctuated...Some even found common ground at the wedding itself through familiar hymns and prayers they hear at school.
I could write for days about my "spotty" faith, parenting philosophy and attitude about kids in sports or creatures in nature but, whats infinitely more important is the way families from different places and perspectives can spend beautiful time together by focusing on some fundamentals we all can share: a desire for fun, laughter, good company and a need to feel valued. It was so refreshing to see such a diverse group of cousins figure out ways they could enjoy each other - and they came up with an endless supply of ideas: Mud wrestling in a puddle on a country road, playing extreme hide and seek, football and stargazing under the awesome night sky - their camp out in a trailer, campfire in the pit and every other backyard adventure met that fundamental human desire to play, laugh and be a valuable part of something!
So here's to spontaneous epiphanies in the prairies! Maybe it was my pre-wedding "mountain zen" experience that cleared out the cobwebs...all I know for sure is that 21 very different people from very different places spent many days together under one roof and we've been adding facebook friends ever since! In addition, we experienced a beautiful wedding, danced the night away in celebration and drove the Saskatoon streets trying to find our way back to the hotel when all was said and done (My GPS was sleepy). Once more, the fondest memories came from the most unexpected situations and you just can't plan for that.
When I sit back and look over all of the "magical" journeys this family has taken, whether it's Christmas morning, March break or summer vacation, there is one element of consistency among them: Stress-filled anticipation, combined with planning each detail to the most granular level! I would picture the Martha Stewart holiday gathering (I own every one of her holiday books), the traditional Christmas morning and a vacation lifted right out of the pages in my glossy travel brochures. I'd spend hours working through checklists, making up itineraries, writing lists and more lists...sparing no detail. But the funniest, MOST consistent and reliable attribute of every single holiday is that, no matter how well planned it was, the fondest and most cherished memories were created through moments that simply can't be planned.
I'm talking about ringing Sydney Crosby's doorbell in Dartmouth, Tyler winning a ping pong tournament in Dominican, and being crowned "king Arthur" of the resort, and having cousins turn up unexpectedly in Orlando to ride the Hulk with us!. The spontaneous laughs, the laid back attitudes, the extra time to play a game of cards or eye spy...Meeting new people and getting re-connected with old friends and dear family - those are the unscripted pieces of a great vacation. I'm happy to say that this year's trip boasted its own unscripted moments!
As expected, I wrote lists, made copies of my itineraries, double checked my bookings, packed extra of everything - and set out for another "perfect" experience. I anticipated 10 days of natural beauty in the mountains and precious family time in the prairies. What I didn't expect was the power of the Rockies! Breathtaking majesty that captures the spirit and affects an inner sense of relaxation that no spa in the universe can replicate! I also couldn't have planned all of the fun we had with Tyler, Cameron and Samantha as they discovered the wildlife, the glacial lakes, the hot springs and the mountain village of Banff.
Conversations seemed richer, games we played, music we shared and even the night time silence seemed sacred. Every minute was cherished with genuine enjoyment - and what I loved most was that we didn't have to rely on amusement rides or commercial interventions to dictate our "fun quotient"! Hikes, drives and downtown strolls gave us plenty of thrills with the pure and unexpected magnificence of our surroundings. We'd pop into Starbucks for an afternoon frappacino and talk about everything from outer space to ice fields! Time seemed to stand still...but only temporarily! Five days after checking in to our mountain paradise, we were off to phase two of the journey:A family wedding in Saskatchewan. We were rested, revitalized, even manicured!
Again - every detail was planned for this leg of the trip: Wedding gifts, shoes, suits, ties and dresses - all wrapped in dry cleaner plastic and stowed in a special "wedding suitcase" that was treated like the holy grail. We left the Calgary foothills and landed in the middle of a scene from Corner Gas! This Saskatchewan setting cried out for the making of memories. It was the Hallmark of both "unexpected" and extreme - a natural launching point for new holiday experiences - none more important than a celebration of marriage. The first of 27 grandchildren walked down the aisle - and you don't often get a chance to plan a vacation around such a monumental event, especially not in the heartland of the prairies.
As with anything in nature, subtle characteristics are amplified when superimposed against a contrasting backdrop. The landscape seemed even flatter when experienced immediately after a complete Rocky Mountain immersion! Twenty one people under one roof seemed like a large crowd in contrast to our little cocoon of five. The big prairie sky was bigger and the endless grain fields seemed eerily ominous as they stretched, uninterrupted, to the horizon. Both landscape and lifestyle were dramatically different from anything we knew, yet we still managed to uncover a few universals and breed some familiarity through music and dance moves, tumbling and long walks, cold beer and a good game of pool; water skiing and BBQs!
This trip was a journey through the country, the mind and the spirit. It was an education not only about glaciers and grain elevators, but about priorities and family values. It was a reminder that despite dramatically different surroundings, vastly different lifestyles, tastes and opinions - family bonds always lead us to a common ground; a higher ground! When you are part of a huge family - that's probably one of the greatest unplanned takeaways you could hope for. Each one of my kids found their own way to uncover common interests with their cousins, and in a very short time they grew lifelong relationships based on similarities. Differences, though dramatic, became inconsequential. Whether on the dance floor, in a game of Risk, in the swimming pool, or at the lake, common interests were punctuated...Some even found common ground at the wedding itself through familiar hymns and prayers they hear at school.
I could write for days about my "spotty" faith, parenting philosophy and attitude about kids in sports or creatures in nature but, whats infinitely more important is the way families from different places and perspectives can spend beautiful time together by focusing on some fundamentals we all can share: a desire for fun, laughter, good company and a need to feel valued. It was so refreshing to see such a diverse group of cousins figure out ways they could enjoy each other - and they came up with an endless supply of ideas: Mud wrestling in a puddle on a country road, playing extreme hide and seek, football and stargazing under the awesome night sky - their camp out in a trailer, campfire in the pit and every other backyard adventure met that fundamental human desire to play, laugh and be a valuable part of something!
So here's to spontaneous epiphanies in the prairies! Maybe it was my pre-wedding "mountain zen" experience that cleared out the cobwebs...all I know for sure is that 21 very different people from very different places spent many days together under one roof and we've been adding facebook friends ever since! In addition, we experienced a beautiful wedding, danced the night away in celebration and drove the Saskatoon streets trying to find our way back to the hotel when all was said and done (My GPS was sleepy). Once more, the fondest memories came from the most unexpected situations and you just can't plan for that.
Friday, July 17, 2009
On raising sons and daughters
The title of this installment implies some degree of authority on the matter of raising sons and daughters. Let me say something right up front...I got NOTHING!!! No research, no scientific evidence, no Dr. Phil psycho babble...just an opinion and a few dozen years of hanging out with other moms who, as luck and nature would have it...also have opinions on the difference between parenting boys and parenting girls...
So here it is...boys are "easier". And why is that??? Because they are not emotional...Say again!? They don't "do" drama...If they have a problem, they work it out in the school yard and then they get over it. Yep...that is the opinion of the majority - boys are tough when they're little - climbing your best pieces of furniture like trees, and putting reptiles in the laundry hamper...but then, according to popular belief, these same little demons start sprouting wings and the balance of terror shifts to the female , where raging hormones take the heat for every sigh, shrug, cheeky comment and classic eye-roll!
OK - this is where I stomp my feet and throw my hissy in that typical female way!!!! No, really - the myth of the unemotional boy who throws a few punches and gets back to business is a crock! Boys hold grudges, boys play mind games, boys' feelings get every bit as bruised as their bodies! I believe that pressure from all of these "tough guy" myths is the only thing that separates boys from emotional outbursts. And while boys' stoicism may seem easier to manage on the surface, I'm sure that all of the pent up frustration that comes from NOT having your feelings heard makes for some really challenging silence. "What's the matter?" "Nothing"..."Are you upset?" "No" "What are you thinking about?" "Nothing"? Oh yeah - THAT's easy to deal with!
Call me crazy, but I find the outpouring of emotion, the 911 crisis, and the unnecessary drama way easier - because at the end of the day, you've also got the closure that comes with laying it all out there!
So here's my opinion in the sea of non-experts...Boys want to be notorious for their "simplicity"...They pride themselves on not being "deep" or complicated. They brag about settling arguments by popping someone in the nose...But I know that their ego is susceptible to bruises - and that they don't want to blow their tough guy image by getting all emotional...Does that make them easier to parent? Call me crazy, but I find it much easier to deal with what I can see than what I can't...and when it comes to girls - there's a transparency that's refreshing. There are no hidden emotions, no giant egos suppressing "uncool" feelings or reactions...In fact, the opposite is true: With girls, NO feeling is left out of the mix...And not only are the girls' emotions exposed...but so are their opinions about everyone else's! While all of this turmoil and yes, drama, seems like a huge hassle, it's really quite predictable. I wouldn't be surprised if every girl mom has figured out a formula for going from tragedy to comedy in five easy steps...
But I've yet to hear the formula for pulling an ounce of insight out of "nothing and I dunno"!
I've been blessed with a 4 to 1 ratio of boys to girls...and, as luck would have it - that's what I just read was the level of challenge of raising teenage girls to teenage boys. They say raising 1 girl through puberty is as difficult as raising 4 boys...hmmm, I'll have to see about that - but so far, I'm not buying it!
So here it is...boys are "easier". And why is that??? Because they are not emotional...Say again!? They don't "do" drama...If they have a problem, they work it out in the school yard and then they get over it. Yep...that is the opinion of the majority - boys are tough when they're little - climbing your best pieces of furniture like trees, and putting reptiles in the laundry hamper...but then, according to popular belief, these same little demons start sprouting wings and the balance of terror shifts to the female , where raging hormones take the heat for every sigh, shrug, cheeky comment and classic eye-roll!
OK - this is where I stomp my feet and throw my hissy in that typical female way!!!! No, really - the myth of the unemotional boy who throws a few punches and gets back to business is a crock! Boys hold grudges, boys play mind games, boys' feelings get every bit as bruised as their bodies! I believe that pressure from all of these "tough guy" myths is the only thing that separates boys from emotional outbursts. And while boys' stoicism may seem easier to manage on the surface, I'm sure that all of the pent up frustration that comes from NOT having your feelings heard makes for some really challenging silence. "What's the matter?" "Nothing"..."Are you upset?" "No" "What are you thinking about?" "Nothing"? Oh yeah - THAT's easy to deal with!
Call me crazy, but I find the outpouring of emotion, the 911 crisis, and the unnecessary drama way easier - because at the end of the day, you've also got the closure that comes with laying it all out there!
So here's my opinion in the sea of non-experts...Boys want to be notorious for their "simplicity"...They pride themselves on not being "deep" or complicated. They brag about settling arguments by popping someone in the nose...But I know that their ego is susceptible to bruises - and that they don't want to blow their tough guy image by getting all emotional...Does that make them easier to parent? Call me crazy, but I find it much easier to deal with what I can see than what I can't...and when it comes to girls - there's a transparency that's refreshing. There are no hidden emotions, no giant egos suppressing "uncool" feelings or reactions...In fact, the opposite is true: With girls, NO feeling is left out of the mix...And not only are the girls' emotions exposed...but so are their opinions about everyone else's! While all of this turmoil and yes, drama, seems like a huge hassle, it's really quite predictable. I wouldn't be surprised if every girl mom has figured out a formula for going from tragedy to comedy in five easy steps...
But I've yet to hear the formula for pulling an ounce of insight out of "nothing and I dunno"!
I've been blessed with a 4 to 1 ratio of boys to girls...and, as luck would have it - that's what I just read was the level of challenge of raising teenage girls to teenage boys. They say raising 1 girl through puberty is as difficult as raising 4 boys...hmmm, I'll have to see about that - but so far, I'm not buying it!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
It's The Climb!
I used to hear people say that the journey is more important than the destination and figured they ought to pick a more exciting destination! There was a time, not all that long ago, when I was all about the final goal...nose to the grindstone and get there! No stopping to smell any roses! My forty-something experience hosts a new attitude; maybe it's one of more patience . Or, more likely, my desire to enjoy the ride may simply be a matter of not having the drive to race to the finish line with as much vigor...Either way, the journey is looking pretty good. I'm starting to see the virtue in Miley's song: "It's the climb".
And climb we do! Our calendar is peppered with "milestones" ...there may be 4 or 5 of them a year...and between each of these "ultimate destinations" are 360 journey days. Life becomes richer when each step along the way is cherished with the same appreciation afforded the "main event". I've learned an important lesson in trekking through this life - take time to appreciate the incidentals that make each adventure real: it's all the little things that define the experience and that give credence and legitimacy to the celebration at the summit!
The events of the past week and the simple joys, laughs and challenges that paved the road to a beautiful wedding celebration in Barrie prove that the pleasure is in the journey and that the celebration is even sweeter when every moment is cherished along the way. The plan was for a simple wedding reception for my brother-in-law and his new bride; 20 or so people, in my mother-in-law's back yard...Wait, make that 30, no maybe 40 - oops, let's go with 50 - for a pig roast and luau - or, how about a traditional beef roast - wait - let's move it to my sister-in-law's yard...yeah - and we'll have it catered....or we can make all the food - but we'll need to rent tables...and chairs! Let's rent 4 rectangular - no - 5...make that 7 rounds! Let's get dishes, glasses, napkins and cutlery too - and up that order three times...Welcome to June - and - in mountaineering terms - base camp!
The party needed to be on a Friday - to accommodate the bride and groom's travel plans. So we would plan to get there Wednesday, and spend Thursday and Friday shopping, cooking and setting up. Sounds logical...and in normal circumstances it would be a simple "climb" - but simple isn't our style - so let's shake things up a little - throw in a graduation party (Wednesday night), Birth of puppies (4:00 am Thursday morning), a Lifesaving course that my nephew had to take all weekend long, coordinating the pick up of family from the airport as they started to trickle into town, and the threat of the LCBO going on strike!!! Now let's check the oxygen supply at 10,000 feet!
On pure adrenaline, we powered through the Wednesday night grad formalities and Samantha rekindled her close friendship with her cousin, leaving the grad party so they could spend time together at home. Then, as silence washed over the house (except for the din of Mario Kart engines racing in the family room) - Harley decided now would be a great time to give birth! On zero sleep, we were mid wives by night, delivering 4 puppies - and caterers by day - loading an unprecedented three baskets full of food at Costco - and buying everything needed for spectacular centerpieces...(except tethers to hold the damn vases down in the wind)...
Autopilot kicked in for this part of the journey...making cheese platters, veggie trays, salmon rolls, dips, salads of every kind, desserts...and as the tables, counters and every possible kitchen surface overflowed with wedding food, it became obvious that storage would be a huge issue...So, in keeping with the wedding tradition - to include something borrowed - we were on the phone borrowing a fridge! Mark and the boys literally trekked down the street and hoisted a neighbours fridge right out of their basement - door came off, and before long a full fridge was sitting in the garage - another good laugh and problem solved...As more family started to arrive, more adventures were in the making - by late Thursday night - we were ready for sleep - but Mario Kart racers would hear nothing of it...woohoo
Excitement mounted in proportion to exhaustion as the climb intensified...Friday was here - and the sun was shining! Boys were going kayaking and we were going to set up the yard, the roasts, the flower arrangements and anything else that needed setting up! Ice - check, beer and wine - check, tables, chairs, dishes...still waiting....No stress...the bride and groom were relaxing down the street at my in-law's home...we had made up enough food trays to hold them all up over there for a month...and last guest, sister Janet's flight from Regina was delayed...oh the climb!
By 3:00 the truck had arrived and unloaded all the tables, chairs and rental supplies. The party was scheduled to start at 6:00...Loads of time! All hands were on deck to set up tables - but how many men would it take to get the table clothes to stay on the tables and not blow around? FOUR with giant staple guns! They went to town on the cloths - ingeniously stapling fabric to wood...this he-man moment was followed by the tying and staking of the roasts, several grunts and a few beers...ah the climb!
The dozens of roses, arranged among baby's breath in pretty pink water and tall vases were the biggest challenge. The wind would pick up and send them soaring across the linen - threatening to spit red food coloured water all over the 50 carefully rolled yellow napkins the girls had assembled for cutlery! We debated what to do with them...and finally added a few extra marbles and hoped for the best as we sat guests and advised them to look out for flying vases when the wind picked up...of course, I reminded myself to stop and smell the roses every once in a while.
Toasts, bits of marriage advise, music, dance and lots of wine followed. The food was great, music sweet and company even sweeter. The summit came with the cutting of the beautiful, custom designed wedding cake...everyone was full, dry and happy - life was good!
We partied and celebrated until daybreak...then, the bride and groom opened wedding gifts on the patio - in the mid-morning sun. My daughter caught the bouquet, we all saw them off - and as the airport shuttle pulled out of the driveway - we closed another chapter - checked another milestone off the calendar and reflected on the success of the event.
Today, from a 40-something vantage point - I can say for sure that my fondest memories all took shape behind the scenes - off the beaten path - as the sun was rising, or setting...in the bustling pre-party kitchen, or the laundry-room turned delivery room...in the aisles of Costco or in the Dollarama glasswear section. There is no question that the event was a huge success - but the journey was overflowing with goodness - not to be under rated by tired bones or a sleepy brain - because that's when you know the climb was really great!!!
And climb we do! Our calendar is peppered with "milestones" ...there may be 4 or 5 of them a year...and between each of these "ultimate destinations" are 360 journey days. Life becomes richer when each step along the way is cherished with the same appreciation afforded the "main event". I've learned an important lesson in trekking through this life - take time to appreciate the incidentals that make each adventure real: it's all the little things that define the experience and that give credence and legitimacy to the celebration at the summit!
The events of the past week and the simple joys, laughs and challenges that paved the road to a beautiful wedding celebration in Barrie prove that the pleasure is in the journey and that the celebration is even sweeter when every moment is cherished along the way. The plan was for a simple wedding reception for my brother-in-law and his new bride; 20 or so people, in my mother-in-law's back yard...Wait, make that 30, no maybe 40 - oops, let's go with 50 - for a pig roast and luau - or, how about a traditional beef roast - wait - let's move it to my sister-in-law's yard...yeah - and we'll have it catered....or we can make all the food - but we'll need to rent tables...and chairs! Let's rent 4 rectangular - no - 5...make that 7 rounds! Let's get dishes, glasses, napkins and cutlery too - and up that order three times...Welcome to June - and - in mountaineering terms - base camp!
The party needed to be on a Friday - to accommodate the bride and groom's travel plans. So we would plan to get there Wednesday, and spend Thursday and Friday shopping, cooking and setting up. Sounds logical...and in normal circumstances it would be a simple "climb" - but simple isn't our style - so let's shake things up a little - throw in a graduation party (Wednesday night), Birth of puppies (4:00 am Thursday morning), a Lifesaving course that my nephew had to take all weekend long, coordinating the pick up of family from the airport as they started to trickle into town, and the threat of the LCBO going on strike!!! Now let's check the oxygen supply at 10,000 feet!
On pure adrenaline, we powered through the Wednesday night grad formalities and Samantha rekindled her close friendship with her cousin, leaving the grad party so they could spend time together at home. Then, as silence washed over the house (except for the din of Mario Kart engines racing in the family room) - Harley decided now would be a great time to give birth! On zero sleep, we were mid wives by night, delivering 4 puppies - and caterers by day - loading an unprecedented three baskets full of food at Costco - and buying everything needed for spectacular centerpieces...(except tethers to hold the damn vases down in the wind)...
Autopilot kicked in for this part of the journey...making cheese platters, veggie trays, salmon rolls, dips, salads of every kind, desserts...and as the tables, counters and every possible kitchen surface overflowed with wedding food, it became obvious that storage would be a huge issue...So, in keeping with the wedding tradition - to include something borrowed - we were on the phone borrowing a fridge! Mark and the boys literally trekked down the street and hoisted a neighbours fridge right out of their basement - door came off, and before long a full fridge was sitting in the garage - another good laugh and problem solved...As more family started to arrive, more adventures were in the making - by late Thursday night - we were ready for sleep - but Mario Kart racers would hear nothing of it...woohoo
Excitement mounted in proportion to exhaustion as the climb intensified...Friday was here - and the sun was shining! Boys were going kayaking and we were going to set up the yard, the roasts, the flower arrangements and anything else that needed setting up! Ice - check, beer and wine - check, tables, chairs, dishes...still waiting....No stress...the bride and groom were relaxing down the street at my in-law's home...we had made up enough food trays to hold them all up over there for a month...and last guest, sister Janet's flight from Regina was delayed...oh the climb!
By 3:00 the truck had arrived and unloaded all the tables, chairs and rental supplies. The party was scheduled to start at 6:00...Loads of time! All hands were on deck to set up tables - but how many men would it take to get the table clothes to stay on the tables and not blow around? FOUR with giant staple guns! They went to town on the cloths - ingeniously stapling fabric to wood...this he-man moment was followed by the tying and staking of the roasts, several grunts and a few beers...ah the climb!
The dozens of roses, arranged among baby's breath in pretty pink water and tall vases were the biggest challenge. The wind would pick up and send them soaring across the linen - threatening to spit red food coloured water all over the 50 carefully rolled yellow napkins the girls had assembled for cutlery! We debated what to do with them...and finally added a few extra marbles and hoped for the best as we sat guests and advised them to look out for flying vases when the wind picked up...of course, I reminded myself to stop and smell the roses every once in a while.
Toasts, bits of marriage advise, music, dance and lots of wine followed. The food was great, music sweet and company even sweeter. The summit came with the cutting of the beautiful, custom designed wedding cake...everyone was full, dry and happy - life was good!
We partied and celebrated until daybreak...then, the bride and groom opened wedding gifts on the patio - in the mid-morning sun. My daughter caught the bouquet, we all saw them off - and as the airport shuttle pulled out of the driveway - we closed another chapter - checked another milestone off the calendar and reflected on the success of the event.
Today, from a 40-something vantage point - I can say for sure that my fondest memories all took shape behind the scenes - off the beaten path - as the sun was rising, or setting...in the bustling pre-party kitchen, or the laundry-room turned delivery room...in the aisles of Costco or in the Dollarama glasswear section. There is no question that the event was a huge success - but the journey was overflowing with goodness - not to be under rated by tired bones or a sleepy brain - because that's when you know the climb was really great!!!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Ahhh The Weekend
I LOVE the weekend! OK - I guess that's not a radical statement- we all love the weekend for the most part...but I REALLY find joy in the idea of Saturday - it's not just the day - but the mood of Saturday...It actually feels different - because there's time to feel; it smells different, because there's a chance to stop and smell - the wonderful fresh brewed coffee, the freshly cut grass, the bounce sheets in the dryer - and it takes on it's own attitude and pace.
Being the first one up on a Monday morning is no fun. It's dark and lonely. Being the first one up on a Saturday morning is magic! The house is quiet, the coffee tastes better, the birds sing louder and the idea of catching up is inviting instead of chaotic. That's probably because I'm catching up on all the stuff I love - reading news and blogs, being with friends and family...Saturday means shopping - and I love shopping...Saturday means watching at least one of my kids play at least one sport - and I love watching my kids in their sports...Saturday means we will either have friends or family over - or we will go out visiting - and I love socializing...(plus there's always wine on Saturday night visits).
In addition to catching up on the fun stuff, my favourite thing about the weekend is that time works for me instead of against me...There are no meeting reminders popping up on my screen, no harried phone calls to deal with or urgent decisions to be made - beyond what colour nail polish to paint my toe nails with - or what flavour wine goes best with rib eye! Who should sleep over? Who gets the car? Really important stuff!
Eventually Saturday DOES get busy - as soon as the rest of the family starts padding into the kitchen, breaking the silence, drowning out the birds and upsetting the calm. But the weekend flurry of activity is different from Monday chaos... It involves a similar level of focus and intensity to what's needed throughout the week...but channeled toward different priorities: cheering in the stands or on the sidelines, racing from arena to field to gym to mall... creative cooking, power shopping and precious moments of solitude. It's RE-creation instead of recreation...the pace is rejuvenating rather than exhausting.
There's nothing like watching your daughter play football in the noon day sun - or seeing your son speed down the ice to score a breakaway goal...Cheerleading, lacrosse, dinner club and power walks - all part of the reason why weekends rock...they are the gathering place for the memories, the milestones, the simple things that make all of the weekday craziness worth it!
Being the first one up on a Monday morning is no fun. It's dark and lonely. Being the first one up on a Saturday morning is magic! The house is quiet, the coffee tastes better, the birds sing louder and the idea of catching up is inviting instead of chaotic. That's probably because I'm catching up on all the stuff I love - reading news and blogs, being with friends and family...Saturday means shopping - and I love shopping...Saturday means watching at least one of my kids play at least one sport - and I love watching my kids in their sports...Saturday means we will either have friends or family over - or we will go out visiting - and I love socializing...(plus there's always wine on Saturday night visits).
In addition to catching up on the fun stuff, my favourite thing about the weekend is that time works for me instead of against me...There are no meeting reminders popping up on my screen, no harried phone calls to deal with or urgent decisions to be made - beyond what colour nail polish to paint my toe nails with - or what flavour wine goes best with rib eye! Who should sleep over? Who gets the car? Really important stuff!
Eventually Saturday DOES get busy - as soon as the rest of the family starts padding into the kitchen, breaking the silence, drowning out the birds and upsetting the calm. But the weekend flurry of activity is different from Monday chaos... It involves a similar level of focus and intensity to what's needed throughout the week...but channeled toward different priorities: cheering in the stands or on the sidelines, racing from arena to field to gym to mall... creative cooking, power shopping and precious moments of solitude. It's RE-creation instead of recreation...the pace is rejuvenating rather than exhausting.
There's nothing like watching your daughter play football in the noon day sun - or seeing your son speed down the ice to score a breakaway goal...Cheerleading, lacrosse, dinner club and power walks - all part of the reason why weekends rock...they are the gathering place for the memories, the milestones, the simple things that make all of the weekday craziness worth it!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
It's not Fair!!!
Three words get on my nerves like no others. "It's not fair"...I hear this whiny lament from both adults and kids. Typically, someone got something MORE than someone else - a better opportunity, a bigger privilege, a different reward!
Fair and equal are not the same! It's tough to accept but a real fact of life when you're raising more than one kid or managing more than one person. Does the complainer really want to be treated exactly the same as everybody else? I suppose that society pressures us to be sure everyone is treated the same... and political correctness screams out for equality - but everyone's not treated equally, because everyone is NOT the same! That's why some people get cut from teams. That's why there's only one first place trophy. We're not all equally capable, equally talented, equally "entitled" - so it's NOT FAIR to treat ALL people as though they are!
Sure, fundamental human rights issues have to be rooted in equality...and the whole gender thing carries some weight when it comes to the equality debate...back in the 80's I firmly believed men and women were equal...but I like to think I've evolved. Women are far superior at many things and men are better than us at a few too...equal? I guess for entitlements to pay and rights...but not with lifting bodies out of burning buildings...or...being maternal and intuitive...- it is what it is!
Equality in my family means equal access to the universals - we love equally, and support equally with all of the essentials (and then some), but I treat my kids differently - each one. Do they get equal privileges - nope...equal opportunities - not even...are they held to the same standard and given the same consequences? For the non-negotiables - yes... there are some rules of engagement that are one-size-fits all. Outside of that, each kid is his or her own person with unique talents and gifts - needs and responses to encouragement and punishment...What works with one is off side with the other...so why would I bother trying to treat them all the same? Simply to appear fair??? If I paint them all with the same brush I lose so much of their individualism that I start expecting them all to be the same...now that's NOT fair.
I hope my kids and the folks I work with every day understand that their uniqueness should never be compromised for the sake of "fair", because when fair takes over - true talents can get diluted in the sea of correctness...My kid who is really great at math understands that when HE gets a 75% in it - he will be given a harder time than his brother who gets a 60 in math. Why is THAT fair? Because their math aptitudes are NOT equal.
I hope that they all understand that the guy with the "C" on his hockey jersey earned it and gets more privileges - than the rookie...I hope they understand that treating everyone the same may mean losing sight of the individual talents, strengths and passions that can only be nurtured through differentiation. Giving everyone the same reward - so there are no "hurt" feeling" - making sure there are no "winners" to preserve the dignity of losers, giving everyone the same privileges (not rights - that's different) - all under the banner of fair, is - to me - the single most unfair thing a parent or a manager or an organization can do.
We fought for equality, secured equality and now we should evolve into a new era - where equality is "a given" and the uniqueness of every person, and between the genders, is what's celebrated and preserved...
Fair and equal are not the same! It's tough to accept but a real fact of life when you're raising more than one kid or managing more than one person. Does the complainer really want to be treated exactly the same as everybody else? I suppose that society pressures us to be sure everyone is treated the same... and political correctness screams out for equality - but everyone's not treated equally, because everyone is NOT the same! That's why some people get cut from teams. That's why there's only one first place trophy. We're not all equally capable, equally talented, equally "entitled" - so it's NOT FAIR to treat ALL people as though they are!
Sure, fundamental human rights issues have to be rooted in equality...and the whole gender thing carries some weight when it comes to the equality debate...back in the 80's I firmly believed men and women were equal...but I like to think I've evolved. Women are far superior at many things and men are better than us at a few too...equal? I guess for entitlements to pay and rights...but not with lifting bodies out of burning buildings...or...being maternal and intuitive...- it is what it is!
Equality in my family means equal access to the universals - we love equally, and support equally with all of the essentials (and then some), but I treat my kids differently - each one. Do they get equal privileges - nope...equal opportunities - not even...are they held to the same standard and given the same consequences? For the non-negotiables - yes... there are some rules of engagement that are one-size-fits all. Outside of that, each kid is his or her own person with unique talents and gifts - needs and responses to encouragement and punishment...What works with one is off side with the other...so why would I bother trying to treat them all the same? Simply to appear fair??? If I paint them all with the same brush I lose so much of their individualism that I start expecting them all to be the same...now that's NOT fair.
I hope my kids and the folks I work with every day understand that their uniqueness should never be compromised for the sake of "fair", because when fair takes over - true talents can get diluted in the sea of correctness...My kid who is really great at math understands that when HE gets a 75% in it - he will be given a harder time than his brother who gets a 60 in math. Why is THAT fair? Because their math aptitudes are NOT equal.
I hope that they all understand that the guy with the "C" on his hockey jersey earned it and gets more privileges - than the rookie...I hope they understand that treating everyone the same may mean losing sight of the individual talents, strengths and passions that can only be nurtured through differentiation. Giving everyone the same reward - so there are no "hurt" feeling" - making sure there are no "winners" to preserve the dignity of losers, giving everyone the same privileges (not rights - that's different) - all under the banner of fair, is - to me - the single most unfair thing a parent or a manager or an organization can do.
We fought for equality, secured equality and now we should evolve into a new era - where equality is "a given" and the uniqueness of every person, and between the genders, is what's celebrated and preserved...
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