The Perfect Dance

It has been years since I have hung out in this space. Not 2 or 3 years - but almost a decade of delinquency. Enough time for change to take hold and transform the "normal" life I once lived to a new normal on so many levels! Globally,our world order has changed. Isis was a comic book character last time I was here. The once-little Millennials are coming of age and informing our social consciousness, but, on November 8th, 2016 their idealism couldn't transcend American anger, and as a result, Donald Trump is President-elect, challenging the norms of "correctness" world wide. This strange, new political landscape isn't all that has changed since my last visit to this virtual journal. My kids - they've grown up! The lovely, organized chaos of my hockey and soccer mom life has given way to the gratifying awareness that Mark and I have raised good people. My college and university-educated men and woman are successful, loving, decent humans, with strong family ties and unshakable values. I live in the same house with the same spouse and same circle of dear friends as I always have - but when I look back at the 25 blog posts I conceived so many years ago, everything else about my life today feels so different. Mark's accident and journey to wellness no longer define our limitations or our hopes. Mark has recovered and has found a balance of life and work. Sometimes we topple over, but most times we are ok. I am no longer focused on keeping ten balls in the air, driven by the magic of optimism and the terror of failure. As forty-something gave way to 52, a slow transformation took place that, as I look back in my entries, feels even bigger than all of the global changes combined. Surprisingly, I don't recall a single epiphany that led to change. On reflection, there were many small moments and tiny realizations that gave me reason to pause, connect some dots and make minor adjustments. The subtlety of my personal "evolution" makes it impossible to pinpoint specific new behaviours or perspectives. It is only when I look back over long periods of time that I notice how dramatically different my attitude is today. I believe I've learned a new dance, and am compelled to share some of the moves. I have learned that optimism doesn't mean "pollyanna perfect". I have learned that imperfection can be charming and can open the door to doing and being so much more. I have learned that my once unshakable shell is less a sign of strength than are vulnerability and inquisitiveness. None of these lessons came overnight. They landed in layers and slowly took hold. When I was managing a hockey team, soccer team, seven schedules, a career that required extensive travel and a husband who was recovering from a traumatic brain injury, my dance was strained because I wanted to portray the perfect story: when the doorbell rings, we must have a spotless home and fresh baked cookies. My marriage is like a romantic fairytale. It's not ok to make mistakes in the parenting department. Asking for help is a sign of weakness. Smile, push, dance! Time and circumstance brought new people and moments into my life. People who already lived by the lessons I had yet to learn. Situations that didn't allow the opportunity to fake perfect. With this rich combination came the inevitable realization that people who matter don't care as much about how things "seem" as how things really "are" - and so the new choreography began and I learned that my natural optimism - my cup being half full, isn't the same as a rosy picture filled with rainbows and unicorns. Learning that I can be human and "messy" without having to compromise my positive outlook gave me permission to acknowledge less-than- positive experiences in my life, and opened the door to a new repertoire of moves. Today,I live in a world where the dance between optimism and realism doesn't require painfully straddling two hemispheres. I can be an optimist without compromising what is real and true - and without feeling that the "imperfect" has to hide behind a sunny disposition. Today, I spend more time laughing at my faults, expressing my fears and celebrating lessons learned from screw ups. Friendships are more authentic as we pull back the curtain and share more of what's inside. Little did I know, that as all of these lessons slowly seeped in, the universe was actually preparing me to handle the most significant of all battles - Cancer. How could a successful career woman, mother of five, wife, friend, daughter possibly hold it together in her "perfect" world while coping with this awful disease, unless she learned some new moves? This diagnosis forced the ultimate dance between being positive and being real. Needing help and needing to be strong. Protecting others from pain and being honest. I HATE pity, and HATE feeling vulnerable, but even worse - I HATE worrying my parents, husband and children. Today's self decided to speak the truth, feel the raw emotion, and then, find the rays of hope. That is my perfect dance! I learned the steps over the last few years and mastered the final performance the week my doctor said "it's cancer". It's fascinating how all of the small, seemingly inconsequential "learning moments" accumulate to become the most useful weapons in life's real challenges. There's no question that the people who found their way into my life over the last 8 years or so, and the subtle changes to relationships that already existed - each had a purpose. This year's "impossible" journey was made better because I had learned to trust, to lean on others, to be ok with NOT being ok. I let people see cracks in the foundation, and I even let them fix a few. Breast cancer reminded me of obvious stuff - like live life to the fullest, seize the day, hug your loved ones... But it ALSO shone a light on the more subtle messages I encountered every day. This experience taught me that there are messages woven through life's joys and challenges. Some are discreet and some blatant. Some dots take years to connect, but as I look at the work I've done, the people I've met, the attitudes I have adopted and the situations I have found myself in - I realize that they've each contributed in some meaningful way to my surviving the mental strains of the last few weeks. Even the seemingly insignificant moments DO matter. The most profound teachings came from the most innocuous circumstances! The same subtle lessons have helped me in my search for "purpose". When I was faced with my own mortality, I suddenly felt very small, and my need to find a bigger "purpose" grew urgent. As was the pattern of my life, I expected the "perfect answer" - a neat and tidy "calling". Now, I am reminded that purpose doesn't need to be earth shattering, nobel prize winning stuff. Simply making a difference and contributing to the fabric of somebody's story in a way that they can draw strength from later on is purpose enough. Today, I want to be a subtle presence in lives that I cherish, and to be one of the "dots" they connect as their stories unfold. No need for them to see, with perfect clarity - where I "fit" right away, just that I was there...with a story that will someday add a tiny bit more richness, wisdom or love when they need it most. Just as all of the people I look back on today played a significant role in crafting my "dance", I can only hope to add a step or two in someone's choreography - and that our final rendition of the "perfect dance" overflows with crazy, imperfect, acceptance and love.