Talking Tradition!

I love tradition! I think there's a profound power connected to anything that links us to our roots. Maybe it's a family ritual dating back a few generations, maybe it's a relatively new activity that our own family started. Perhaps its an ornament, a song, a favourite food that's shared once a year to celebrate a special occasion...whatever it is, I appreciate it! The appeal of creating or sustaining traditions comes from my passion for preserving fond memories. I want my kids to reminisce about their happiest moments as they carry forward a few of our finest traditions; I hope they experience the comfort of familiar smells, tastes, sights or sounds no matter where their lives take them... That's the coolest thing about valuing and honouring family traditions, no matter how much change happens in our lives, we can always find "home base" in our hearts and souls.

In this "Holiday Afterglow", when many of our favourite rituals are fresh in my mind - I love assembling pictures and writing little pieces...to transport me back to the "best of" - from all the seasons - sleigh rides with the kids, family hockey games on the frozen ponds and rinks, huge holiday gatherings and quiet winter nights watching Sens by the fire. Summer trips to the beach and backyard BBQs. Dinner clubs, book clubs and grad trips! New Years Eve - in front of the TV for the countdown and the Times Square ball drop - ringing it in with great friends and family...and Dick Clark's rockin New Years Eve party.

I've become quite obsessive about capturing those things that we like to repeat year after year. I believe that opening a window into our past is a way of extending hope that future years and future generations will "carry the torch" and keep up a few of the great traditions that link them all back to this moment in time.

I think my passion for tradition explains my fondness for the Christmas season. Opening up my boxes of ornaments is like stepping into a time machine. I'm instantly reminiscing about where we were or what was going on when we received each piece.

So, in the spirit of keeping traditions alive, I thought it might be wise for me to wrap up this blog with my top 20 list: Here are the top 20 traditions I hope my children carry forward to future generations - in no particular order:

1)Always take a picture of your kids on the first day of school - from JK until they graduate high school! Then order those "lame" posed ones from picture day too - you'll be happy you did.
2) Always leave the FULL stockings at the foot of the bed and NEVER get caught!
3) The JOY ornament goes at the top of the tree - just below the angel with Zach's face glued to her!
4) ALWAYS blow up and hang the birthday balloons the NIGHT BEFORE the birthday, and after the birthday kid is asleep. (Note, this ritual ends on their 30th birthday or when they leave your house - whichever comes first - I 'm rooting for the second option but ya never know)!
5)Take the family to the Pumpkin patch at halloween, and let them be spooked. Bring home at LEAST two carved jack o lanterns for your front walk!
6) Tortiere and Ragout on Christmas Eve - a reveillion tradition - with grandparents and Bampy's Christmas CD - so be sure you have one.
7) Pop Champagne to celebrate everything! Life's short - so celebrate every milestone: Anniversaries, Births, Holidays, Small victories of every sort...and on New Years Eve - pop the cork at the stroke of midnight - out the door and over the fence!
8) Take Polar Bear walks at the first snow fall. Run around the yard then upstairs into a tub of hot water!
9) Get Heart Shaped boxes of candy for everyone to have on Valentine's day morning, with cinnamon hearts sprinkled everywhere.
10) Track Santa - by phone, by computer, on TV - keep an eye on him Christmas Eve!
11) Use Plastic, colour coded Easter Eggs filled with little foil chocolate ones - and be sure to include a MOST elaborate treasure hunt!
12) Family vacations should involve waking up crazy early - and being on the road, in the dark, while the rest of the world sleeps. There's something extra special about those cold, dark mornings!
13) Sports events are events! Grey Cup and Superbowl Sundays merit Chili and Wings EVERY TIME...and the Olympics are an invitation to dine in front of the TV, set the alarm for 3:00 am to see an event live, AND host gatherings in the spirit of the games.
14) Prom IS a big deal! Limos, fancy dresses, corsages, pre-parties, garden parties, after parties and cottage parties - all GOOD!
15) Cousins should be best friends! Spend special times with extended family: Count down to the new year together, celebrate birthdays and weddings together...those are the folks that really matter!
16) Make movies of your holidays! Whatever technology there is - use it to capture your adventures.
17) Order Chinese Food when you decorate your tree - your REAL tree...
18) Mother's day and Father's day are more than hallmark card days - celebrate with precious time together - The Keg tradition worked for years!
19) Enjoy the Team Road Trips! Fun traditions of getting ready and being on the road with a sports team WILL surface and it's great to be a part of it - Cheer, Hockey, Soccer - We had some great journeys...Never think there's not enough time to go...there's not enough time to justify missing these!
20) Embrace the neighbourhood! Surround yourself with great people in your community and make up goofy "clubs" - Book Club, Dinner Club - genuinely enjoy each other's company...share outings (plays, comedy clubs, shopping adventures), go to the "ODR" (Outdoor Rink)...watch hockey (share season tickets for an NHL team - or watch your own kids play - I recommend both ), serve lunch at your kid's school, cook for folks in need...raise money, spend money, vacation together...Friends matter! Lay down roots and blend old friends with new with a traditional
once-a-year gathering that let's everyone know you appreciate them!

For each one of my top 20 "traditions" there's a host of favourite things connected to it (like going to DQ AFTER watching the soccer game; or having a "theme" for each dinner club that involves decorating the table and buying REALLY cool ingredients)...and my hope is that everyone in my family links their favourite things to a few of these traditions too!
Either way, it was a fun stroll down memory lane!

H1N1 is the real deal!

If we come out of this month unscathed, then we have immunity to swine, bird, and any alpha illness going. 10 short days ago, Mark and I ventured into hundreds of germ incubators between here and Toronto! The Ottawa airport was our launching point - where it became apparent that we weren't the only airborne passengers. Sneezing, wheezing people of all ages were generously spraying their infectious spores, while we stood, shoulder to shoulder in the terminal. It's great that we educate folks to cough into their sleeves, but not so appealing when they are rubbing those mucous-filled sleeves against my new winter coat! The boarding area was a breeding ground for viruses - as hundreds shared a few square feet of breathing room. And if it's not enough to have your breakfast bagel coughed into by the Timmy's guy, then how about herding into a vacuum-sealed tube, with the only air in circulation feeling and smelling as though it had been exhaled a hundred times over.

Fast forward to Toronto's Pearson, and miles of rubber handrails harvesting the viral flavor of the week as millions slide their hands across the surface. Public health was never a huge concern of mine - coming from a fairly uneventful childhood and not having lived through any real pandemics, I was quite shocked to find myself wanting to lysol the rental car steering wheel (yes lysol has become a verb in my vocabulary), and bury the comforter from the hotel room deep in the closet! Everywhere I turned, I recognized the germ potential - from the highly suspicious airport washrooms to the supposedly-sterile medical building - our ultimate destination.

I've never viewed the world through this lens - I tend to prefer rose colored glasses, not lab goggles! Yet, when credible nursing friends discuss how ICU units are overflowing with H1N1 patients, and when the majority of victims are healthy, active young folks - (ok - a little bit out of my risk category)I get a little edgy and infinitely more aware.

No one in my home has been vaccinated yet. Typically, we would decide against the vaccine and slam the media for all of the hype. After all, the big news agencies dictate what issues merit public attention. Which war story deserves our grief, what politician needs to be scorned and, whether we should be noticing how many folks are sick or dying from this season's flu strain. Typically, I would chalk up the H1N1 "press" as sensationalism. People die every year from influenza...But, the reality is - an unprecedented number of young people really are battling this bug right across the nation - and many of the strong, healthy ones are losing the fight. So, if the clinics re-open, my gang will be high tailing it down there! If they don't re-open, or of we can't get immunized, we can hope that the exposure of the past 10 days has forced our bodies to build up their own immunities...But I will still want my young, healthy hockey playing boys and crazy tumbling girl, who spend their lives in gyms and arenas to be the among first ones in line! Call me crazy, call me paranoid - or just call me mom - but I've been noticing that, as beautiful as this world can be...it's a petri dish for infection...and I don't think the spotlight on this year's pandemic is pure media hype. While everything about H1N1 makes up the perfect profile for front page news, it's not interests in Purel sales driving the focus. This is the real deal - PURE, simple, and a little scary!

Thinking Pink

If we were to take all of the adjectives that describe breast cancer survivors and blend them into a colour - there's no question it would be pink! Soft, yet strong. Passionate and Formidable. Courageous, yet delicate...anything but neutral. Red tempered by the purity of white - how appropriate that it spans the emotional spectrum from rage to love - tempered by innocence and hopefulness.

I've not been touched directly by breast cancer, but know many brave women who have. Each day, I speak to one or more of them - not about their journey, their illness, their struggle - but about the day to day joys and challenges of simply being here and doing what we all do: from raising kids to balancing a budget - from managing a career to managing a marriage. Seeing how "normalized" their lives are - and knowing on a deeper level what they have overcome to get to this state of normal is awe inspiring to me. That's why, during this month of breast cancer awareness, I'm all about the pink! Recognizing the need to do something - big or small - to make a difference in the lives of the victims, the patients, the families and the survivors is a little goal of mine - and I am surrounding myself with pink-ness to keep this goal at the forefront!

Supporting the cause financially is terrific, but I also believe that creating an emotional connection is also important. Showing that you give a damn by wearing the colours, the ribbon symbolizing awareness and hope, walking the walks and buying the pink stuff whenever possible...I just think that - if it were me - I would value the acknowledgment of the movement instead of any pity...and from all of the survivors I know - they sure aren't looking for pity - in fact - they are among the strongest and toughest people I've ever met...What they're after is what we're all after at the end of the day - a long and healthy life, surrounded by the people they love and filled with joy, adventure, some unpredictable fun - and a little red wine! No pity party on their watch!

I can't even attempt to get inside the head of someone who has experienced cancer of any kind - or profess to understand what the battle was like. All I can do is try to raise awareness, raise a bit of money for research and be there...not that I have anything profound to say...but I am a hell of a shopper, I can eat chocolate with the best of them - and can sip red wine on command - hey - that's what friends are for. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month - and a great time to don some pretty pink things, sign up for an event, or buy some of the really cute cookware that seems to be in every kitchen shop out there.

We are surrounded by great stuff - and the abundance we enjoy every single day should have some meaning connected to it - a ritual, a fond memory, maybe a little bit of hopefulness. So next shopping outing that involves a little decorative something...or one of my obsessive kitchen purchases, I will be sure that the piece supports the cause Think Pink!
That reminds me - if you haven't looked at Sarah ban Breathnach's book Simple Abundance - or her website...http://www.simpleabundance.com/homepub.html, then it's worth a quick visit one day...A lot of her ideas are simplistic - but there are a few treasures that I find myself re-reading several times - especially after thinking about a topic like breast cancer.

Tomorrow is "Wear Pink Thursday" at work...My team championed that idea over a year ago - and it stuck...so I thought that tonight's blog - as I sit by my crackling fire enjoying the peacefulness of a mid-week evening, I'd like to write about the little pink movement, because every tiny bit matters!

Thanksgiving...giving thanks

When a brisk and bright autumn afternoon blends with the comforting warmth and welcoming smell of Thanksgiving dinner in the oven, you know it's gonna be a good day!
What is truly better than crisp air, crackling leaves and a 26 pound Turkey with all of the fixings?
How about having the family and friends around to enjoy it?
I am a huge fan of Thanksgiving for a whole bunch of reasons. It happens during my absolute favourite season, it involves food - buying it, cooking it, and eating it in abundance - all of which I quite enjoy - and the day typically involves a nicely decorated table (wait - LOVE that), visitors (REALLY LOVE THAT), celebration and sports...playing, watching - whatever!
The bottom line is - the sum of almost everything I enjoy - except traveling and writing - seems to be neatly packaged into one long weekend in October - I even love the long weekend part! AND this year, as an added bonus, the celebration includes my son's 19th birthday - so how can it possibly get any better? Well here's the thing...there's a nasty four letter word lurking in the shadows, ready to rain on my brisk and bright autumn day...It stands for discipline in eating turkey...or DIET!
So how can I possibly reconcile the fragrant smell of my stuffing (trust me, my stuffing rocks!), the smoothness of my home made gravy (yeah - it's smooth), the sweetest sweet potatoes, and of course the 26 pound king of the feast - with my perpetual images of being on a cruise ship trying to cover up the aftermath of too much pumpkin pie! Thanksgiving will be the toughest challenge yet, on my journey to cruise-readiness.
I just landed from a business trip - and the restaurant thing was tough enough - but it doesn't even come close to the temptation that will consume every inch of my kitchen in a very short time!
From Monday to Friday last week, I said no to the bread, no to the gravy, asked for dressing on the side and went to the hotel gym at an ungodly hour to get treadmill time. I guess the sacrifice was easily worth the benefit in this case. But when it comes to Thanksgiving, we're taking the willpower game to a whole new level...this is now the superbowl of sacrifices and I don't know if I'm up for the challenge...For years, my turkey day has been wrapped in tradition - and every tradition has a calorie count connected to it! I traditionally peel 10 pounds of potatoes, create a sweet potato casserole (yes it's a CREATION), chop everything for stuffing and make a home made cranberry sauce the night before . This tradition may not sound "fattening" at first, but do you know how many glasses of wine are involved in this kind of prep? The next morning, we baste, stuff, baste some more, and assemble all of the fresh veggies and appetizers - yes - it's morning - so no wine, but a little taste testing goes on...Then the celebration - the dinner, the toasts to all that we are thankful for - the pies and the aperatifs...that's where we go into overtime in the sacrifice department! What to do...

As I mull the situation over and strategize a game plan, I start by asking what the biggest sacrifice of all would be...and the answer truly isn't "not eating turkey and stuffing".
I believe - on deeper reflection - that true sacrifice on Thanksgiving would be not having people around to share the turkey and stuffing. Not having Mark and my kids, parents and rest of our family and friends that make their way to our Thanksgiving table tell me how much THEY enjoy the meal...A bigger sacrifice would be that we don't have laughter at the dinner table, or that we have nothing to say when toasting all that we are thankful for...the sacrifice would be giving up the opportunity to share the abundance and be thankful for the abundance - not eat in abundance. So...next Monday - as I lay out my table, prepare the food and take a walk to the park to throw a football or hear the leaves crackle underfoot - I will cherish those things I'm truly thankful for - and the Discipline in Eating Turkey won't seem so tough at all!

Head and Heart

Have you ever paid attention to the "inner workings" of a great team? There's always a core group of players who have a mastery over the game. They execute every move with technical perfection, they "get" the strategy, they read their opponents, and they consistently finish the job with predictable precision. They have the smarts and the muscle memory - and I call them the "head" players.

Then, there are those high energy wild cards, who go out there in an almost-reckless abandon - determined to use their grit, instinct and sheer determination to either win big or mess up bigger. These are the players who throw that hail Mary pass as the whistle blows - or score that overtime goal because they took a risk and tried something a little different. They are not the consistent, strategic, by-the-book players - they are the ones that are willing to lay it all on the line to follow their gut instinct. I call them the "heart" players.

I believe that every successful team - in sports, in business AND in marriage needs both head and heart players. No question - our home team has it's share of both... I am that heart player and Mark would be the consistent, reliable, strategic, methodical and deliberate head player. He reads every situation, maps out a game plan - and usually scores! I, on the other hand, rely heavily on passion and instinct - making decisions based on what feels right - living in the moment with more "Hail Mary" passes on record than I care to remember! Success is sweet, and the incomplete pass is...expected.

We recently made a few big decisions, that brought our "playing styles" to light in a big way... Good friends invited us on a cruise. 24 hours after we talked about it, we booked it...well, "we" being our friends and I. Mark would have preferred researching, comparing, studying and waiting for all stars to align. He likes time to strategize, analyze and internalize... while I just FINALIZE! The "head player" wants everything to make sense - while the "heart player" says, "who cares whether it's the very best option...it will be the funnest option because our friends will be there, and we have lots of reasons to celebrate!" My instinct says - this will be GOOD..."Hail Mary Pass" at its finest!

We recently bought a car...and all I can say is - thank goodness the head player dominated that field! Mark followed the car-buying playbook to a "t" and executed. I was thrilled with the results - especially because we ended up with the same car I had picked out in June...A few weeks before the car and the cruise decisions, our son decided to take a semester away from university study to pursue his banking interests and finish some on-line courses. I was entirely supportive, knowing in my heart that we had given him the foundation to make smart choices and knowing that - as in any recognized and respected co-op program, taking a few months away from classroom theory to put skills into practice is a good thing...Enter - "head player", firing up the debate over how things are supposed to be! Once upon a time, the playbook clearly said that after high school, you go to university, then get a job. That's the proper order and the right way...My alternative point of view was the equivalent of that annoying player digging in the corner, hoping to turn sheer determination into a goal on the scoreboard...I have no idea if I earned a point on this one - but what I DO know is that our son heard both voices on a level playing field and understands how important his decisions are to us...that's gotta be a win on some level.

I'm glad that our kids are being raised on a well balanced team. I'm glad Mark's sense is tempered by my sensibility and that my occasional "jump right in" tendency is offset my Mark's impeccable planning. I'm glad that our team can have a pretty solid play book, that allows for a bit of creativity, flexibility and the occasional crazy pass when we should have punted! I'm especially glad when Mark doesn't call me out when I'm offside or when I fumble - because, between the misses, this team executes some spectacular plays.

Time will tell whether our most recent decisions will bring home a win...but either way, the experience will help take our game to the next level!

The Up's and Down's of Middle Age!

I recently turned 45. Maybe it was the high altitude and thin mountain air that caused me to celebrate that milestone with euphoric bliss. Surrounded by family and by the Three Sisters Peaks, I blew out my candles and graciously embraced "middle age"...Actually, it may even be pushing the envelope to assume that 45 is the half way point, but I'm an optimist by nature.

Soon after my Banff Birthday, I came home and fell back into the daily routine of work, school and sundry "stuff" - HOLY CRAP - I'M 45! This is no longer as quaint and charming as it was in my Rocky Mountain zen-like state. Someone or something made off with a whole decade - I swear I was just 29! After all, 45 is the age where "hot" isn't used in reference to me, but instead - what happens to me as I spontaneously break out in an uncontrollable sweat. 45 is when the "mid-life crisis" translates into a hot little sports car - and that's not the only thing that goes from 0 to 150 in seconds - try the bathroom scale! 45 is when you can legitimately say to your kids "I have socks older than you." 45 is when you have to stop referring to the extra 25 and a half pounds as "baby baggage" - my baby is 13 today - it's lack -of-gym-itis!!!

The other day at work someone even referred to the "R" word - that NEVER happens! I was asked how long until I retire - COME ON NOW!!! 45 is a pivotal age. Sandwiched between growing yet needy teens and aging, yet highly independent and healthy parents. Managing a mind that says "yes you can", and a body that says "don't you DARE". Thinking you're way too young for some stuff - like, let's say a vacation in St. Pete's...but way too old for other stuff - like skinny jeans, bikinis, backpacking through Europe, and a few downtown clubs where everyone looks like they're out way past curfew. It's an age of discovery but with fewer joyful discoveries..."I can't stay up that late and function the next morning" is one example.

Recently, I've been making a few discoveries and decisions that are definitely age related...things that never would have occurred to me a few years ago...or even a few short months ago! I'm holding things at arm's length to read them, and increasing the font on my computer...I even use that magnifying thingy at the pharmacy to read the labels! I've started spending a dollar for every year of my life on a jar of moisturizer - Noxema doesn't cut it anymore...I've found creative ways to craft a scarf around my neck when the wrinkles seem noticeable, and I pick up a box of haircolour at each drugstore visit (just in case the pesky roots grow out ahead of schedule).

Then there's the cool stuff that comes with being "middle aged"...All of those successful "suits" that used to intimidate the hell out of you 15 years ago are retired and replaced by young, hip, creative geniuses who report to you - and make you feel kind of young, hip and creative - or at least refreshed by their enthusiasm and boundless energy. You can speak from the heart - and genuinely express your opinion without reservation...because your opinion carries with it a little bit of experience! At 45, I can take a road trip without toting diaper bags, bottles, car seat, high chair, pack and play, and 20 changes of clothes "in case"...I can plan a spontaneous "date" for two without a week's worth of orchestration.

As a woman of 45, living in these post-feminist times, I suppose acceptance rather than shock, followed by terror - would be the "mature woman" approach to aging gracefully. Women today have a much longer life expectancy and are much more vital in their twilight years. 45 is the new 35! Aging graciously has never been a desire of mine, but these "times" embrace and revere the mature women, so why not jump on the bandwagon and grab some R-E-S-P-E-C-T ( I'm defining "mature" loosely as those of us who buy the "mature woman" vitamins and skin cream).

These "times" are flexible, lenient and forgiving (like my new jeans)- Today, society embraces the single mom, the professional career woman, the cougar, the blended family and every configuration of parental units imaginable. The traditional pressures of being married by a certain age, starting a family, yada, yada...have dissolved into the pages of history - only to be revived by the "feministas" (feminist Divas) who have a bone to pick with any institution that supports traditional roles. I went through a touch of feminism fever - it passed like a bad flu bug, out of my system in plenty of time to be a stay at home mom for several years, raise some cool kids, grow a career and a strong marriage.

Maybe being 45 isn't as traumatic as all that! Maybe I should re-evaluate, and be grateful for all of the blessings and insights these 45 years have delivered. Maybe, I should focus on how old I feel rather than how many calendar years have passed! Some days - that would mean 107, but on others, in fact the majority of them, I feel at least 10 years younger on the inside...and as I ramp up the walking, get to the gym and keep on with the expensive "mature skin" face cream, there's just no telling what the future will hold.

You Just Can't Plan That...

The last few weeks were among my favourites of the year! They saw hours of planning and preparation that involved excessive shopping and loads of hype! Checking details on-line, making calls and visualizing every moment until an image of perfection formed in my mind. Sounds a little like my annual quest for the Norman Rockwell Christmas experience. But, it's August and I was dreaming of the ultimate family vacation!!! As my family gets older, and the grown boys graciously bow out of summer holiday travel in favour of work, hockey and girlfriends - I treasure with even deeper gratitude, the fragility of secluded family time. Carving out a mere 10 days from the 365 seems easy in the grand scheme of things, but in our reality, earmarking 10 days for fun and frolic is pushing the envelope! That's why, when I steal precious time away from the busy lives we've each designed here in Orleans, moments DO take on that magical flavour of Christmastime - when the world seems to stop because we've decided to call a "time out" and enjoy each other.

When I sit back and look over all of the "magical" journeys this family has taken, whether it's Christmas morning, March break or summer vacation, there is one element of consistency among them: Stress-filled anticipation, combined with planning each detail to the most granular level! I would picture the Martha Stewart holiday gathering (I own every one of her holiday books), the traditional Christmas morning and a vacation lifted right out of the pages in my glossy travel brochures. I'd spend hours working through checklists, making up itineraries, writing lists and more lists...sparing no detail. But the funniest, MOST consistent and reliable attribute of every single holiday is that, no matter how well planned it was, the fondest and most cherished memories were created through moments that simply can't be planned.

I'm talking about ringing Sydney Crosby's doorbell in Dartmouth, Tyler winning a ping pong tournament in Dominican, and being crowned "king Arthur" of the resort, and having cousins turn up unexpectedly in Orlando to ride the Hulk with us!. The spontaneous laughs, the laid back attitudes, the extra time to play a game of cards or eye spy...Meeting new people and getting re-connected with old friends and dear family - those are the unscripted pieces of a great vacation. I'm happy to say that this year's trip boasted its own unscripted moments!

As expected, I wrote lists, made copies of my itineraries, double checked my bookings, packed extra of everything - and set out for another "perfect" experience. I anticipated 10 days of natural beauty in the mountains and precious family time in the prairies. What I didn't expect was the power of the Rockies! Breathtaking majesty that captures the spirit and affects an inner sense of relaxation that no spa in the universe can replicate! I also couldn't have planned all of the fun we had with Tyler, Cameron and Samantha as they discovered the wildlife, the glacial lakes, the hot springs and the mountain village of Banff.

Conversations seemed richer, games we played, music we shared and even the night time silence seemed sacred. Every minute was cherished with genuine enjoyment - and what I loved most was that we didn't have to rely on amusement rides or commercial interventions to dictate our "fun quotient"! Hikes, drives and downtown strolls gave us plenty of thrills with the pure and unexpected magnificence of our surroundings. We'd pop into Starbucks for an afternoon frappacino and talk about everything from outer space to ice fields! Time seemed to stand still...but only temporarily! Five days after checking in to our mountain paradise, we were off to phase two of the journey:A family wedding in Saskatchewan. We were rested, revitalized, even manicured!

Again - every detail was planned for this leg of the trip: Wedding gifts, shoes, suits, ties and dresses - all wrapped in dry cleaner plastic and stowed in a special "wedding suitcase" that was treated like the holy grail. We left the Calgary foothills and landed in the middle of a scene from Corner Gas! This Saskatchewan setting cried out for the making of memories. It was the Hallmark of both "unexpected" and extreme - a natural launching point for new holiday experiences - none more important than a celebration of marriage. The first of 27 grandchildren walked down the aisle - and you don't often get a chance to plan a vacation around such a monumental event, especially not in the heartland of the prairies.

As with anything in nature, subtle characteristics are amplified when superimposed against a contrasting backdrop. The landscape seemed even flatter when experienced immediately after a complete Rocky Mountain immersion! Twenty one people under one roof seemed like a large crowd in contrast to our little cocoon of five. The big prairie sky was bigger and the endless grain fields seemed eerily ominous as they stretched, uninterrupted, to the horizon. Both landscape and lifestyle were dramatically different from anything we knew, yet we still managed to uncover a few universals and breed some familiarity through music and dance moves, tumbling and long walks, cold beer and a good game of pool; water skiing and BBQs!

This trip was a journey through the country, the mind and the spirit. It was an education not only about glaciers and grain elevators, but about priorities and family values. It was a reminder that despite dramatically different surroundings, vastly different lifestyles, tastes and opinions - family bonds always lead us to a common ground; a higher ground! When you are part of a huge family - that's probably one of the greatest unplanned takeaways you could hope for. Each one of my kids found their own way to uncover common interests with their cousins, and in a very short time they grew lifelong relationships based on similarities. Differences, though dramatic, became inconsequential. Whether on the dance floor, in a game of Risk, in the swimming pool, or at the lake, common interests were punctuated...Some even found common ground at the wedding itself through familiar hymns and prayers they hear at school.

I could write for days about my "spotty" faith, parenting philosophy and attitude about kids in sports or creatures in nature but, whats infinitely more important is the way families from different places and perspectives can spend beautiful time together by focusing on some fundamentals we all can share: a desire for fun, laughter, good company and a need to feel valued. It was so refreshing to see such a diverse group of cousins figure out ways they could enjoy each other - and they came up with an endless supply of ideas: Mud wrestling in a puddle on a country road, playing extreme hide and seek, football and stargazing under the awesome night sky - their camp out in a trailer, campfire in the pit and every other backyard adventure met that fundamental human desire to play, laugh and be a valuable part of something!

So here's to spontaneous epiphanies in the prairies! Maybe it was my pre-wedding "mountain zen" experience that cleared out the cobwebs...all I know for sure is that 21 very different people from very different places spent many days together under one roof and we've been adding facebook friends ever since! In addition, we experienced a beautiful wedding, danced the night away in celebration and drove the Saskatoon streets trying to find our way back to the hotel when all was said and done (My GPS was sleepy). Once more, the fondest memories came from the most unexpected situations and you just can't plan for that.

On raising sons and daughters

The title of this installment implies some degree of authority on the matter of raising sons and daughters. Let me say something right up front...I got NOTHING!!! No research, no scientific evidence, no Dr. Phil psycho babble...just an opinion and a few dozen years of hanging out with other moms who, as luck and nature would have it...also have opinions on the difference between parenting boys and parenting girls...

So here it is...boys are "easier". And why is that??? Because they are not emotional...Say again!? They don't "do" drama...If they have a problem, they work it out in the school yard and then they get over it. Yep...that is the opinion of the majority - boys are tough when they're little - climbing your best pieces of furniture like trees, and putting reptiles in the laundry hamper...but then, according to popular belief, these same little demons start sprouting wings and the balance of terror shifts to the female , where raging hormones take the heat for every sigh, shrug, cheeky comment and classic eye-roll!

OK - this is where I stomp my feet and throw my hissy in that typical female way!!!! No, really - the myth of the unemotional boy who throws a few punches and gets back to business is a crock! Boys hold grudges, boys play mind games, boys' feelings get every bit as bruised as their bodies! I believe that pressure from all of these "tough guy" myths is the only thing that separates boys from emotional outbursts. And while boys' stoicism may seem easier to manage on the surface, I'm sure that all of the pent up frustration that comes from NOT having your feelings heard makes for some really challenging silence. "What's the matter?" "Nothing"..."Are you upset?" "No" "What are you thinking about?" "Nothing"? Oh yeah - THAT's easy to deal with!

Call me crazy, but I find the outpouring of emotion, the 911 crisis, and the unnecessary drama way easier - because at the end of the day, you've also got the closure that comes with laying it all out there!

So here's my opinion in the sea of non-experts...Boys want to be notorious for their "simplicity"...They pride themselves on not being "deep" or complicated. They brag about settling arguments by popping someone in the nose...But I know that their ego is susceptible to bruises - and that they don't want to blow their tough guy image by getting all emotional...Does that make them easier to parent? Call me crazy, but I find it much easier to deal with what I can see than what I can't...and when it comes to girls - there's a transparency that's refreshing. There are no hidden emotions, no giant egos suppressing "uncool" feelings or reactions...In fact, the opposite is true: With girls, NO feeling is left out of the mix...And not only are the girls' emotions exposed...but so are their opinions about everyone else's! While all of this turmoil and yes, drama, seems like a huge hassle, it's really quite predictable. I wouldn't be surprised if every girl mom has figured out a formula for going from tragedy to comedy in five easy steps...
But I've yet to hear the formula for pulling an ounce of insight out of "nothing and I dunno"!

I've been blessed with a 4 to 1 ratio of boys to girls...and, as luck would have it - that's what I just read was the level of challenge of raising teenage girls to teenage boys. They say raising 1 girl through puberty is as difficult as raising 4 boys...hmmm, I'll have to see about that - but so far, I'm not buying it!

It's The Climb!

I used to hear people say that the journey is more important than the destination and figured they ought to pick a more exciting destination! There was a time, not all that long ago, when I was all about the final goal...nose to the grindstone and get there! No stopping to smell any roses! My forty-something experience hosts a new attitude; maybe it's one of more patience . Or, more likely, my desire to enjoy the ride may simply be a matter of not having the drive to race to the finish line with as much vigor...Either way, the journey is looking pretty good. I'm starting to see the virtue in Miley's song: "It's the climb".

And climb we do! Our calendar is peppered with "milestones" ...there may be 4 or 5 of them a year...and between each of these "ultimate destinations" are 360 journey days. Life becomes richer when each step along the way is cherished with the same appreciation afforded the "main event". I've learned an important lesson in trekking through this life - take time to appreciate the incidentals that make each adventure real: it's all the little things that define the experience and that give credence and legitimacy to the celebration at the summit!

The events of the past week and the simple joys, laughs and challenges that paved the road to a beautiful wedding celebration in Barrie prove that the pleasure is in the journey and that the celebration is even sweeter when every moment is cherished along the way. The plan was for a simple wedding reception for my brother-in-law and his new bride; 20 or so people, in my mother-in-law's back yard...Wait, make that 30, no maybe 40 - oops, let's go with 50 - for a pig roast and luau - or, how about a traditional beef roast - wait - let's move it to my sister-in-law's yard...yeah - and we'll have it catered....or we can make all the food - but we'll need to rent tables...and chairs! Let's rent 4 rectangular - no - 5...make that 7 rounds! Let's get dishes, glasses, napkins and cutlery too - and up that order three times...Welcome to June - and - in mountaineering terms - base camp!

The party needed to be on a Friday - to accommodate the bride and groom's travel plans. So we would plan to get there Wednesday, and spend Thursday and Friday shopping, cooking and setting up. Sounds logical...and in normal circumstances it would be a simple "climb" - but simple isn't our style - so let's shake things up a little - throw in a graduation party (Wednesday night), Birth of puppies (4:00 am Thursday morning), a Lifesaving course that my nephew had to take all weekend long, coordinating the pick up of family from the airport as they started to trickle into town, and the threat of the LCBO going on strike!!! Now let's check the oxygen supply at 10,000 feet!

On pure adrenaline, we powered through the Wednesday night grad formalities and Samantha rekindled her close friendship with her cousin, leaving the grad party so they could spend time together at home. Then, as silence washed over the house (except for the din of Mario Kart engines racing in the family room) - Harley decided now would be a great time to give birth! On zero sleep, we were mid wives by night, delivering 4 puppies - and caterers by day - loading an unprecedented three baskets full of food at Costco - and buying everything needed for spectacular centerpieces...(except tethers to hold the damn vases down in the wind)...

Autopilot kicked in for this part of the journey...making cheese platters, veggie trays, salmon rolls, dips, salads of every kind, desserts...and as the tables, counters and every possible kitchen surface overflowed with wedding food, it became obvious that storage would be a huge issue...So, in keeping with the wedding tradition - to include something borrowed - we were on the phone borrowing a fridge! Mark and the boys literally trekked down the street and hoisted a neighbours fridge right out of their basement - door came off, and before long a full fridge was sitting in the garage - another good laugh and problem solved...As more family started to arrive, more adventures were in the making - by late Thursday night - we were ready for sleep - but Mario Kart racers would hear nothing of it...woohoo

Excitement mounted in proportion to exhaustion as the climb intensified...Friday was here - and the sun was shining! Boys were going kayaking and we were going to set up the yard, the roasts, the flower arrangements and anything else that needed setting up! Ice - check, beer and wine - check, tables, chairs, dishes...still waiting....No stress...the bride and groom were relaxing down the street at my in-law's home...we had made up enough food trays to hold them all up over there for a month...and last guest, sister Janet's flight from Regina was delayed...oh the climb!

By 3:00 the truck had arrived and unloaded all the tables, chairs and rental supplies. The party was scheduled to start at 6:00...Loads of time! All hands were on deck to set up tables - but how many men would it take to get the table clothes to stay on the tables and not blow around? FOUR with giant staple guns! They went to town on the cloths - ingeniously stapling fabric to wood...this he-man moment was followed by the tying and staking of the roasts, several grunts and a few beers...ah the climb!

The dozens of roses, arranged among baby's breath in pretty pink water and tall vases were the biggest challenge. The wind would pick up and send them soaring across the linen - threatening to spit red food coloured water all over the 50 carefully rolled yellow napkins the girls had assembled for cutlery! We debated what to do with them...and finally added a few extra marbles and hoped for the best as we sat guests and advised them to look out for flying vases when the wind picked up...of course, I reminded myself to stop and smell the roses every once in a while.

Toasts, bits of marriage advise, music, dance and lots of wine followed. The food was great, music sweet and company even sweeter. The summit came with the cutting of the beautiful, custom designed wedding cake...everyone was full, dry and happy - life was good!

We partied and celebrated until daybreak...then, the bride and groom opened wedding gifts on the patio - in the mid-morning sun. My daughter caught the bouquet, we all saw them off - and as the airport shuttle pulled out of the driveway - we closed another chapter - checked another milestone off the calendar and reflected on the success of the event.

Today, from a 40-something vantage point - I can say for sure that my fondest memories all took shape behind the scenes - off the beaten path - as the sun was rising, or setting...in the bustling pre-party kitchen, or the laundry-room turned delivery room...in the aisles of Costco or in the Dollarama glasswear section. There is no question that the event was a huge success - but the journey was overflowing with goodness - not to be under rated by tired bones or a sleepy brain - because that's when you know the climb was really great!!!

Ahhh The Weekend

I LOVE the weekend! OK - I guess that's not a radical statement- we all love the weekend for the most part...but I REALLY find joy in the idea of Saturday - it's not just the day - but the mood of Saturday...It actually feels different - because there's time to feel; it smells different, because there's a chance to stop and smell - the wonderful fresh brewed coffee, the freshly cut grass, the bounce sheets in the dryer - and it takes on it's own attitude and pace.

Being the first one up on a Monday morning is no fun. It's dark and lonely. Being the first one up on a Saturday morning is magic! The house is quiet, the coffee tastes better, the birds sing louder and the idea of catching up is inviting instead of chaotic. That's probably because I'm catching up on all the stuff I love - reading news and blogs, being with friends and family...Saturday means shopping - and I love shopping...Saturday means watching at least one of my kids play at least one sport - and I love watching my kids in their sports...Saturday means we will either have friends or family over - or we will go out visiting - and I love socializing...(plus there's always wine on Saturday night visits).

In addition to catching up on the fun stuff, my favourite thing about the weekend is that time works for me instead of against me...There are no meeting reminders popping up on my screen, no harried phone calls to deal with or urgent decisions to be made - beyond what colour nail polish to paint my toe nails with - or what flavour wine goes best with rib eye! Who should sleep over? Who gets the car? Really important stuff!

Eventually Saturday DOES get busy - as soon as the rest of the family starts padding into the kitchen, breaking the silence, drowning out the birds and upsetting the calm. But the weekend flurry of activity is different from Monday chaos... It involves a similar level of focus and intensity to what's needed throughout the week...but channeled toward different priorities: cheering in the stands or on the sidelines, racing from arena to field to gym to mall... creative cooking, power shopping and precious moments of solitude. It's RE-creation instead of recreation...the pace is rejuvenating rather than exhausting.

There's nothing like watching your daughter play football in the noon day sun - or seeing your son speed down the ice to score a breakaway goal...Cheerleading, lacrosse, dinner club and power walks - all part of the reason why weekends rock...they are the gathering place for the memories, the milestones, the simple things that make all of the weekday craziness worth it!

It's not Fair!!!

Three words get on my nerves like no others. "It's not fair"...I hear this whiny lament from both adults and kids. Typically, someone got something MORE than someone else - a better opportunity, a bigger privilege, a different reward!

Fair and equal are not the same! It's tough to accept but a real fact of life when you're raising more than one kid or managing more than one person. Does the complainer really want to be treated exactly the same as everybody else? I suppose that society pressures us to be sure everyone is treated the same... and political correctness screams out for equality - but everyone's not treated equally, because everyone is NOT the same! That's why some people get cut from teams. That's why there's only one first place trophy. We're not all equally capable, equally talented, equally "entitled" - so it's NOT FAIR to treat ALL people as though they are!

Sure, fundamental human rights issues have to be rooted in equality...and the whole gender thing carries some weight when it comes to the equality debate...back in the 80's I firmly believed men and women were equal...but I like to think I've evolved. Women are far superior at many things and men are better than us at a few too...equal? I guess for entitlements to pay and rights...but not with lifting bodies out of burning buildings...or...being maternal and intuitive...- it is what it is!

Equality in my family means equal access to the universals - we love equally, and support equally with all of the essentials (and then some), but I treat my kids differently - each one. Do they get equal privileges - nope...equal opportunities - not even...are they held to the same standard and given the same consequences? For the non-negotiables - yes... there are some rules of engagement that are one-size-fits all. Outside of that, each kid is his or her own person with unique talents and gifts - needs and responses to encouragement and punishment...What works with one is off side with the other...so why would I bother trying to treat them all the same? Simply to appear fair??? If I paint them all with the same brush I lose so much of their individualism that I start expecting them all to be the same...now that's NOT fair.


I hope my kids and the folks I work with every day understand that their uniqueness should never be compromised for the sake of "fair", because when fair takes over - true talents can get diluted in the sea of correctness...My kid who is really great at math understands that when HE gets a 75% in it - he will be given a harder time than his brother who gets a 60 in math. Why is THAT fair? Because their math aptitudes are NOT equal.

I hope that they all understand that the guy with the "C" on his hockey jersey earned it and gets more privileges - than the rookie...I hope they understand that treating everyone the same may mean losing sight of the individual talents, strengths and passions that can only be nurtured through differentiation. Giving everyone the same reward - so there are no "hurt" feeling" - making sure there are no "winners" to preserve the dignity of losers, giving everyone the same privileges (not rights - that's different) - all under the banner of fair, is - to me - the single most unfair thing a parent or a manager or an organization can do.

We fought for equality, secured equality and now we should evolve into a new era - where equality is "a given" and the uniqueness of every person, and between the genders, is what's celebrated and preserved...

Conversation Around the Dinner Table

We had friends over for dinner the other night and Michelle asked my husband Mark if he felt like a "changed person" after his near fatal accident...He answered in his logical "Mark" way...speaking of memory challenges and physical stuff - while I journeyed back to December 6th 2004 and the moment when the very definition of "change" changed for me...

It was a typical Monday. I saw all 5 kids off to school and settled in to my project: Building a "change management" workshop for a client in St. Louis that I was scheduled to see December 15th - how ironic was that? Mark had left for a training seminar in Toronto much earlier that morning...By mid day, I had transitioned from course development to party planning - as the date for our annual Christmas event was getting near...Because my travel plans were tight, I had every minute scheduled - and realized, if I was going to have a manicure this holiday season, it would have to be that afternoon...

I made the appointment to coincide with my casserole baking...5:00 PM - kids would be home and settled, with a jump on homework. There was no hockey or gymnastics that evening - shocking! It was clearly the only chance to polish up for the holiday season! The uneventful afternoon allowed for maximum productivity, and by the time the buses pulled up to the house, I was feeling quite accomplished. My kids and a few of their buddies poured into the kitchen right on cue. They snacked, started homework, and agreed to watch the Mac and Cheese casserole while I darted out to the nail salon. Things were smooth...Then I came home...

Zach said that he got a call from my husband's administrative assistant while I was out. I thought that was odd...after all, she knew where he was! She didn't leave a message with him...and, shortly after her call was a long distance ring that he didn't answer - he had always been taught to ignore strange numbers if parents are out...Nice move....yet all very unusual. I had an unsettled feeling in my gut even before I checked the message from that long distance caller. Instinct was right. It was the voice of a nurse - from a hospital just outside of Toronto...There had been an accident - I'd better call back! Unsettled turned to wanting to vomit!!!

The phone conversation was a blur - "Medically induced Coma", "Life Threatening Head Injury", "Collapsed Lung...", crap! If I wanted to see my husband again, I'd better make a move and get to Toronto within the next few hours. The one emergency room was in the process of transporting him to a more capable head injury unit in a downtown Toronto hospital - amidst the ice and snow - how would I ever make it there?

With the help of my teen aged boys, and at the suggestion of my sister-in-law who lives near Toronto, I booked a flight on-line. Mark's sister, brother-in-law , other brother and parents lived in the Toronto area and went to the hospital right away. I called on my family to take over my household and another one of Mark's sisters flew with me to Toronto...Thank God for family - they descended on the home and hospital with unbelievable determination and strength.

Joan and I took a 10:00 pm flight. We could have been flying to Australia - because that's how long it seemed to take...
And here's where real "change" started to happen - unknown to me at the time.

There was a profound shift in priorities! I used to spend flights planning. Allowing my thoughts to leap around - like a monkey swinging from tree to tree. But there was none of that. There was nothing but NOW! I didn't dare let myself think the unthinkable "what if", I didn't allow my mind to journey into tomorrow - or next week. For the whole flight, I focused on the "now"..."is he breathing RIGHT now?"...

Suddenly - projects due tomorrow, the trip to St. Louis, the Christmas planning were off the radar...My mind didn't wander towards dinner menus, hockey games or laundry...every ounce of my energy and focus was on being totally present.
And it wasn't even deliberate...There was simply no space left in my brain to process another single thought! It took everything to simply breathe and walk off the plane...And in being totally present, there was a weird and unfamiliar peacefulness. There wasn't the brain chatter that I was so used to - the "noise" of daily planning, anticipating, worrying and wondering that is like background "elevator music" playing in my head all day long. The magnitude of this event seemed to take up all of my mental resources so that all the other preoccupations turned off - leaving just the present - pure and simple - breathing, walking, navigating through an airport...

At the hospital, the "now" expanded to include a deep appreciation for all of the people helping and showing support. The people who surface as those who really matter in your life. But to think about tomorrow - and the daily functioning of a family, home and business was impossible! So I didn't...I surrendered to the present. Didn't care where the car was...what the bank folks thought when Mark hadn't shown up for his training meeting...what the hockey team would do sans manager at the upcoming tournament...didn't CARE...what a CHANGE!

Mark survived...and as we took baby steps back into the familiarities of daily life, the background noise started up again - and I began allowing myself to plan, worry, and anticipate again...but with a new-found gift...the ability to surrender to the present!

So...back to the original question: Did things change? What changed most profoundly for me was not my relationship with Mark, or my new business arrangements...the most dramatic change was in being able to see "context" in a new way. I always allowed clutter in my brain. Like static on a radio when the station isn't quite tuned in...It was like a dull chatter about things that aren't all that important...But after the accident, I experienced clarity - like I had finally tuned the radio to the actual channel - and got rid of the fuzziness...I got back home from Toronto and re-prioritized my life. The party didn't happen and the world was still turning. The hockey team went to the tourney and had their event without me - and they were fine...the gymnastics club went without a program for their Christmas meet - and every parent and athlete still found their way. CONTEXT to me means, prioritizing "stuff" based on the big picture...the people who will be impacted over the long haul.

So - getting a manicure by Christmas could have been considered important - in the context of daily life before...But, in the context of urgency and survival - it fell right off the radar...Doesn't mean I'll never have another manicure. It simply means that I prioritize on an entirely different plane - it's not up there with MRIs, EEGs and 42 staples in the skull...What kind of hors doeuvres to serve, what colour the programs should be, and do we have enough wine glasses - same deal....All important on some "superficial level", the only level I had ever really known...but in my new CONTEXT - I understood that these things are not deal breakers. I've hosted so many stress-free parties since...all lovely - and all focused on meaningful relationships way more than matching napkins...and I LOVE THAT!

So...I suppose I could say that my ah-ha moment was when I learned we humans are pretty remarkable. I learned that the human brain and it's layers of built in survival mechanisms reach far beyond the "fight or flight" reflex and include an extraordinary ability to shut down areas that "drain the battery", leaving on only those that are needed to function on a primal level...It's like the Blackberry as it runs down it's battery - it doesn't go from full functionality to dead...it slowly shuts down secondary applications, leaving you with basic phone service - and preserving the other applications for after it's recharged. I was running on "energy saver" mode for several days in the St. Michael's Hospital ICU unit - but my thoughts were unbelievably clear, and I was fully present. I didn't think about home, work, anything or even anyone outside of that room...and, despite the horror of the situation, it was liberating to focus on one sole goal, with no other distraction.

Now, when things seem overwhelming, I take myself back to that moment and try to find that peaceful presence - where all of the busy-ness in the brain goes still...it's a real change for me.

So - as I was sorting out these thoughts to share with Michelle, Mark - in his classic way explained what hadn't changed.... He's always felt gratitude. He's always given 100%, and he sees this setback, not as an invitation to finally discover the "joys" of life, smell the roses, or stop sweating the small stuff...he sees it as an affirmation that he was doing it right all along!

Our dinner chats aren't always this intense...most often we talk about shoes, recipes and Grey's Anatomy!!!!

Busting Tradition!

I've always been a fan of rituals...If that's even the right name for those moments of celebration and gratitude, punctuated with a tradition of some sort. As kids get older, and our family evolves into the next stage of being a "family", a few of the traditions need an overhaul...and as a mom, that's a tough pill to swallow...I miss building gingerbread houses and colouring Easter Eggs...Making Valentines Cookies and Carving Jack O Lanterns!

As we get older, the bunny hops right out of the Easter scene, the Red Suit is retired at Christmas, and the Hallmark events like Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Valentine's Day and even Halloween start screaming out for a new way to acknowledge the moment! The faster pace of a teenager-fueled life means that we need to get creative with the very traditions that once defined the moment for our family! It's been an interesting journey for me as I reconcile with letting go of some childhood rituals and decide on my "non negotiables" going forward!

For example, while Peter Rabbit is "out" - he was replaced with an elaborate treasure hunt involving 400 plastic, colour-coded eggs and a lovely brunch. These were the non-negotiables - for every age category - including all the parents! While Santa has stopped coming down the chimney, Santa Breakfast and Sleighrides are a distant, fond memory - abundant traditions have taken over, including an annual friends and family holiday party and reveillon - the non-negotiables!

This year, Samantha and I were in Atlanta for US Nationals on Valentine's day and in Toronto for Canadian Nationals on Mother's day, so...I made a conscious decision to call for a re-do! Who said the dates for these celebrations are written in stone anyway? I decided that celebrating "people" - like a valentine, a mother, a father...should not be relagated to one day a year anyway! I decided that, while acknowledging the anniversary of someone's birth or wedding is nice, actually CELEBRATING that person or that marriage can and should be a regular occurance...I came to the conclusion that, while some rituals are sacred, forming a piece of the family's foundation, by defining their identity through the traditions they hold dear - others are more superficial...the birthday cake, song and balloons - yep - should be on the birthday - but the gathering of friends and family to celebrate that person - should not be limited to a 24 hour window. Mothers, Fathers and people we love should be acknowledged every day...not once a year - on an arbitrary date - determined by the greeting card companies!

Yesterday, my mother and I spent the day together...shopping, having lunch, hanging out, catching up..there were no crowds and line ups at the restaurant and no pressure to make things picture perfect. It was the best non-Mothers day ever! No-one was let down because the surprize breakfast in bed wasn't a surprize...or the toast burned...no pressure to get the right card or make the best home made trinket!!! I'll always treasure those adorable gifts - but what I really treasured this year was the authenticity of the day - a week after the Hallmark date - and a real, non-commercial celebration of mother/daughter...mother/son bonds...where we spend time together because we genuinely want to, and call to truly hear one another's voice - not because the date on the calendar reminds us that we should!!!

This year was a real turning point for me. I'll always value traditions, I'll always maintain my non-negotiables...but have a very real desire today to link the rituals I engage in with a genuine appreciation of the purpose...not just a Martha-Stewart-like "make it perfect" because the magazines and mall signage hold us accountable to those events - so we better measure up!!! I like this new attitude...no stress because Josh's birthday dinner was in May, Mother's Day lunch was a week late, and Valentine's day saw us a thousand miles apart! This year, we celebrated with a genuine appreciation of each other and by abandonning our commitment to the date, we renewed our commitment to the purpose!!!

Taking One For The Team

I had the ultimate mom retreat this weekend, with 10,000 of my not-so-closest friends - and a couple of very good ones! Appropriate timing as it was mother's day weekend...not so appropriate in that neither my mother, my husband or 3/5ths of my children were with me! I didn't say it was the ultimate mother's day - just a really cool opportunity to do some hard core mommy-watching, solve every parenting issue in the world over a bottle of wine - and genuinely count my blessings!
I'm sure that, by the end of Saturday night, my friends and I could have written a way better version of the Psych 101 book that students pay far too much money for in first year university - and ours would have been a much more entertaining read, with a forgiving Merlot as our editor !!!

The event was the National Championships for All Star Cheerleading. An unlikely venue for psychoanalysis - but some of those crazed cheer moms were ideal subjects! Those living vicariously and wishing it were them shaking the groove thing (honey, your a 40 something year old woman, lose the 4" heals and cropped shirt!) ...others cracking under the pressure of Nationals and creating drama to rival the Sopranos! One by one, we watched as events unfolded and brought out the absolute best and worst in the cheer moms of Canada...but at the end of the day - our girls, our team, our moms rose above the raging hormones and raw emotions that can consume such an intense environment - and simply enjoyed the ride!

Granted, the ride was no horse and buggy....it was a high-speed, terrifying roller coaster with all of the gut wrenching highs and lows! The sickening anticipation as the train clicks up an endless and steep hill...(will they fall...will they stick) the heart-in-the-throat thrills as it soars down 90 degrees (they're doing it!!!!) to "thank God it's over" emotions...that last until ya line up and do it all again the very next day!

But what was really cool about our experience this weekend was the way the girls undermined drama rather than exploiting it...God knows they had legitimate cause for "excuses"- cause for ladies to freak out, cause to melt down...from the head coach sitting in the ICU on a ventilator in Ottawa - as the team busses pulled out to the venue in Toronto, only to have him appear at the hotel door during the Saturday evening team meeting (Tears flowed and shreaks could be heard throughout the building when he turned up)...to tumblers with broken fingers and sprained necks...to "I lost my skirt...I lost my shoes, I lost my tumbling"!!! There were girls with the flu, mono and nervous jitters...so why no drama??

That's what we moms explored...nooo we weren't ONLY there to cheer on the cheerleaders, we were there to figure this stuff out!!! And we did. Our team is coached by a few people who get it! And by that I dont JUST mean cheerleading - of coarse they are among the best choreographers and cheer coaches in the country - but they also get what makes a team work! They keep the girls togther - bonded - united...away from crazy cheer moms, parents with boundless enthusiasm and advice - and they make these young ladies accountable to each other! They ride the bus together to all competitions - near or 22 hours far...They keep them together for meals - they have team sleep overs - they make these girls stretch the boundaries of a sports team - and create a sisterhood - where all of their hopes and fears are shared and accepted...There's no animousity if someone forgets something...they ALL go back to get it! If someone gets a tumbling block - they ALL band together to get her through it...and that connection is the antedote to drama! We're all in this together - we'll get through it together - not by freaking in the halls, running to mom or storming off - but by drawing from the bond these coaches forged all season long! When things are rough - the girls turn inward to each other. They've grown so committed to NOT letting each other down - they can overcome any obstacle! One girl literally swallowed vomit and carried on with a dance during their performance while another fought through her block and nailed an awesome tumbling line...Broken limbs, sprained neck, and even an escape from ICU were proof that the strength in the positive message of unity and accountabilty moves mountains! The genuine desire to come through at all cost and to OWN every minute is the most powerful lesson a club can offer - and yet, it seems to be the one most clubs leave out...When other teams fail - the spiral of blame starts - "the base dropped me, the coach messed up..." In our world - that's simply unacceptable. Our girls "bring it" when it counts - they do whatever it takes, they pour 100% in and refuse to let each other down...

My hat goes off to anyone who teaches my daughter this critical life lesson - that many folks in business and in sports are still trying to grasp! No matter how much hardware we brought home on mother's day - there is no better gift than knowing my daughter gets the whole dedication and accountabilty thing.

So we watched other team's drama unfold around us as the competetion heated up...and we marvelled at the composure that accountability brought to ours. By the end of the weekend - we had three National Champion Banners, and a group of ladies who were heading home even closer than they were when those busses pulled out of Ottawa 2 days before - They arrived at the largest competion in the country ...and they left it all on the floor - for each other, for their coaches and because they decided for themselves that failure was not an option...we can write about it - but can we bottle it up and sell it??? That's a discussion for another competition weekend.

Busy is Good

Did you ever get into that classic conversation about the "over-scheduled child"? It starts with an innocent comment, typically from a caring relative or concerned neighbor -usually after they watched some news piece about stressed out kids - or after an inadvertent and miscalculated statement on mom's part about being too busy to do whatever they've been invited to do! Before long, the debate heats up, and mom leverages the perils of childhood obesity, video game addictions, couch potato syndrome to explain the busyness...from there, the conversation takes a nosedive . Over the years, I've engaged in such precarious banter - justifying all the reasons why my kids are just so darned booked! I've wrestled with the myriad of opinions about my hectic schedule - and finally settled into a rhythm of responses...that cover all the angles. If ever the subject rears its ugly (or mildly unattractive) face - steal shamelessly from my arsenal!
1) Doing nothing is not an option! From the time they were old enough to walk...no...breathe on their own, my kids were lovingly informed that they got to do things...Not had to do things...but were privileged enough to have the health, resources and support to be able to...So, from mom and tot swimming to baby tumbling - it became a standard...doing nothing was out of the question.
2) All you need to know in business you can learn from being on a sports team...Forget the expensive MBA programs, and even the dream of a sports scholarship...the real education...the stuff that shapes an entrepreneurial brain, takes place on the bench, in the locker room, on the fields and ice rinks of the amateur sports world...cool basics like "there's no "I" in team"...(but there is in WIN!). And do what you love...where there's passion, there's talent. Too many people in business get hung up on fixing their weaknesses - so they spend all of their time focusing on what they're bad at...hoping to get a little bit better (Oh - you suck at math...better take more math to improve...DOESN'T WORK - You'll not only continue to suck at it, you'll grow to hate it too). It's way smarter to take your lead from the world of sports - where athletes are placed where their greatest talents lie...and they rise to a level of excellence rooted in passion rather than to a level of mediocrity rooted in dread...Hey, you don't see Sydney Crosby playing between the pipes because, well, he's NOT a very good goalie and could use some practice...Sports teams get the whole strengths-based concept...and kids start learning how their role and their contributions matter - from PeeWee on...They also learn that when they are passionate about something, they can manage the pain and sacrifice that goes with it. Stressed out kids? Only if the stuff you've got them doing is stuff they hate. If they love it - they're not stressed - they're busy...welcome to the real world - we're all busy...
3) There's a direct relationship between boredom and trouble in the teen years...Busy is the antidote to basement dwelling or joining the ranks of mall rats - kids just want to belong! I'd much rather they wear team colours than gang colours - and that their number is on a team jersey and not on a mug shot!
4) There is a return on your investment! Sure you have to drive them around at 6:00 in the morning, write a lot of cheques, and forfiet any semblance of a weekend but the payoff is huge!
I'm writing this on the eve of Nationals weekend, where my daughter and her Cheerleading team will be competing for back to back National Champion titles...Oh and by the way...the overscheduled thing...small price to pay when you see all of the hard work pay off at a world class event that the under-scheduled kid would give anything to experience...if only they were told from the start..."doing nothing is not an option"!

Pre-Empty Nester Anxiety!

It wasn't all that long ago when silence and solitude were unthinkable...Our front entry was like the revolving door at Macy's and the back slider was relentless...triggering Mark's famous "close the door, close the door, close the door" chant. The indoor decibel level rivaled Chicago's O'Hare! Then, as if someone flipped a switch - all went quiet! The rockin from the basement, little toys, little friends and non-stop action is coming to a grinding halt! I remember seeing 5 hockey games, 2 soccer games, a gym meet and some lacrosse, football or karate as a normal weekend...and today, looking at the calendar, the sea of blue ink has dissipated...and a new normal is emerging from underneath the equipment bags! Are we doing less? Are we enjoying less? I don't think so...we've just shifted to a new stage - one where roller blades and skateboards on the walkway are replaced by cars in the driveway...One where we don't sit and watch the practices, or even drive to many of them...one where we don't set up "play dates" , or check for a sitter before we schedule real dates! Seems like our lives and our kids lives aren't one big schedulng puzzle anymore! They go to school, work and sports...we support, work and cheer, but on a much more civilized scale.
The days of taking kids to lessons are gone..today they train, perform, compete! That doesn't mean that there are no lessons to be learned - but now, they're life lessons -instead of skating lessons, music lessons, swimming lessons, gymnastics lessons! Sounds like I'm struggling with pre-empty nest syndrome...getting used to a bunch of young men and a lovely teen aged daughter rather than my monkeys jumping on the beds! Getting used to beer bottles instead of playtex bottles in the fridge...getting used to forking out gas money instead of candy money...hair straighteners and mascara sit where the dollies used to be, getting used to saying that my oldest son is coming over for a visit rather than coming home - and the Costco bill with teen aged boys??? I will never get used to that! About the silence and solitude we once yearned for...well, it's good...very good...but every now and again, we have the burning need to throw open our doors, crank up the music and bring it all back- I know - I just need to step on a few stray lego blocks, sop up some spilled milk and host a power rangers party - and I'll be over the urges to go back in time - ready for silence again!!!

Bail ME out!

Yeah - I KNOW there's a recession...every news broadcast and headline tells us so...Layoffs, foreclosures, buy outs and bail outs. So as a concerned citizen, I try to fuel the economy every chance I get...You'd think my husband, being as fiscally responsible as he is, would appreciate my efforts - but he clearly doesn't believe that leather bags and designer jeans are an appropriate stimulus package...He always dives into the "mother nature" talk - as I call it...because he references saving for a rainy day stuff. I don't particularly like rainy days - so I counter with another nature saying..."buy shoes when the sun shines..." or something like that I'm sure!
Besides, if we really are on the brink of something catastrophic, then where in heck are the thousands of cars going every morning when I'm trying to get to the office. There I sit, recession-bound on the Queensway - surrounded by Audi's BMWs and the odd Lexus suffering the same plight! And, on the weekends, when I'm I'm trying to do my part to revitalize this poor, down trodden economy, I can't find a parking spot at the mall! I don't think our town got the memo...because nothing seems all that different here...

defining moments

In a recent leadership forum, we were asked to discuss defining moments in our professional lives - stuff that shaped the type of leader we have become or want to become... I had immediate flashbacks to my days at Ethan Allen and the teachings of a CEO I admired. Cool stuff he used to say to us had far reaching impact...like grow the people and the profit will grow itself: Launch any major project when you're 75% ready, because perfecting that last 25% takes as long as the first 75%, with less of a return..."almost ready" gives you permission to tweak as you go! My favourite: It's easy to make things look complicated, but very hard to make things look easy! I use that EVERY day as we try to simplify everything we do! There's no question, my management philosophies are borrowed from a cool CEO - and a few inspired business writers with something a little different to say: Marcus Buckingham, Jack Canfield, and a small dose of Covey...

All that reflection about work got me to wondering about defining moments in life. Things that shaped the kind of mother and wife I am. So a few glasses of wine later, I came to a not-so-startling conclusion: the things that had the most profound impact weren't "words of wisdom" from experts in motherhood or inspirational sayings from some pop psychologist! Not that I didn't read every bit of that stuff - babies sleep on their stomachs....wait, backs, nooo, wrong again...with every new pregnancy and baby came a new fangled set of rules...drink coffee - no - don't...you need more vitamin D - or is it E, definately B - you're stressed! Feed them peas first - no carrots...surprisingly all of my kids made it through infancy, and even survived decades of sports, camps, school and every kind of nut, shell fish and tropical fruit...

So - as my oldest turns 21, and my youngest 12...with three in between... I CAN say one thing for certain: It doesn't matter what Dr. Phil, Dr. Berman, Dr. Laura, Dr. Oz, Dr.Spock or Dr. Seuss publishes - personal defining moments are not shaped by any life altering quote in a best selling book...at least not for me...Instead, I believe it's actual life altering events and the way we respond to them that mould us. Not words on a page, but feelings in our gut. The call that said my husband was in a car accident and may not survive, ...the doctor visit when my son was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes... There's no question that I reprioritized my life, formed a new outlook on what was truly important, and reinforced my backbone in the wake of crisis. I believe that we all have an "authentic self" that gets moulded by whatever life throws at us in those "defining moments" ...my mould has changed shapes a few times over the years...
(I like to think that my mould is growing...and not that I'm growing mold!).

So, every now and then, when I'm deep in thought...it's cool to take inventory of the defining moments, joyful and tragic, that, when combined, make up a person's character, and could easily make up the chapters of any self help, psycho babble book at Amazon today!!! Hey - now there's an inspiring idea.

Generational Blur!

It just occurred to me that, at this very moment, four generations are living together on this planet for the very first time in history.

There’s our parent’s generation who – for us – are between the ages of 65 and 81…then their kids, ranging from 39 to 55, their grandkids, who fall between 10 and 27 – and the brand new, up and coming generation of great grandkids! These aren’t statistically accurate numbers – this REALLY is my family!

Ad industry researchers who are trying to capture market share based on an unprecedented range of demographics, must be struggling with this cornucopia of ages and attitudes: the hip grandma listening to her ipod and playing wii, the techno-savvy teen who can communicate with his entire football team, then pay his cell phone bill faster than I can lick a stamp, let alone write a cheque; the 40-something boomer who has just discovered the joy of shopping on line and the global-mined millennial whose BFF lives half way around the world! How do you sell a product or service to the greatest common denominator in this new world? This whole technological revolution that’s slammed down, smack in the middle of multi-generational planet sharing sure makes it hard for advertisers to stereotype their buyers! You know – the traditional senior citizens sitting on the porch swing…NOT! Or the irresponsible slacking, skateboarding Gen X-er! I don’t think so!!! Who knows how to appeal to all of these folks? What is Nintendo’s target audience? How about BMW’s? Even McDonalds? I think you’d be surprised…and on many days – so are they! There are no typical profiles anymore – unless you are marketing denture cream and depends – or pampers and pull ups! – And even then, the age range has broadened - with new moms sitting between the ages of 18 and 47 – the widest span EVER! Some may even go FROM the pampers to depends market!

The only thing I know for sure is that the 2 – YES 2 - generations younger than mine are way more efficient with their time, globally connected, financially astute, spiritually tuned in and environmentally conscious than anyone who came before them…Sure employers have to work harder to keep them – why wouldn’t they? Sure they feel “entitled” – why shouldn’t they? We really can’t condemn a generation of young people who got off their hind quarters and revolutionized the way we communicate, do business, travel, take care of ourselves and of our planet, pay bills, manage time and indulge our senses! So many boomers claim that the younger folks are lazy…they don’t pick up the phone and call people, they don’t “pound the pavement” looking for work, or strive to climb the corporate ladder in a vertical direction…That’s because they’ve figured out how to work smarter, not harder! They don’t see 12 hour days at the office and stress-related ailments as a measure of self worth or “success”. Funny thing is…the critics who persecute the younger generations still own a VHS machine with the clock flashing, can’t program their blackberry, download songs onto their ipod or create a contact and distribution list to save their lives! Are THEY lazy? Didn’t they “bother” to learn that stuff?

Isn’t “lazy” a relative term? I think a few gen x-ers and millennials would be appalled at the state of their older critic’s inbox, or disappointed by the boomers inattentiveness when it comes to looking after their soul rather than their pocketbook. It’s all about perspective and generations collide with varying perspectives all the time, but the divisive lines are starting to blur and the barriers are starting to come down, as we see greater understanding, tolerance, even acceptance of a young, hip gen-Xer taking charge of our virtual boardrooms! For those who can’t understand, tolerate or accept all that the next generations have to offer – get ready to be TWITTERED out of existence! With much greater power than the printing press, we are ushering in a new brand of communication where the people not only control the message, but can respond to the message with real time immediacy! Someone said of the “Twitter revolution” – it’s a “democratization of mass media”…I say – hop on the train folks – because it’ll leave the station without you – and this isn’t the coal powered locomotive of grandpa’s generation, but the new bullet train…engineered by…you guessed it….a 30 something X-er! And the railway line? Oh – you get the analogy….

what else is there?

Mark and I still laugh when we think back to a pre-birthday conversation with one of our four sons. We asked the seemingly innocuous question :"what would you like for your birthday?" After a few moments of contemplation, he replied with genuine concern: "what else is there?"
We immediately panicked - had we spoiled our kids to the point where there was simply nothing left to desire? Did they really have every material want and need fulfilled? Later that day, I made mental note of all the things we deliberately deprived them of: paintball guns, motor scooter, crazy expensive composite hockey stick (well at least for that season)...whew, they didn't get everything they had ever asked for...which meant that the "what else is there" question was more of a statement - "I'm quite content". Turns out, our boy was innocently acknowledging an appreciation for the simple abundance in his life rather than looking for what may be missing. (ok he was young - but pretty darned insightful in an accidental way). After that birthday, we started expressing our appreciation for the abundance in our lives the exact same way: when we walk along a beautiful beach at sunset, we say "what else is there?", when we enjoy a spectacular glass of fine wine with good friends, we ask "what else is there?,when the kids experience a victory in there lives - big or small - we reflect - "what else is there?"... This expression has become our way of capturing special times and defining them as moments of absolute abundance, where we can't imagine needing another thing! This family has had many "what else is there" moments, where we're so overjoyed with what we have in each other and in the fun experiences we share - that we can forget about any other stuff we may want...

I've got to admit though - following the last two parties we hosted, there IS something else: granite countertop, 42" Sub Zero fridge, jennair cooktop with grill and a pair of Wolf wall ovens....let the good times roll - or in my case, steamroll - right through the center of the kitchen. I digress - that kitchen reno is a different post for another day.

it's all about perspective

Blogging was never something I'd considered. Sure, a cyber journal is a cool idea, and, oh - yeah - I have enough random thoughts in a day to merit storage space...but what should I really be capturing here? Profound epiphanies of biblical proportions? Highly unlikely...earth shattering breakthroughs? Unless my Swiffer wetjet counts - I got nothing of a breakthrough to share...but, on occasion, I have moments of realization that I have urges to write down somewhere. Maybe it's an age thing - I am compelled to make a note so I don't simply forget the thought...or maybe I really want one of my five children to one day have their own moment of realization and "get" their mother. Now there's an ambitious goal for a little blog...Where better to start this blogging adventure than with a recent mini-epiphany to set the tone. I remember waking unusually early one beautiful summer morning. The sun was streaming through the front sidelights, bathing the entrance hall in that orangy-pink glow of breaking dawn. I walked down the stairs from by bedroom, ready to enjoy the morning solitude, and caught a glimpse of a ball cap tossed on the little bench by the front door. My heart sunk. Then, beyond the cap, I noticed a tiny pair of running shoes: white with pink stripes...a black leather baseball glove, a brown hoodie jacket...The "mess" as I would have classified this collection, was causing a lump in my throat. The ball cap belonged to my son Zach - and he had tossed it quickly onto the bench as we were racing to the airport the previous morning . He was leaving for a European Hockey Tour and would be gone for 2 weeks. He realized that he should be wearing the team ball cap that his Colorado coach had mailed him a few days earlier, so his favourite hat was left behind in the bustle of double and triple equipment checks...Later that same day, when Zach was well on his way to Zurich, Samantha went to her first summer sleepover camp - Gym Rep - a lovely gymnastics adventure - ideal for young athletes aspiring to do great things in the world of gymnastics - and have a great camp experience. She and I were discussing what shoes to take - and agreed that gymnastics is a barefoot sport - flip flops and a pretty pedicure was the way to go! So her little sneakers with the pink stripes were kicked off in that decisive moment as we loaded up the van with more gym suits than the Canadian Olympic Team! Ball glove? Same deal - a testament to some fond memory from the previous afternoon where we played catch on the beach at Sam's camp. What would have been my "mess", in that moment became my memory - and instead of shuddering with the thought that "Architectural Digest" would not approve, I smiled at any stuff lying around connecting my memory to my kids...It wasn't a mess, but a testament to a life being lived. Something else happened in that moment! I rounded the corner to my kitchen and yearned for the "happy clutter" of our younger days: The highchairs that used to sit in the corners of my kitchen - once a repository for all things messy; the buckets of lego typically dumped on my family room floor "what a mess" I'd say; the red metal firetrucks lined up under my dining room table (aka the firestation); POGS, pokeman cards, those bean things, the battle tops, the power rangers, the micro machines - all had their turn laying claim to every square foot of our home - and at the time - "what a mess"...but how fast does that "happy clutter" disappear - and how cool would it be to get to see it all again - not as a mess but as a memory...a snapshot of a precious moment in time - that vanishes far too quickly!
After that morning, I started to embrace the little hallmarks of life's moments and realize the brevity of each stage. It took some time to really feel liberated from my "everything in it's place" mentality - working for an interior design company, and one of the finest furniture stores in the world didn't help. I had been on ad shoots where the sets were unreal! I wanted that...but not at any cost! To expect real families to live in houses that LOOKED like the pages from our magazine was completely unreal!!! Especially families of 7. That day, I released any expectation of a perfect interior, and embraced the very things that DID make a house a home - not the fine furniture, expensive draperies, one of a kind accessories - but the ball cap tossed on the bench, the little white shoes with pink stripes, the glove and the hoodie...soon enough, they too will be a distant memory!