We had friends over for dinner the other night and Michelle asked my husband Mark if he felt like a "changed person" after his near fatal accident...He answered in his logical "Mark" way...speaking of memory challenges and physical stuff - while I journeyed back to December 6th 2004 and the moment when the very definition of "change" changed for me...
It was a typical Monday. I saw all 5 kids off to school and settled in to my project: Building a "change management" workshop for a client in St. Louis that I was scheduled to see December 15th - how ironic was that? Mark had left for a training seminar in Toronto much earlier that morning...By mid day, I had transitioned from course development to party planning - as the date for our annual Christmas event was getting near...Because my travel plans were tight, I had every minute scheduled - and realized, if I was going to have a manicure this holiday season, it would have to be that afternoon...
I made the appointment to coincide with my casserole baking...5:00 PM - kids would be home and settled, with a jump on homework. There was no hockey or gymnastics that evening - shocking! It was clearly the only chance to polish up for the holiday season! The uneventful afternoon allowed for maximum productivity, and by the time the buses pulled up to the house, I was feeling quite accomplished. My kids and a few of their buddies poured into the kitchen right on cue. They snacked, started homework, and agreed to watch the Mac and Cheese casserole while I darted out to the nail salon. Things were smooth...Then I came home...
Zach said that he got a call from my husband's administrative assistant while I was out. I thought that was odd...after all, she knew where he was! She didn't leave a message with him...and, shortly after her call was a long distance ring that he didn't answer - he had always been taught to ignore strange numbers if parents are out...Nice move....yet all very unusual. I had an unsettled feeling in my gut even before I checked the message from that long distance caller. Instinct was right. It was the voice of a nurse - from a hospital just outside of Toronto...There had been an accident - I'd better call back! Unsettled turned to wanting to vomit!!!
The phone conversation was a blur - "Medically induced Coma", "Life Threatening Head Injury", "Collapsed Lung...", crap! If I wanted to see my husband again, I'd better make a move and get to Toronto within the next few hours. The one emergency room was in the process of transporting him to a more capable head injury unit in a downtown Toronto hospital - amidst the ice and snow - how would I ever make it there?
With the help of my teen aged boys, and at the suggestion of my sister-in-law who lives near Toronto, I booked a flight on-line. Mark's sister, brother-in-law , other brother and parents lived in the Toronto area and went to the hospital right away. I called on my family to take over my household and another one of Mark's sisters flew with me to Toronto...Thank God for family - they descended on the home and hospital with unbelievable determination and strength.
Joan and I took a 10:00 pm flight. We could have been flying to Australia - because that's how long it seemed to take...
And here's where real "change" started to happen - unknown to me at the time.
There was a profound shift in priorities! I used to spend flights planning. Allowing my thoughts to leap around - like a monkey swinging from tree to tree. But there was none of that. There was nothing but NOW! I didn't dare let myself think the unthinkable "what if", I didn't allow my mind to journey into tomorrow - or next week. For the whole flight, I focused on the "now"..."is he breathing RIGHT now?"...
Suddenly - projects due tomorrow, the trip to St. Louis, the Christmas planning were off the radar...My mind didn't wander towards dinner menus, hockey games or laundry...every ounce of my energy and focus was on being totally present.
And it wasn't even deliberate...There was simply no space left in my brain to process another single thought! It took everything to simply breathe and walk off the plane...And in being totally present, there was a weird and unfamiliar peacefulness. There wasn't the brain chatter that I was so used to - the "noise" of daily planning, anticipating, worrying and wondering that is like background "elevator music" playing in my head all day long. The magnitude of this event seemed to take up all of my mental resources so that all the other preoccupations turned off - leaving just the present - pure and simple - breathing, walking, navigating through an airport...
At the hospital, the "now" expanded to include a deep appreciation for all of the people helping and showing support. The people who surface as those who really matter in your life. But to think about tomorrow - and the daily functioning of a family, home and business was impossible! So I didn't...I surrendered to the present. Didn't care where the car was...what the bank folks thought when Mark hadn't shown up for his training meeting...what the hockey team would do sans manager at the upcoming tournament...didn't CARE...what a CHANGE!
Mark survived...and as we took baby steps back into the familiarities of daily life, the background noise started up again - and I began allowing myself to plan, worry, and anticipate again...but with a new-found gift...the ability to surrender to the present!
So...back to the original question: Did things change? What changed most profoundly for me was not my relationship with Mark, or my new business arrangements...the most dramatic change was in being able to see "context" in a new way. I always allowed clutter in my brain. Like static on a radio when the station isn't quite tuned in...It was like a dull chatter about things that aren't all that important...But after the accident, I experienced clarity - like I had finally tuned the radio to the actual channel - and got rid of the fuzziness...I got back home from Toronto and re-prioritized my life. The party didn't happen and the world was still turning. The hockey team went to the tourney and had their event without me - and they were fine...the gymnastics club went without a program for their Christmas meet - and every parent and athlete still found their way. CONTEXT to me means, prioritizing "stuff" based on the big picture...the people who will be impacted over the long haul.
So - getting a manicure by Christmas could have been considered important - in the context of daily life before...But, in the context of urgency and survival - it fell right off the radar...Doesn't mean I'll never have another manicure. It simply means that I prioritize on an entirely different plane - it's not up there with MRIs, EEGs and 42 staples in the skull...What kind of hors doeuvres to serve, what colour the programs should be, and do we have enough wine glasses - same deal....All important on some "superficial level", the only level I had ever really known...but in my new CONTEXT - I understood that these things are not deal breakers. I've hosted so many stress-free parties since...all lovely - and all focused on meaningful relationships way more than matching napkins...and I LOVE THAT!
So...I suppose I could say that my ah-ha moment was when I learned we humans are pretty remarkable. I learned that the human brain and it's layers of built in survival mechanisms reach far beyond the "fight or flight" reflex and include an extraordinary ability to shut down areas that "drain the battery", leaving on only those that are needed to function on a primal level...It's like the Blackberry as it runs down it's battery - it doesn't go from full functionality to dead...it slowly shuts down secondary applications, leaving you with basic phone service - and preserving the other applications for after it's recharged. I was running on "energy saver" mode for several days in the St. Michael's Hospital ICU unit - but my thoughts were unbelievably clear, and I was fully present. I didn't think about home, work, anything or even anyone outside of that room...and, despite the horror of the situation, it was liberating to focus on one sole goal, with no other distraction.
Now, when things seem overwhelming, I take myself back to that moment and try to find that peaceful presence - where all of the busy-ness in the brain goes still...it's a real change for me.
So - as I was sorting out these thoughts to share with Michelle, Mark - in his classic way explained what hadn't changed.... He's always felt gratitude. He's always given 100%, and he sees this setback, not as an invitation to finally discover the "joys" of life, smell the roses, or stop sweating the small stuff...he sees it as an affirmation that he was doing it right all along!
Our dinner chats aren't always this intense...most often we talk about shoes, recipes and Grey's Anatomy!!!!
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