Pre-Empty Nester Anxiety!

It wasn't all that long ago when silence and solitude were unthinkable...Our front entry was like the revolving door at Macy's and the back slider was relentless...triggering Mark's famous "close the door, close the door, close the door" chant. The indoor decibel level rivaled Chicago's O'Hare! Then, as if someone flipped a switch - all went quiet! The rockin from the basement, little toys, little friends and non-stop action is coming to a grinding halt! I remember seeing 5 hockey games, 2 soccer games, a gym meet and some lacrosse, football or karate as a normal weekend...and today, looking at the calendar, the sea of blue ink has dissipated...and a new normal is emerging from underneath the equipment bags! Are we doing less? Are we enjoying less? I don't think so...we've just shifted to a new stage - one where roller blades and skateboards on the walkway are replaced by cars in the driveway...One where we don't sit and watch the practices, or even drive to many of them...one where we don't set up "play dates" , or check for a sitter before we schedule real dates! Seems like our lives and our kids lives aren't one big schedulng puzzle anymore! They go to school, work and sports...we support, work and cheer, but on a much more civilized scale.
The days of taking kids to lessons are gone..today they train, perform, compete! That doesn't mean that there are no lessons to be learned - but now, they're life lessons -instead of skating lessons, music lessons, swimming lessons, gymnastics lessons! Sounds like I'm struggling with pre-empty nest syndrome...getting used to a bunch of young men and a lovely teen aged daughter rather than my monkeys jumping on the beds! Getting used to beer bottles instead of playtex bottles in the fridge...getting used to forking out gas money instead of candy money...hair straighteners and mascara sit where the dollies used to be, getting used to saying that my oldest son is coming over for a visit rather than coming home - and the Costco bill with teen aged boys??? I will never get used to that! About the silence and solitude we once yearned for...well, it's good...very good...but every now and again, we have the burning need to throw open our doors, crank up the music and bring it all back- I know - I just need to step on a few stray lego blocks, sop up some spilled milk and host a power rangers party - and I'll be over the urges to go back in time - ready for silence again!!!

Bail ME out!

Yeah - I KNOW there's a recession...every news broadcast and headline tells us so...Layoffs, foreclosures, buy outs and bail outs. So as a concerned citizen, I try to fuel the economy every chance I get...You'd think my husband, being as fiscally responsible as he is, would appreciate my efforts - but he clearly doesn't believe that leather bags and designer jeans are an appropriate stimulus package...He always dives into the "mother nature" talk - as I call it...because he references saving for a rainy day stuff. I don't particularly like rainy days - so I counter with another nature saying..."buy shoes when the sun shines..." or something like that I'm sure!
Besides, if we really are on the brink of something catastrophic, then where in heck are the thousands of cars going every morning when I'm trying to get to the office. There I sit, recession-bound on the Queensway - surrounded by Audi's BMWs and the odd Lexus suffering the same plight! And, on the weekends, when I'm I'm trying to do my part to revitalize this poor, down trodden economy, I can't find a parking spot at the mall! I don't think our town got the memo...because nothing seems all that different here...

defining moments

In a recent leadership forum, we were asked to discuss defining moments in our professional lives - stuff that shaped the type of leader we have become or want to become... I had immediate flashbacks to my days at Ethan Allen and the teachings of a CEO I admired. Cool stuff he used to say to us had far reaching impact...like grow the people and the profit will grow itself: Launch any major project when you're 75% ready, because perfecting that last 25% takes as long as the first 75%, with less of a return..."almost ready" gives you permission to tweak as you go! My favourite: It's easy to make things look complicated, but very hard to make things look easy! I use that EVERY day as we try to simplify everything we do! There's no question, my management philosophies are borrowed from a cool CEO - and a few inspired business writers with something a little different to say: Marcus Buckingham, Jack Canfield, and a small dose of Covey...

All that reflection about work got me to wondering about defining moments in life. Things that shaped the kind of mother and wife I am. So a few glasses of wine later, I came to a not-so-startling conclusion: the things that had the most profound impact weren't "words of wisdom" from experts in motherhood or inspirational sayings from some pop psychologist! Not that I didn't read every bit of that stuff - babies sleep on their stomachs....wait, backs, nooo, wrong again...with every new pregnancy and baby came a new fangled set of rules...drink coffee - no - don't...you need more vitamin D - or is it E, definately B - you're stressed! Feed them peas first - no carrots...surprisingly all of my kids made it through infancy, and even survived decades of sports, camps, school and every kind of nut, shell fish and tropical fruit...

So - as my oldest turns 21, and my youngest 12...with three in between... I CAN say one thing for certain: It doesn't matter what Dr. Phil, Dr. Berman, Dr. Laura, Dr. Oz, Dr.Spock or Dr. Seuss publishes - personal defining moments are not shaped by any life altering quote in a best selling book...at least not for me...Instead, I believe it's actual life altering events and the way we respond to them that mould us. Not words on a page, but feelings in our gut. The call that said my husband was in a car accident and may not survive, ...the doctor visit when my son was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes... There's no question that I reprioritized my life, formed a new outlook on what was truly important, and reinforced my backbone in the wake of crisis. I believe that we all have an "authentic self" that gets moulded by whatever life throws at us in those "defining moments" ...my mould has changed shapes a few times over the years...
(I like to think that my mould is growing...and not that I'm growing mold!).

So, every now and then, when I'm deep in thought...it's cool to take inventory of the defining moments, joyful and tragic, that, when combined, make up a person's character, and could easily make up the chapters of any self help, psycho babble book at Amazon today!!! Hey - now there's an inspiring idea.

Generational Blur!

It just occurred to me that, at this very moment, four generations are living together on this planet for the very first time in history.

There’s our parent’s generation who – for us – are between the ages of 65 and 81…then their kids, ranging from 39 to 55, their grandkids, who fall between 10 and 27 – and the brand new, up and coming generation of great grandkids! These aren’t statistically accurate numbers – this REALLY is my family!

Ad industry researchers who are trying to capture market share based on an unprecedented range of demographics, must be struggling with this cornucopia of ages and attitudes: the hip grandma listening to her ipod and playing wii, the techno-savvy teen who can communicate with his entire football team, then pay his cell phone bill faster than I can lick a stamp, let alone write a cheque; the 40-something boomer who has just discovered the joy of shopping on line and the global-mined millennial whose BFF lives half way around the world! How do you sell a product or service to the greatest common denominator in this new world? This whole technological revolution that’s slammed down, smack in the middle of multi-generational planet sharing sure makes it hard for advertisers to stereotype their buyers! You know – the traditional senior citizens sitting on the porch swing…NOT! Or the irresponsible slacking, skateboarding Gen X-er! I don’t think so!!! Who knows how to appeal to all of these folks? What is Nintendo’s target audience? How about BMW’s? Even McDonalds? I think you’d be surprised…and on many days – so are they! There are no typical profiles anymore – unless you are marketing denture cream and depends – or pampers and pull ups! – And even then, the age range has broadened - with new moms sitting between the ages of 18 and 47 – the widest span EVER! Some may even go FROM the pampers to depends market!

The only thing I know for sure is that the 2 – YES 2 - generations younger than mine are way more efficient with their time, globally connected, financially astute, spiritually tuned in and environmentally conscious than anyone who came before them…Sure employers have to work harder to keep them – why wouldn’t they? Sure they feel “entitled” – why shouldn’t they? We really can’t condemn a generation of young people who got off their hind quarters and revolutionized the way we communicate, do business, travel, take care of ourselves and of our planet, pay bills, manage time and indulge our senses! So many boomers claim that the younger folks are lazy…they don’t pick up the phone and call people, they don’t “pound the pavement” looking for work, or strive to climb the corporate ladder in a vertical direction…That’s because they’ve figured out how to work smarter, not harder! They don’t see 12 hour days at the office and stress-related ailments as a measure of self worth or “success”. Funny thing is…the critics who persecute the younger generations still own a VHS machine with the clock flashing, can’t program their blackberry, download songs onto their ipod or create a contact and distribution list to save their lives! Are THEY lazy? Didn’t they “bother” to learn that stuff?

Isn’t “lazy” a relative term? I think a few gen x-ers and millennials would be appalled at the state of their older critic’s inbox, or disappointed by the boomers inattentiveness when it comes to looking after their soul rather than their pocketbook. It’s all about perspective and generations collide with varying perspectives all the time, but the divisive lines are starting to blur and the barriers are starting to come down, as we see greater understanding, tolerance, even acceptance of a young, hip gen-Xer taking charge of our virtual boardrooms! For those who can’t understand, tolerate or accept all that the next generations have to offer – get ready to be TWITTERED out of existence! With much greater power than the printing press, we are ushering in a new brand of communication where the people not only control the message, but can respond to the message with real time immediacy! Someone said of the “Twitter revolution” – it’s a “democratization of mass media”…I say – hop on the train folks – because it’ll leave the station without you – and this isn’t the coal powered locomotive of grandpa’s generation, but the new bullet train…engineered by…you guessed it….a 30 something X-er! And the railway line? Oh – you get the analogy….

what else is there?

Mark and I still laugh when we think back to a pre-birthday conversation with one of our four sons. We asked the seemingly innocuous question :"what would you like for your birthday?" After a few moments of contemplation, he replied with genuine concern: "what else is there?"
We immediately panicked - had we spoiled our kids to the point where there was simply nothing left to desire? Did they really have every material want and need fulfilled? Later that day, I made mental note of all the things we deliberately deprived them of: paintball guns, motor scooter, crazy expensive composite hockey stick (well at least for that season)...whew, they didn't get everything they had ever asked for...which meant that the "what else is there" question was more of a statement - "I'm quite content". Turns out, our boy was innocently acknowledging an appreciation for the simple abundance in his life rather than looking for what may be missing. (ok he was young - but pretty darned insightful in an accidental way). After that birthday, we started expressing our appreciation for the abundance in our lives the exact same way: when we walk along a beautiful beach at sunset, we say "what else is there?", when we enjoy a spectacular glass of fine wine with good friends, we ask "what else is there?,when the kids experience a victory in there lives - big or small - we reflect - "what else is there?"... This expression has become our way of capturing special times and defining them as moments of absolute abundance, where we can't imagine needing another thing! This family has had many "what else is there" moments, where we're so overjoyed with what we have in each other and in the fun experiences we share - that we can forget about any other stuff we may want...

I've got to admit though - following the last two parties we hosted, there IS something else: granite countertop, 42" Sub Zero fridge, jennair cooktop with grill and a pair of Wolf wall ovens....let the good times roll - or in my case, steamroll - right through the center of the kitchen. I digress - that kitchen reno is a different post for another day.

it's all about perspective

Blogging was never something I'd considered. Sure, a cyber journal is a cool idea, and, oh - yeah - I have enough random thoughts in a day to merit storage space...but what should I really be capturing here? Profound epiphanies of biblical proportions? Highly unlikely...earth shattering breakthroughs? Unless my Swiffer wetjet counts - I got nothing of a breakthrough to share...but, on occasion, I have moments of realization that I have urges to write down somewhere. Maybe it's an age thing - I am compelled to make a note so I don't simply forget the thought...or maybe I really want one of my five children to one day have their own moment of realization and "get" their mother. Now there's an ambitious goal for a little blog...Where better to start this blogging adventure than with a recent mini-epiphany to set the tone. I remember waking unusually early one beautiful summer morning. The sun was streaming through the front sidelights, bathing the entrance hall in that orangy-pink glow of breaking dawn. I walked down the stairs from by bedroom, ready to enjoy the morning solitude, and caught a glimpse of a ball cap tossed on the little bench by the front door. My heart sunk. Then, beyond the cap, I noticed a tiny pair of running shoes: white with pink stripes...a black leather baseball glove, a brown hoodie jacket...The "mess" as I would have classified this collection, was causing a lump in my throat. The ball cap belonged to my son Zach - and he had tossed it quickly onto the bench as we were racing to the airport the previous morning . He was leaving for a European Hockey Tour and would be gone for 2 weeks. He realized that he should be wearing the team ball cap that his Colorado coach had mailed him a few days earlier, so his favourite hat was left behind in the bustle of double and triple equipment checks...Later that same day, when Zach was well on his way to Zurich, Samantha went to her first summer sleepover camp - Gym Rep - a lovely gymnastics adventure - ideal for young athletes aspiring to do great things in the world of gymnastics - and have a great camp experience. She and I were discussing what shoes to take - and agreed that gymnastics is a barefoot sport - flip flops and a pretty pedicure was the way to go! So her little sneakers with the pink stripes were kicked off in that decisive moment as we loaded up the van with more gym suits than the Canadian Olympic Team! Ball glove? Same deal - a testament to some fond memory from the previous afternoon where we played catch on the beach at Sam's camp. What would have been my "mess", in that moment became my memory - and instead of shuddering with the thought that "Architectural Digest" would not approve, I smiled at any stuff lying around connecting my memory to my kids...It wasn't a mess, but a testament to a life being lived. Something else happened in that moment! I rounded the corner to my kitchen and yearned for the "happy clutter" of our younger days: The highchairs that used to sit in the corners of my kitchen - once a repository for all things messy; the buckets of lego typically dumped on my family room floor "what a mess" I'd say; the red metal firetrucks lined up under my dining room table (aka the firestation); POGS, pokeman cards, those bean things, the battle tops, the power rangers, the micro machines - all had their turn laying claim to every square foot of our home - and at the time - "what a mess"...but how fast does that "happy clutter" disappear - and how cool would it be to get to see it all again - not as a mess but as a memory...a snapshot of a precious moment in time - that vanishes far too quickly!
After that morning, I started to embrace the little hallmarks of life's moments and realize the brevity of each stage. It took some time to really feel liberated from my "everything in it's place" mentality - working for an interior design company, and one of the finest furniture stores in the world didn't help. I had been on ad shoots where the sets were unreal! I wanted that...but not at any cost! To expect real families to live in houses that LOOKED like the pages from our magazine was completely unreal!!! Especially families of 7. That day, I released any expectation of a perfect interior, and embraced the very things that DID make a house a home - not the fine furniture, expensive draperies, one of a kind accessories - but the ball cap tossed on the bench, the little white shoes with pink stripes, the glove and the hoodie...soon enough, they too will be a distant memory!