Unwritten

Life is a journey - so the cliché goes. There are mountains to climb and forks in the road, but one step at a time, we travel along our path. I thought about the "journey" and decided that my analogy is different. Maybe it's my passion for literature, or my respect for the power of the  "written voice", but I see life as a storybook. Perhaps a novel, that captures our heart, takes us on an epic adventure, terrifies and then calms us. Characters come and go in perfect cadence as the chapters unfold, and the loose ends weave together. Everyone has a purpose. Every experience fits into the storyline eventually. When I read great pieces of fiction, I try to understand how symbols, people and events from early chapters find relevance later on. Typically, I get it wrong. It's only when I stop overthinking, and trust that everything will make sense eventually, that I thoroughly appreciate the brilliance of the piece.


My life's story prompts similar reactions: Why this turn of events? How does this fit with chapter 2004? Do these main characters have a deeper purpose? What should I learn this time that I missed earlier? How many chapters are left to figure it all out? 


My instinct and experience tell me to stop analyzing, Enjoy the story, trust that it will all make sense.  My rational brain can't help but ask "what if I am missing something? What if I am supposed to contribute to a brilliant plot twist? What if these moments are invitations to write a new ending? I am not just the spectator and the "reader" - I am co-author at minimum, and while I can't go back and re-write earlier chapters, I can  influence what's next - at least a little. Damn!  It's hard to collaborate with the universe!  Am I foreshadowing a new chapter  by making certain choices? Am I responding to storylines or are they responding to me? Maybe there's a little bit of both going on. Law of attraction meets pure fate.




I remember one of my girlfriends saying - The universe only gives you what you can handle. As those words washed over me, I felt somewhat offended. My life was golden. I remember thinking "I have five amazing kids, a great husband, healthy loving  parents, a career that I love, good friends, nice house,...crap! I guess I'm weak. I guess I can't handle very much. I sure wasn't dealt the hand that some people have to face! But hold on!  I didn't consider my husband's life threatening accident and subsequent traumatic brain injury as the universe testing my metal. For 10 years, we hunkered down as a family and fought for his successful recovery. I didn't even factor in our struggles with juvenile diabetes or childhood epilepsy or premature birth complications!  I escaped a bad relationship as a young woman,, spent my fair share of time in a court house and had a few financial setbacks along the way. Looking back over fifty two years,  I see now that  my "rainbows and unicorns"  cloak  was so convincing that even I forgot the magnitude of our challenges. I didn't deny, or avoid them. I went into "stealth" mode and dealt with personal matters privately, retaining my shield of optimism for the outside world. I wrote my story through the lens of positivity,  making a compelling case that things were always ok. Looking back, no  matter what curveball a new chapter had in store,  I would edit the flavor - casting light on some of the darker moments,  being true to the theme that my life is rosy. Today, I see that the universe has been testing my strength all along, and has allowed me to develop a powerful voice in my "story". 


What if,  the scene where I took offense to "the universe only gives you what you can handle"  statement was foreshadowing this next chapter? What if the universe responded with "oh ya - try this".  What if  it's time to peel back the layers, remove the "Pollyanna"  filters and admit that life sucks sometimes! A radically different point of view for a person who has spent her entire life focused on silver linings. A person who can't ask for help because she's invested so much time convincing the world that everything is awesome! A person who couldn't say the word cancer for days after diagnosis and who wouldn't even acknowledge the need to recover after surgery.


Looks like my crazy co-author has issued a challenge: change your voice, get real and in doing that, you will come to experience the honest beauty of family and friendship. Through a more vulnerable lens you can see the pure goodness of people in your life,  and appreciate the subtle richness of each moment.  So I will. In fact, I have already started. My next blog will be devoted to the emotional and physical Breast Cancer roller coaster, with a view to helping other women find their strength and voice. Raw, fierce and powerful - we prepare for a chapter that has yet to be written.